DEAR ABBY: My wife thinks it's funny when she hits me. The other day I was splitting some wood and decided to take a break. I began driving golf balls into the field. She came out, grabbed the club out of my hands and whacked me in the leg with it. When I asked her why, she said, "Get back to work!" and started laughing. I was left with a large welt and a big bruise.

Another time she bought some king crab legs for dinner. When I asked her if she was serving anything else with them, she picked up a crab claw and hit me in the forehead with it. She thought it was funny. I ended up in the emergency room with three stitches.

Last night, I was trying to add up our bills on the computer. She walked in and smacked me in the chin with the keyboard. She said I should be able to do the bills on paper like a normal person.

We have been together nine years, married for three. I love her with all my heart, but I'm getting tired of her little "jokes." How can I approach her? I want her to know how I feel, but I'm afraid to offend her or make her angry. -- FRUSTRATED IN OREGON

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Why are you afraid to speak your mind? Are you afraid she'll hit you again? Your wife has a sadistic sense of humor and enjoys seeing you in pain. Unless you draw the line, she will cause you serious injury.

Regardless of how much you love her, for your own safety you should get the heck out of there. What you have described is a form of spousal abuse, and it will escalate. That's why I'm urging you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is (800) 799-7233. The counselors there offer guidance to women AND men who are being abused by their spouse or partner.

Another organization, SAFE (Stop Abuse for Everyone), also assists victims of abuse regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. Its Web site is www.safe4all.org.

DEAR ABBY: I stole a large sum of money from the company I worked for and was fired. I agreed to work out a repayment plan for all the money I owe.

Although I feel extremely lucky about the outcome, I also feel a great deal of remorse and shame for what I did. My career is probably shot to hell, my former co-workers have lost their trust in me and I can't seem to move forward with my life. I know what I did was wrong, and I am deeply sorry for it.

How do I forgive myself for what happened and get past it? I have contemplated suicide because of the pain and guilt I have experienced and for other problems in my life. -- LOST AND ASHAMED IN CHICAGO

DEAR LOST AND ASHAMED: You are going through what some people euphemistically refer to as "a rough patch." Yes, you have made some poor choices, but you are also doing the best you can to make restitution. Suicide is not the answer. Paying back the money is. Once that's done you will feel much better about yourself.

Frankly, it's time you started being a little kinder to yourself. You have beaten yourself up enough, and the last thing you need in addition is a public flogging. However, if the suicidal thoughts persist, the toll-free number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is (800) 784-2433.

DEAR ABBY: My only child, "Lauren," is 16. Her boyfriend, "Scott," treated her well when they first started dating a year ago. Now he talks down to her, makes fun of her and breaks up with her every other week for a few days. Lauren doesn't talk to us about these break-ups or anything else. She talks to Scott's mom and dad and believes everything they tell her.

Lauren used to be close to my sister and her kids, but now she ignores them. She would stay at Scott's 24/7 if we'd let her. She goes there even when he's not home, and has asked if she could spend the night over there. Of course, we refused.

We're not bad parents. Her friends all tell our daughter how lucky she is. Lauren has a nice car, pretty clothes and just about everything she wants. She doesn't have chores, but she holds down a part-time job for spending money.

I don't know why she allows Scott to disrespect her and why she has forsaken her family. We liked Scott and his family at first -- until they started turning our daughter against us. She'll be 18 before long, and I don't want to lose my daughter. Help! -- TROUBLED MOM IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TROUBLED MOM: Your daughter "has a nice car, pretty clothes and just about everything she wants." Nowhere in your letter did you mention discipline and accountability. "Chores" are for more than spending money. They reinforce the idea that a child is a contributing member of the family.

Your daughter is 16, thinks she's in love and has no experience. Scott's behavior is emotionally abusive, and he breaks up with her regularly because he wants some freedom. I don't know what your daughter is getting from Scott's parents -- perhaps it's "hope" that their son really is Prince Charming. (Not.)

I applaud the fact that you didn't allow your daughter to spend the night with him. There is still time for you and your husband to impose some rules in your home, and I hope you will do so. Family counseling could help to open the lines of communication, and you should get some right away.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has been conducting long phone calls with her newly married daughter, who seems to be having marital troubles. The conversations are interesting and quite personal. Sometimes I feel awkward hearing all the uncomfortable details, but the calls are impossible to ignore in our quiet little office.

How do I tactfully let the offender know she's broadcasting her daughter's private life to the entire office? One would think her many personal calls would weigh upon her conscience, but she seems oblivious.

Should I send an anonymous note, let the office manager deal with it or let it go? I'm ashamed to admit it, but I can't wait to hear the next installment of "My Daughter Is Too Incompetent to Handle Her Own Life." -- HOOKED ON THE DRAMA

DEAR HOOKED: How well do you know your co-worker? If you're at all friendly, do her a favor and tell her the phone calls have become a topic of conversation in the office. If you are not close and the calls keep you from getting your work done, then say something to the office manager because what the woman is doing is unprofessional.

DEAR ABBY: A former longtime friend, "Gladys," and I have been estranged for the past 10 years. It is a complicated situation, but generally it involved her divorce and later involvement with a married man.

While I am not a prude, there were some moral and ethical breaches on her part which made it uncomfortable for me to be in her company. We stopped calling or seeing each other.

Gladys has now become quite ill and may not survive. My dilemma is whether I should pay my respects to her family at the time of her death. I have known them all for many years. -- REMAINING NAMELESS IN VIRGINIA

DEAR REMAINING NAMELESS: Funerals are supposed to provide comfort for the living, and I don't see how the presence of someone who describes herself as a "former" friend of their loved one would achieve that.

I have a suggestion. Why not pick up the phone, call Gladys and tell her how sorry you were to learn of her illness? Whether you approved of her divorce and affair, you have years of history together, and it would be better for both of you to make peace while there's still time.

DEAR ABBY: I work in the office of an elementary school. There is a lot to do, and I am frequently interrupted. While I enjoy conversations with parents and students, my problem is a few parents who want to engage in lengthy conversations -- usually detailing personal problems.

One parent comes in daily, and I haven't found an effective way to extricate myself from these conversations. Walking out of the office is not an option. A ringing phone is not a deterrent as some parents will just stand there, wait until I finish and continue talking.

Have you any suggestions on how to politely let these parents know I have a job to do? -- JOB INTERRUPTED OUT WEST

DEAR JOB INTERRUPTED: Allow me to offer one: How about telling them you're behind in your work and you haven't the time to talk that day. Period. Unless you become more assertive, these people will continue to monopolize your time, make you less effective and possibly jeopardize your job.

DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old daughter, "Andrea," moved out of the house at 17. She has been living with her fiance ever since. They plan to be married this summer, and my question is: Because she left our house of her own free will, is it still my husband's and my responsibility as her parents to pay for their wedding?

She has been living with her boyfriend, already has one child and is now pregnant with twins. We feel their wedding should be their expense to bear. We're willing to pay for the event if it is, in fact, still our responsibility as the bride's parents. Please advise. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE, ANDERSON, IND.

DEAR MOTHER OF THE BRIDE: There is a common misconception that it is the RESPONSIBILITY of the bride's parents to pay for her wedding. Not true. Assuming the cost of the wedding is a GIFT to the couple, not an obligation. Many couples today are both working and pay for all or part of their wedding themselves. If you do not wish to foot the bill for the shindig, no rule of etiquette says you have to.