DEAR ABBY: My elderly mother lives in a rural area. Luckily, she is surrounded by wonderful neighbors who enable her to continue living in her home without assistance. They shop for her, maintain her lawn, do handyman repairs, cook for her and regularly check on her well-being.

Unfortunately, after being discharged from a recent hospital stay, Mama discovered that one of her "trusted" neighbors has been using her credit card to pay their utilities. She is heartsick. She has taken the necessary steps to cancel the credit card, but now is conflicted about the best way to handle such a sensitive issue.

Abby, is there a way for everyone to save face in this situation? -- LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

DEAR L.T.N.: I hope you realize that what you have described is more than an embarrassment. It is elder abuse and fraud.

With one glaring exception, your mother's neighbors are angels. However, they have shouldered a responsibility -- seeing that your mother is cared for -- that really belongs to your family. If you cannot personally see to it that she gets the help she needs to live independently, you should contact your state's Area Agency on Aging or Department of Social Services and arrange for someone who is bonded to do it.

A social worker can help your mother report this matter to the police in a way that she will not be embarrassed and that may help her recover the funds that were stolen.

DEAR ABBY: I am at my wits' end with my 9-year-old son, "Zane." After his wrestling practice I tell him to take a shower. He either flat-out refuses or makes excuses to prolong not taking one and then refuses. A few times I have had to personally bathe him. Zane doesn't brush his teeth regularly and barely changes his underwear. I don't know what to do to get him to take care of his personal hygiene. Please give me some advice. -- TANYA IN NORTH LIMA, OHIO

DEAR TANYA: One effective way to get a child to live by the rules is to establish them and consistently enforce them. If you are unable to get through to Zane, perhaps his wrestling coach can impress upon him the importance of personal hygiene.

When Zane returns from wrestling practice, inform him that dinner will not be served until he has taken his shower. In the mornings, let him know he is expected to brush his teeth before coming to the breakfast table, and check him out. This may be a stage your son is going through, but if it persists for more than six months, you may need more help than I can give you in this column and you should consult a child psychologist.

DEAR ABBY: When dining out at an establishment where you order your food at the counter and then they bring your food to the table, is a tip necessary?

Also, when going to coffee shops, tip jars frequently sit on the counter. How obligated should I feel to tip the people behind the counter? -- JAMI IN NASHUA, N.H.

DEAR JAMI: Food servers often earn minimum wage, which they supplement with the tips they receive. If your server is efficient and pleasant, you should leave a tip. The usual amount is between 10 and 20 percent.

At a coffee shop where there is a tip jar, assuming that you did not sit down to be served, you should put your spare change into the jar.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible -- or normal -- for someone to lack the desire to travel? I am a 23-year-old female college graduate with a good job. I am involved in a serious relationship and still live with my parents because of financial constraints. I like to think my life is pretty normal.

When my friends graduated from college, they all backpacked through Europe before starting their jobs. I was content to stay home, relax and readjust to life off-campus. Now that my friends are accruing vacation time, they are planning all sorts of trips -- cruises, vacations, road trips to visit old roommates, etc. None of this appeals to me.

I am a nervous traveler and tend to feel uncomfortable when I'm outside my "comfort zone." I'm not afraid to admit that I can be uptight, and I don't "roll with the punches" very well.

Last summer my boyfriend and I spent several weekends in a beach town about two hours away. I had a great time, although I was just as happy to go home at the end. I am not depressed or aloof. Give me an afternoon at the local mall or a movie rather than a weekend in Las Vegas. Am I weird? -- HOMEBODY IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR HOMEBODY: Weird? No. However, because of your reluctance to step out of your "comfort zone," you are missing an opportunity to learn firsthand that this country -- and the world around you -- is filled with wonderful people who would be worth knowing if you could only broaden your horizons. If this didn't bother you on some level, you would not have written me. A therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders could help you do that. I wish you good luck -- and maybe even "bon voyage."

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 10 years, "Simon," comes from a broken home. His mother left when he was quite young and as a result, his food choices are horrible. Simon is 30 now and eats only hamburgers, french fries, pizza and other fried or carb-loaded food. He includes absolutely no vegetables or lean protein in his diet.

I love my boyfriend and can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I have tried to get him to consider other foods to no avail. I'm afraid that he is slowly killing himself. He has packed on some weight since we've been together. I wouldn't call him obese, but I see what's coming. He drinks only sugar-loaded soda and hasn't seen a doctor since he was 18. I love all kinds of foods. What can I do to bring Simon over to my side? -- WORRIED ABOUT SIMON IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR WORRIED: Until your boyfriend is willing to face the fact that he has a problem, and is willing to do something about it, there is nothing you or I can do. Simon may eat the way he does because he has abandonment issues or because he never learned proper eating habits in the first place. But until he's willing to face up to what's eating him and change the way he is eating, nothing will change.

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been with my girlfriend for the last four years. I want to take a break and see what else is out there, but I don't know how to tell her without freaking her out and making her cry. Abby, how do I tell a girl who loves me that I want to take a break and see other people? -- TEEN IN MINNESOTA

DEAR TEEN: Do it in person and in plain English before you waste one more minute of her time. When you do, be sure to tell her that the reason has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. Be prepared for the fact there may be tears. However, not every relationship is permanent, and breaking up is part of dating.

DEAR ABBY: Because of a medical condition, my husband of 30 years can no longer drive a car -- so now he is driving ME nuts. Not only does he tell me how to drive ("You're too far to the right," or "Watch out for that car!" or " I'd go this way," etc.), but he feels it is his responsibility to remotely lock/unlock the car doors, remotely start the car -- anything having to do with the car but drive it. We end up "cancelling" each other out when I try to start the car or lock it.

Please tell me how to solve the dilemma about who should control the functions of the car. -- EXASPERATED IN OHIO

DEAR EXASPERATED: YOU should. However, when a man can no longer drive and his wife must take over, some males regard it as a blow to their masculinity. What your husband is doing is an attempt to reassert himself in his former role, and while it may annoy you, please try harder to understand why he's doing what he's doing and be more tolerant. I know I would.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who lost my beloved mother a few months ago. A sudden illness took her quickly. I made the difficult decision to remove her from life support when there was no longer any hope.

Mom raised me by herself, and we saw each other every day. She was my best friend. I don't know how to go on without someone to love me like she did.

I would like your opinion on an idea I have. There must be a mother somewhere who has lost an adult child and has love to give. I could reciprocate that love. I do not wish to replace my mom -- that would be impossible. She was an amazing woman. I just need someone to care for me that way. I am loved as a wife, niece and friend, but no longer as someone's child. I need to give and receive that kind of unconditional love.

Is this unhealthy? What would be the best way to fulfill my needs? I have tried individual and group therapy. I am financially independent. What are your thoughts? -- DAUGHTER OF AN ANGEL IN ALABAMA

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved mother. I know you are grieving, but what you have in mind could cause you more problems than you already have.

Right now joining a grief support group or talking with a therapist who specializes in the grieving process would be far more helpful for you than immediately trying to fill the hole in your life left by your mother's death. I am concerned that what you are considering could lead to you being cruelly exploited.

The love a mother experiences for her child is not interchangeable or replaceable in the way you are thinking of doing it. The validation you are seeking can be found in volunteer work of all kinds.

DEAR ABBY: Am I alone in feeling insulted that the only time I am invited to "friends'" homes is when they have something to sell? First it was food storage items, then jewelry and clothing, and now it's food supplements that will "change my life."

Some of these invitations come from people who have been to my home for dinners or parties, but have never reciprocated -- until now. Although I would love to be in their homes socially, I have no intention of going for a sales pitch so they can get free stuff, gain points or whatever.

Do I even owe them an RSVP for this kind of invitation? -- SOLICITED IN REDWOOD CITY, CALIF.

DEAR SOLICITED: I understand your feelings, but if you want to continue having a social relationship with these people, then politely RSVP with your regrets. To ignore the invitation would be a breach of good manners.