DEAR ABBY: My mother is a wonderful person but is one of the world's worst cooks. She'll see a recipe that looks tasty, but if she doesn't have all the ingredients, she will make substitutions. If the recipe calls for uncooked shrimp, she might replace it with canned tuna. If she doesn't have bleu cheese on hand, she will use imitation cheese spread instead.

I have tried to offer her a few important guidelines. First and foremost, be sure to have all the necessary ingredients on hand before beginning to prepare a new recipe. Understand the basic techniques -- dice, shred, simmer, stir-fry. Use the recommended cooking temperatures. If the recipe says "saute," do not fry it until it's like shoe leather. Follow the proper cooking time. Fish should not be baked for 90 minutes!

Mom may not appreciate the suggestion of cooking classes, and I know about your cookbooklets. I wonder if they are simple enough for Mom to follow. What do you think? -- DYSPEPSIA IN DENVER

DEAR DYSPEPSIA: My recipes are -- for the most part -- very simple, easy to read and, frankly, delicious. They were collected by two of the most voracious eaters in recent history -- my mother and me.

Allow me to share a simple salad recipe with you. Perhaps you and your mother will enjoy making it together. It is chilled and ideal for a warm summer evening.

ABBY'S TOMATO SALAD

12 medium tomatoes, diced (about 8 cups)

2 large red onions, diced (about 3 cups)

1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon finely chopped sweet pickles

1 cup rice vinegar

10 to 12 lettuce leaves

In a large bowl, combine the first four ingredients. Cover and chill several hours or overnight. Using a slotted spoon, portion salad on individual lettuce leaves, allowing 3/4 to 1 cup per serving for a first-course salad.

Serves 10 to 12.

My cookbooklet set contains more than 100 recipes that can be used when families get together to celebrate holidays and other special occasions. My mother often used them when she entertained and so have I. They are time-tested and not complicated.

The booklets can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

My cookbooklet set not only contains recipes, but also tips on entertaining. Have your mother try the tomato salad recipe. If she can't make this one work, then from now on she might be better off buying takeout.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "SCREWED UP AGAIN" IN ATLANTA: Please stop being so hard on yourself. I know of no successful person who hasn't struck out at least once in his or her life. In the words of Vince Lombardi: "Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts."

DEAR ABBY: My father is 83. My mother has been dead for more than 30 years. Since then, Dad has been involved with many women. But since he turned 70, he has become involved with men, which he says he finds very rewarding and much less complicated.

Dad and I always had an open and honest relationship. We have a lot of homosexual family members and friends. At the same time, I'm shocked that the fact he is gay has been so difficult for me to accept. Have you any suggestions on how I might better deal with this? -- CARING SON IN MIAMI

DEAR CARING SON: Your father appears to be bisexual, which means he is attracted to both men and women. Whereas he may not have wanted to admit to himself or to you years ago that he had feelings for people of the same sex, it is no longer shocking to be open about it. Times have changed. Today a person's sexual orientation is no longer considered something to be kept hidden.

One constructive way to "deal with it" would be to realize how fortunate you are to have the kind of relationship you have always had with your dad. Be supportive, don't judge and love him for the parent he has always been.

DEAR ABBY: I'm an office manager, bookkeeper and the receptionist. What I am NOT is a maid. I have lost count of the number of times I have walked into the break room to have my lunch or get a quick cup of tea and found spilled coffee/sugar/creamer all over the counter. I clean it up when I find it because I don't like using a dirty counter, but I don't feel I should have to because I didn't make the mess.

I have considered sending out an e-mail to the office staff about cleaning up after themselves, but the issue turns my crank enough that I'm having trouble being polite about it. Every e-mail I draft makes me sound like a nagging mother, and I know when my mom nagged me it certainly never worked -- it just annoyed me.

Have you any suggestions about what I can say that will get results without offending? -- LAURA IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR LAURA: Forgo the e-mail. Post a sign in the break room, and here's what it should say: "The maid has retired. You're on your own. If you spill something, please make sure this counter is wiped clean or I will strike you dead with a bolt of lightning," and sign it, "God."

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I are eating out, before we leave I will take home a small creamer packet for my afternoon tea. My husband says this amounts to stealing, and he finds it embarrassing. I feel that because he doesn't use cream in his coffee, I am only taking "his" cream home for my use.

I know this may seem trivial, but what say you? -- SPRINGFIELD, ILL., READER

DEAR SPRINGFIELD: The sweetener, creamer and condiments on a restaurant table are supposed to be used while in the restaurant. However, you can settle this disagreement by simply asking your server before you leave if there would be any objection to your taking a packet of creamer with you to use later. I'm positive the answer will be no -- as long as you're not taking the entire supply.

DEAR ABBY: It's traditional in my family to celebrate birthdays with other family members. This may seem trivial, but I have an issue with the cake. Ever since I was a child, my mom has made a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for my birthday. The problem is, I don't like chocolate!

I have told this to Mom since I was a kid, but my comments seem to have been forgotten by the time the next birthday rolls around. Now that I'm older, I'm wondering if it's better to be gracious about it and just let it go. I never eat any of it and haven't in more than a decade, but nobody seems to notice.

I find it somewhat annoying to be served a birthday cake I don't even like. I try to put in perspective that it's a gift and I should be gracious for receiving it -- but it gets old. Any suggestions? -- VANILLA FELLA, COLUMBIA, MO.

DEAR VANILLA FELLA: You appear to be the odd man out in a family of chocoholics. Next year, tell your mother not to "bother" baking because YOU'RE bringing the cake.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old guy who has hit a road bump in life. My parents divorced when I was 12 and are still fighting. I get involved in their fights because I feel I have to, but it stresses me out.

I live full-time with Mom because Dad and I fight too much. Mom and I are also at odds nonstop. She has had several different boyfriends since the divorce. Three of them have moved into our house.

Mom and I have different opinions about her present boyfriend, who she calls her "fiance." He's the biggest reason we fight. Mom has told me her kids come first and if I really don't like him she'll ask him to leave, but I don't want her to do it if she's truly happy with him.

What should I do? Mom deserves to be happy, but I don't think this man is best for her. Please help. -- COLORADO TEEN

DEAR TEEN: Something is wrong when a person's front door becomes a revolving door, and whether this "engagement" will last is debatable. Your mother appears to be desperate for a companion, and someone who has put her happiness above common sense or responsibility to her children. You should never have been placed in the position of feeling you "have" to be involved in your parents' dysfunctional relationship -- and the fact that you are stressed is understandable.

If there is counseling available through your school, I am urging you to talk to a teacher, counselor or the principal and ask for some. It is important for your future that you keep your grades up without the kinds of distractions you're experiencing. Believe me, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper thing to do when one sits on a squeaky seat and the seat makes a noise like someone has passed gas? My first instinct is not to call attention to it. Then again, as they say, "Silence implies guilt." My second impulse is to make light of it, but I'm afraid in certain formal situations it would paint me as immature. Your advice? -- IT WASN'T ME IN WILMINGTON, DEL.

DEAR WASN'T ME: In formal situations, everyone should pretend it never happened and the conversation should proceed as it normally would. However, in casual company it is acceptable to say, "That was the seat, not the seat that is on it."