DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old woman who just moved back home after two years of living and learning on my own. My family has been wonderful to accept me back into their home until I finish my studies in a few months, after which I assume I'll be getting a job and my own place.

I have an amazing boyfriend, "Jordan," with whom I would love to spend some nights. I'm afraid if I do I would be disrespecting my parents' wishes -- my father is a preacher -- but at the same time I feel restricted because I got used to being on my own and doing what I wanted.

I know a few months doesn't sound like a long time, but what if I can't get a job right away and have to stay here longer? Jordan and I aren't ready to move in together, but we'd like some overnight visits. What do you think? -- GROWN-UP GIRL IN KENTUCKY

DEAR GROWN-UP GIRL: Have your parents met Jordan? Do they like him? If they have and they do, it would make things easier on you. You should definitely respect your father's position and sensitivities. A more acceptable compromise than spending "nights out" might be for you and Jordan to arrange some weekend getaways together. Of this I am certain: Young love will find a way.

DEAR ABBY: I am a man who, for 46 years, has been celebrating my birthday on Aug. 31. I recently took a trip to Northern California to visit my older sister. While we were talking about our birthdays and our late parents, my sister dropped a bombshell. She informed me that my birthday was NOT Aug. 31, but actually Sept. 1 -- like hers.

As you can imagine, I was shocked. Why would my own mother lie to me about something as important as my own date of birth? Mom even went so far as to have the doctor change the date on my birth certificate! My two older brothers confirmed it.

I am devastated at the dishonesty. Why would a mother do such a thing? Celebrating my birthday will never be the same again. -- SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS: If I had to guess, I'd say your mother was trying to do you a favor. She didn't want you and your sister to have to share a birthday; she wanted each of you to have your own special day.

What I find disconcerting is that the doctor would go along with it because a birth certificate is a legal document, and to change it is not only a breach of ethics, but also against the law.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in October and asked my matron of honor's daughter "Crystal" to sing at my wedding. However, she has not yet bothered to learn the song we requested.

Another young woman at our church has a much better voice, already knows the words and has offered to sing for us. I want to tell my friend that Crystal isn't taking this seriously and I would like to hire the other singer, but I'm afraid she will be offended. How do I approach this subject? -- NERVOUS BRIDE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR NERVOUS: To accuse your matron of honor's daughter of shirking her responsibility half a year before the wedding would be jumping the gun and cause hard feelings. If Crystal hasn't learned the lyrics by the end of August, tell her mother then that you feel the young woman hasn't taken the honor seriously and you have found someone who already knows the song. So calm down, secure in the knowledge that you have a qualified understudy standing in the wings if your first choice is unprepared.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Carrie," and I have a vacation home in Florida. Occasionally Carrie goes down there for a week or so with her best friend. While she's away, I miss her badly and can't wait for her to call so I can hear her voice. The problem is she doesn't seem to miss me.

Sometimes she "forgets" to call or acts like she doesn't want to talk to me. When she gets home she says, "Of course I missed you," but it's different when she is off having fun and I'm the one stuck at home.

Carrie says it is normal for someone on vacation to have fun and be busy, and it shouldn't matter if I'm not on her mind. Please tell me -- do I have a problem, does my wife have a problem, or do WE have a problem? -- LONELY HUSBAND IN MINNESOTA

DEAR LONELY HUSBAND: When a man says he feels neglected, and his wife forgets to call him when she's vacationing without him (and puts quotation marks around the word "forgets"!) and uses a phrase like "stuck at home," which implies resentment, then the answer to your question is you BOTH have a problem. Also, it appears you are extremely dependent upon your spouse and could benefit from developing some outside interests or male friends of your own.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of more than 20 years has a boyfriend in prison. They started out as pen pals and quickly "fell in love." He was convicted of kidnapping and committing a sex crime against a woman. He will be released from prison soon, after completing his 15-year sentence, and plans on moving in with her.

Neither my husband nor I want to get to know this man, visit him in their home or entertain him in ours. My husband is adamant about never socializing with them.

I care deeply for my friend and want her to be happy, but I think she's making a huge mistake. How can I continue this friendship? -- BEHIND THE EIGHT BALL

DEAR BEHIND: You can't. And when she asks you why you have withdrawn from her life, you are going to have to give her the reason. The idea that you can maintain a friendship with this woman and exclude the man who's living with her is unrealistic, and the sooner you recognize that fact, the better off you'll be.

DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law died unexpectedly a month ago. At his memorial service we were given numerous sympathy cards, some of which contained cash or checks. Is this commonplace? I asked other family members; they all said they hadn't heard of such a thing.

What are we supposed to do with the money? We don't know if there is a particular custom involving monetary donations. If you know, please advise. -- PERPLEXED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PERPLEXED: Giving money to the family of the deceased may be a regional custom. It is done to help the family defray the cost of the funeral or other expenses.

Unless individuals prepare in advance for "the unexpected," their survivors can be caught flat-footed when a death occurs. Bank accounts can be frozen until the estate is settled, and it can take some time for insurance money to kick in. These donations can mean that the family has rent money or even money for food and can be very meaningful.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My father, who is a deacon at his church, has cancer. I have pitched in to help Mom take him to treatments out of town. Each time he has an outpatient treatment, the pastor of his church shows up and stays with us the entire time -- sometimes all day long.

Abby, he follows me around like a lost puppy, and it is clear that he's attracted to me -- even referring to me once as his "girlfriend." I am repulsed by this reference as I am happily married to a wonderful man. This man is married, too.

I want to be there for Dad during his treatments, but I don't want to make small talk with someone who is beginning to creep me out. How do I tell him to stay away without making a huge scene? -- MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL

DEAR MAKES: Ask your father whom he would like to have with him when he's getting his treatments -- you or his pastor. Then explain exactly why. If your father feels he needs the pastor's support during this difficult time, then the pastor can transport him and your mother to the treatment center. If your parents would rather have you there, then you, they or all of you together can inform the love-struck pastor that his services are appreciated but unnecessary.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received my federal tax return refund and deposited the check into my personal savings account. Abby, that check is in my name only because I get that money for my daughter from a previous marriage. I have always put the refund into my own account.

When my husband discovered that I hadn't deposited the check into the joint account, he became furious. He behaved like a child throwing a tantrum, ranting and raving about not having access to the money without my consent.

My husband is now threatening to sell the house if I don't give in to his demand. My husband has his own personal and business accounts. Should I give in and put the funds into our joint account or stand firm and let him play out his threats? -- DISCONCERTED IN DENVER

DEAR DISCONCERTED: Do not move the money without more information. Something has happened in your husband's life, and he has hidden it from you. Whether it is business-related or personal, I can't say. Under no circumstances must you give in to blackmail. You deserve to know the truth so you can deal with it as a couple. If your husband and his CPA are not forthcoming, then you should consult a lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been invited to two weddings on the same day. Both families are close to us, but they do not know each other. My son is in one of the weddings. One is in town; the other is two hours away.

We knew about these weddings prior to being invited, but one of the couples changed their date. We thought we could split up for the day -- I would go to one and my husband would go to the other. We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am stumped. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- WEDDING WOES IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WOES: Thanks for asking. I think you and your husband should attend the wedding of the couple who invited you first. Because one couple changed their wedding date and created a conflict, you have a perfectly acceptable reason for being unable to attend.