DEAR ABBY: I have just found out that my younger brother has been placed in foster care because he was abused in my mother's home. My family and I have been discussing who will take care of him, and everyone is saying it should be me because I am the only one of my siblings who has a job and my own apartment. I love my little brother with all my heart, but I don't feel all the responsibility should be placed on my shoulders.

I live in a two-bedroom apartment with my two children. My son is disabled. Yes, I do have a job, but I earn a low hourly wage and I'm on a tight budget. I am also concerned that my brother will need counseling to help him get over what he has been through.

When I explain my concerns to my family, they get angry and say I'm being selfish, and to be honest, I am feeling very guilty. Please help me because I have no idea what to do. -- CRYING AT NIGHT IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR CRYING: Dry those tears and do not allow yourself to be manipulated into something you can't handle. As a single mother, you already have your hands full caring for two children -- one of whom has special needs.

Your family is wrong to expect you to shoulder this additional challenge alone. Because none of them is offering to help you, and your brother was abused in the care of the family, accept that he may be better off in a supportive foster-care environment.

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I moved into our new home, one of the neighbor kids, "Rachael" (age 9), took a liking to me. She came over with her mom, introduced herself and asked for my phone number. I thought nothing of it. But as time has passed, she has been calling more and more to invite me over. Abby, I'm almost 30!

It has reached the point where we no longer answer our phone. Rachael also shows up at our door with her friends and wants to "hang out." Sometimes she just stands there and doesn't say anything. It's awkward because I have never been wild about kids.

The girl is also constantly in our yard, playing with our dog (even though she has pets of her own), using our outdoor furniture, etc. I thought her mom would discourage it -- but one day she actually left Rachael with me when she went out on a Saturday night.

Rachael has a response to all my excuses about why I can't see her. When I get home from work, she and several other young kids are playing in my driveway as I pull in. I have told her no one is allowed in our yard without our permission.

We are a young, happy couple with a lot of work to do on our house. We have a large yard to maintain and, frankly, I don't want to be the neighborhood baby sitter. How can I get this point across? -- STUCK IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR STUCK: You are addressing your comments to the wrong person. You should take this up with Rachael's mother. You do not have to make "excuses." There are valid reasons Rachael and her friends should not be on your property unless they are supervised. If she or one of the others should somehow injure themselves, you could be held legally responsible. If there are no restrictions on fences in your neighborhood, consider fencing your yard.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old woman who is deeply smitten with a close friend I'll call "Andy." He often tells me about other women he's interested in. As his friend, I am more than happy to listen to his troubles and offer advice. At the same time, it's not always easy to hear about these women because of my feelings for him.

Do you think that once someone is in the "friend zone" it's possible to move beyond that? Or am I doomed to a lifetime of being "the friend"? -- WANTING MORE IN NEW YORK

DEAR WANTING MORE: You are not "doomed to a lifetime of being the friend" unless you aid and abet the "perp." Your problem is you are making yourself too available. It's time to start developing other interests and other relationships. What Andy needs is a chance to miss you. And if that doesn't happen, you will have already moved on.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is 33 and living in another state. We haven't seen her in three years. Her life has been going steadily downhill since high school, her periods of employment are becoming shorter and less frequent. She calls more often than before because she needs money.

We have urged her to get therapy (we have no idea what her problems are) and have offered to pay for it.

My wife and I know we can't influence our daughter to change her life, but we agonize when we think about her wasted life. We have mourned loved ones who have died and have been able to move on, but every morning I think about my daughter, and my heart breaks a little more each time. Is there help for parents like us who need to let go? -- ANGUISHED DAD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR DAD: My heart goes out to you. Yes, there is help, and it is the same kind of help you offered to your daughter. As much as you love her, until she is ready to accept that she needs professional help to get back on track there is nothing you or anyone can do.

Alcoholics Anonymous meetings close with something called the Serenity Prayer. It applies to many people in many situations, and it may bring some comfort to you. It reads: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," and I own a small business with a partner, "Mike," who is in his late 40s and a confirmed bachelor. He constantly invites my husband out to dinner, ball games, drinks, etc. without ever including me. Rick always declines.

I think this is rude. Am I being overly sensitive? Do you think he's trying to show my husband what he's missing? -- IGNORED IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR IGNORED: I don't think you're being overly sensitive. Because this is happening repeatedly, the implications are insulting. If Mike had any degree of social sensitivity he would realize -- after many turn-downs -- that your husband prefers socializing with you to boys' nights out.

As to Mike possibly trying to show your husband what he's missing, I don't know. What IS he missing?

DEAR ABBY: My husband is threatening to leave and my 9-year-old daughter is distraught because I am embarrassed about our home and our cars. We live in an affluent suburb, but we're not one of the rich families. My daughter wants to invite friends from school over, but I'm mortified about their parents seeing our home or cars.

I know these things shouldn't matter. I love my husband, but he says I'm ruining our daughter's self-esteem and disrespecting him by being embarrassed by a life he works hard to provide. What's wrong with me, and how can I get past this? I don't want to lose my family. -- EMBARRASSED IN OHIO

DEAR EMBARRASSED: What makes a home warm and welcoming isn't whether it has been professionally decorated. Your problem isn't that you're ashamed of your house or cars. It's that you lack confidence in who you are. Your feelings stem less from what material things you lack than misplaced priorities.

When your daughter's friends visit, cookies in the oven, a welcoming smile and a willing ear if one of them needs a trusted adult in whom to confide will be more appreciated than whether your couch is new or there's a late-model car in the driveway. Many children from families who supposedly "have everything" are starved for plain old-fashioned personal attention.

I often recommend psychological counseling, but in your case, perhaps you would be better served by talking to a spiritual adviser about the difficulty you're having with appreciating how much you have for which to be thankful.

DEAR ABBY: I met "Greta" when I was in the Army Reserves. We fell in love, despite the fact that her parents disapproved of me. I come from a working-class background and Greta's family was considerably more well-off. We didn't care -- we wanted a future together.

Greta told me she had broken up with her former boyfriend because he was domineering. She assured me the relationship was over, and I believed her.

Shortly before I was discharged, Greta told me she was carrying my baby. I left for home with plans to send for her and marry her before our child was born. I lined up a job and a place to live. Several months later, Greta phoned to say she had had a baby girl. She said her parents had made her give our daughter up for adoption and asked me never to contact her again.

I honored her wishes, but I worried for years about Greta and our child. Eventually I married and had two daughters and a son. Five years ago, with the help of my children who are technologically savvy, we located my lost daughter, "Lily," and welcomed her into the family.

To cement our relationship, I had a paternity test performed recently and was shocked to learn I am NOT Lily's father. Greta still insists that I am, but DNA doesn't lie. Greta put my name on Lily's birth certificate. Lily blames herself for this mess, which is unfounded, and now says it's too painful to see me and my family again. I am so sorry for Lily and her children, who thought they were my grandchildren. What can we do? -- CRUSHED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CRUSHED: Write Lily and tell her that you were overjoyed when you found her, and that blood-related or not, you will always love her and her children. Perhaps if she reads it she will realize that in some cases we build families not just from DNA, but also from mutual need and caring. That's all you can do for now.