DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Frustrated Mom in Virginia" (Jan. 5) was on the money. There could be a wide range of reasons for her son's "shortcomings."

I can say from personal experience that it is never too late to get her son diagnosed. I am an ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) adult, whose mother mistakenly believed that being "on my case" would lessen my frequent errors. However, no matter how hard you try to learn from your mistakes, when your mind is going 100 miles an hour and thinking of 10 different things at the same time, errors are repeated.

"Frustrated's" son may appear not to care because, in part, he feels that no matter what he does, he will still fail. When I began to develop physical symptoms from the stress, my mother was told she needed to back off. I know how hard it was for my mom -- an organized person with strong attention to details -- to have a child like me who was the exact opposite.

That young man needs strategies to help improve his life, as I did. There is so much more knowledge and research than there was when I was a child. "Frustrated" should not blame herself but, like her son, she needs help, too. -- E.P. IN GARRISONVILLE, VA.

DEAR E.P.: You are among many caring readers who wanted to share their experiences with "Frustrated Mom" as a way to provide an explanation for her son's behavior. However, a psychological or neurological disorder is something that can be determined only by a physician. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am an occupational therapist, and it sounds like this young man could have Sensory Processing Disorder. It is common for people with this disorder to have difficulty grading their movements, i.e., using too much force, slamming doors instead of closing them. They also have difficulty recognizing personal space.

I suggest that the mother have her son evaluated by an occupational therapist who specializes in sensory integration. If he has SPD, their lives will change dramatically through intervention and education. -- THERAPIST IN WINTER GARDEN, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old son displays similar behavior. Asperger's syndrome is often overlooked because its symptoms can be so mild that behavior otherwise appears normal.

A common symptom is lack of personal space awareness, or the person may appear to be rude or insensitive. The lack of remorse after clumsily bumping into someone is also indicative of the emotional/social disconnect (lack of empathy) that is associated with this disorder.

The behavior can be especially frustrating because it appears the otherwise "normal" person is inconsiderate, thoughtless or unfeeling. "Frustrated" should have her son evaluated for Asperger's. -- EMPATHETIC DAD IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR ABBY: Last year my 8-year-old son was exhibiting symptoms of ADD/ADHD -- constantly losing things, fidgeting, lack of concentration, along with a wide range of other annoying behaviors. He was hospitalized and referred to occupational therapy by a therapist who recognized his symptoms as being part of Sensory Integration Disorder.

I am happy to tell you that after almost a year of OT, we have discovered ways to make his life easier by understanding what sensory input he needs. Being able to fulfill my son's sensory needs has helped with his clumsiness, forgetfulness and lack of attention, and he no longer displays signs of ADHD. Such a simple remedy to a very troublesome problem. There is hope. -- A MOTHER IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: I am a new mom who works in a high-tech start-up company that does not provide a mother's room. I'm the first employee here to have a baby. The corporate plaza in which my office is located also doesn't provide one. Therefore, I must resort to using the restroom to pump my breast milk, which must be done every few hours.

Some of the women using the restroom have wondered aloud about the "weird noise" they hear, while others walk back and forth searching for the source of the "sound."

How should I respond to them? Using the restroom is not my choice, but it is the only option I have because I plan to breast-feed my baby for as long as I can. -- PRIVACY PLEASE IN SANTA CLARA, CALIF.

DEAR PRIVACY PLEASE: You're reacting as if pumping breast milk is something to be ashamed of. It isn't. While you may be the first woman at the company to have given birth, I guarantee you won't be the last. So start communicating with the other female co-workers. It might be in all of your best interests to bring this to the attention of your supervisor or your boss.

And as to the "pacers" and "wonderers" in the restroom -- try to understand that they are merely curious. Consider printing a sign you can tape to the door of the stall you occupy that reads: "Breast Pumping Station." It will stop the questions and save you from yelling out, "It's my breast pump!"

DEAR ABBY: I was a stay-at-home mom for many years and enrolled in college when my youngest entered kindergarten. I held various part-time (and later full-time) dead-end jobs to supplement my husband's income. It took 15 years, but I finally graduated with a B.A. in history, although I have since discovered there isn't much I can do with my degree.

After almost 30 years of marriage, my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I am now on my own and struggling to survive. I have no marketable skills, can't afford to attend school full-time because I must work in order to have benefits, and don't have the money to pay for more training without going into further debt. I don't know how I'll ever be self-supporting.

My current job pays $10 an hour, the benefits are good, but I don't really like my job or see myself ever earning a higher hourly wage. If it wasn't for alimony, I'd be even worse off, but that won't last forever. (I have three years left.)

I'm thankful that my kids are on their own and don't need my support, but they can't help me either. What options are there for someone in my situation? -- FRUSTRATED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are an educated, literate, mature college graduate. You could make some executive an excellent, competent personal assistant. Depending upon what the requirements are in your state, you might also be able to be a teacher's assistant in one of the schools.

Contact an employment agency and ask if it can give you a skill assessment. I am sure you could find a job where your attributes would be appreciated if you start looking.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Josh," won't leave me alone. We have been living together for almost a year, and he is the ultimate overprotector. When I start to leave the house to run errands or anything, he stops me and asks, "Where do you think you're going?" When I tell him, he will then follow me to the location.

I love Josh and would never want to hurt his feelings, but I think he's a little too worried about me. I'm an adult, and I can take care of myself. Is Josh being too overprotective, or am I just crazy? -- OVERPROTECTED IN OREGON

DEAR OVERPROTECTED: You're not crazy. Josh's behavior is over the top and is less about your safety than his own insecurity and lack of trust. Every year or so, I print the warning signs of an abuser. Please review them carefully. If any of the signs in addition to No. 3 apply to you, you should end the relationship immediately. Read on:

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

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