DEAR ABBY: Because of a medical condition, my husband of 30 years can no longer drive a car -- so now he is driving ME nuts. Not only does he tell me how to drive ("You're too far to the right," or "Watch out for that car!" or " I'd go this way," etc.), but he feels it is his responsibility to remotely lock/unlock the car doors, remotely start the car -- anything having to do with the car but drive it. We end up "cancelling" each other out when I try to start the car or lock it.

Please tell me how to solve the dilemma about who should control the functions of the car. -- EXASPERATED IN OHIO

DEAR EXASPERATED: YOU should. However, when a man can no longer drive and his wife must take over, some males regard it as a blow to their masculinity. What your husband is doing is an attempt to reassert himself in his former role, and while it may annoy you, please try harder to understand why he's doing what he's doing and be more tolerant. I know I would.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who lost my beloved mother a few months ago. A sudden illness took her quickly. I made the difficult decision to remove her from life support when there was no longer any hope.

Mom raised me by herself, and we saw each other every day. She was my best friend. I don't know how to go on without someone to love me like she did.

I would like your opinion on an idea I have. There must be a mother somewhere who has lost an adult child and has love to give. I could reciprocate that love. I do not wish to replace my mom -- that would be impossible. She was an amazing woman. I just need someone to care for me that way. I am loved as a wife, niece and friend, but no longer as someone's child. I need to give and receive that kind of unconditional love.

Is this unhealthy? What would be the best way to fulfill my needs? I have tried individual and group therapy. I am financially independent. What are your thoughts? -- DAUGHTER OF AN ANGEL IN ALABAMA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved mother. I know you are grieving, but what you have in mind could cause you more problems than you already have.

Right now joining a grief support group or talking with a therapist who specializes in the grieving process would be far more helpful for you than immediately trying to fill the hole in your life left by your mother's death. I am concerned that what you are considering could lead to you being cruelly exploited.

The love a mother experiences for her child is not interchangeable or replaceable in the way you are thinking of doing it. The validation you are seeking can be found in volunteer work of all kinds.

DEAR ABBY: Am I alone in feeling insulted that the only time I am invited to "friends'" homes is when they have something to sell? First it was food storage items, then jewelry and clothing, and now it's food supplements that will "change my life."

Some of these invitations come from people who have been to my home for dinners or parties, but have never reciprocated -- until now. Although I would love to be in their homes socially, I have no intention of going for a sales pitch so they can get free stuff, gain points or whatever.

Do I even owe them an RSVP for this kind of invitation? -- SOLICITED IN REDWOOD CITY, CALIF.

DEAR SOLICITED: I understand your feelings, but if you want to continue having a social relationship with these people, then politely RSVP with your regrets. To ignore the invitation would be a breach of good manners.

DEAR ABBY: I consider myself to be a "free spirit." I bike and hike to get around, do not own a car and pretty much try to live "off the grid."

My recently married sister and new in-laws are my favorite people in the world. But they constantly arrange weekend events -- movie nights, shopping trips and coffee bar-hopping. The objective, of course, is the joy of sharing good company.

As a vehement anti-consumerist and anti-materialist, I find it deeply upsetting to be asked to spend money on things I consider to be exploitive industries and endeavors. On the other hand, there's nothing I enjoy more than being in the presence of these kind, loving, nurturing people.

So, just as I can't stand the way they spend their money, I don't want to spoil their good time by being some kind of "psycho naturalist in-law." What can I do? -- PRINCIPLED BROTHER-IN-LAW

DEAR BROTHER-IN-LAW: Limit the movie dates, refuse the expensive coffee dates and do not buy anything you don't need. This doesn't mean you can't accompany your sister and the in-laws on their shopping trips. Reciprocate by inviting them to your home for an evening of board games, conversation or rented movies. Many people have begun to see the wisdom of your philosophy of frugality, so consider yourself in the forefront of a new wave.

DEAR ABBY: I remember when I was a child, the library was a sacred place where one could go and find peace and quiet, study, meditate or just relax and read a good book.

I am 30 now and working on an advanced degree and rely on the library as a place to get things done, but I'm beginning to wonder what happened to that "silence" rule. Patrons talk on mobile phones, converse loudly and act like they're at home. I remember when librarians were quick to make sure the library was quiet, but now they are some of the worst offenders.

If silence cannot be found in the library, where can it be found -- and is there anything I can do to turn back the clock? -- NEEDS PEACE AND QUIET IN WISCONSIN

DEAR NEEDS P AND Q: Much as we might wish to, no one can "turn back the clock." So have a chat with the head librarian and make your concerns known. While it may not be possible to have total silence, it would not be out of line to ask if there is a room in the library that could be designated as a conversation-free and cell-phone-free zone. If the answer is no, speak to one of your professors and inquire if there is a study hall where you can find the peace and quiet you need.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 86-year-old woman, blessed with good health and mobility. I do not need a walker or a cane. My problem is some of my younger relatives grab my arm when we are walking. I know they mean well, but it actually makes it harder for me. I haven't said anything to them for fear of offending them. How should I handle this? -- ELDERLY, NOT FEEBLE IN BEVERLY HILLS

DEAR NOT FEEBLE: I'm glad you wrote because your question is an important one that applies not only to older people, but also to people who are visually impaired.

Often, well-intentioned folks will grab someone by the arm in order to "help" him or her step down from a curb, cross a street, etc. Doing this is counterproductive, and can actually cause the person to lose his or her balance. It is far more effective to offer the person one's arm to take if that person feels he or she needs assistance.

Explain this to your younger relatives.

DEAR ABBY: I clearly remember my first Valentine's Day. I was in first grade. A few days before, my mom asked how many kids were in my class, and we went to a store and bought large packages of valentines -- one for every child in the class. The cards were all the same size and said, basically, the same thing.

When I arrived at school, each classmate had a small box on his or her desk. At some point during the day, I went around the room and gave each child a valentine. There was one for the quiet one in the back, the most popular girl in class, the prettiest and even the boys. This was long before society taught me that such a show of affection had to exclude people of the same gender as me. By the end of the day, everyone had a full box of valentines to take home.

One desk, one box ... the love of a child.

As I grew older, society taught me to narrow my offering of affection, picking only those I chose to be special or worthy. Eventually, I was taught to limit my valentines to only one person. More time went on, and then a card was not enough. To show that really special person what she meant to you, you needed to send flowers, candy and jewelry.

Apparently, as we grew older it took more and more to fill those boxes. Now we absolutely could not give to more than one person. People hire detectives to make sure that the person isn't filling anyone else's. And if you had no one to send you anything, you were saddened by your big, empty box filled only with sadness and despair.

Today, I am taking back from society what it has taken from me. I'm counting how many people play a role in my life, and I am buying "virtual" packages of cards. I have one for every single one of you -- man or woman, young or old, straight or gay, married or single. Each card is the same size, they all say the same thing -- that I appreciate who you are and what you have to contribute to each other.

I invite each and every one to do the same, so that no box is empty and the shy ones, the pretty ones, the popular ones and those who are less so go home tonight with a full box of valentines.

One virtual desk, one virtual box, and the love of a child at heart. I wish you all a happy Valentine's Day. -- ERIC IN LOS ALAMITOS, CALIF.

DEAR ERIC: Your letter touched me -- and I am sure that everyone who reads it wishes the same for you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married in a few weeks -- my third marriage, his first. We live together and keep our finances separate, which works for us. We intend to keep things that way after the wedding.

My problem is I want to keep my maiden name, and my fiance wants me to adopt his. Having been divorced twice, I speak from experience when I say what a pain it is to change one's name on checking accounts, credit cards, etc. I love my fiance and believe he's the man I'll grow old with, but I would like to keep my name.

Am I being selfish, or have you any thoughts as to how I can keep "me" on paper and still make my future husband happy? -- HAD IT WITH ALIASES IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR HAD IT: Believe me, I do sympathize with your dilemma. However, I have a question: Which is more important to you -- the hassle you'll go through one more time, or your fiance's feelings? Let the answer be your guide.