DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend, "Travis," and I are having a disagreement. When I get home around 5 p.m. I lock the door behind me, especially when I'm home alone. Travis gets home between 4:40 and 8 p.m.

If I arrive first, he gets upset that he must unlock the door because he often takes his laptop and other things to and from work. I told him I don't feel comfortable leaving my door unlocked when I'm here by myself. I try to get to the door to let him in if I hear him outside, but I'm usually too slow.

Travis believes I am just insecure and think the worst of the world around me. He says I am choosing my irrational feelings over upsetting him. I told him if the alternative was for me to be robbed, raped or murdered, then I would hope his having to use his key every day would be worth it. I know it's unlikely that anything will happen to me, but it only takes one time.

Abby, am I paranoid or can you help me convince Travis of the importance of locking the door, especially when I am home alone? -- SAFETY CONSCIOUS IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR SAFETY CONSCIOUS: I wish I could count the times I have turned on the evening news and heard someone say after yet another bloody tragedy: "But we live in a safe neighborhood. These kinds of things never happen here!" And how many times have we all heard the police issue a warning to the community to keep your doors and windows locked?

Of course you're not paranoid. You are acting responsibly. Unfortunately, your boyfriend is so self-centered he would rather jeopardize your safety than have his key ready when he gets out of his car. Bottom line: Either he adjusts his attitude or you should seriously consider upgrading the quality of the men in your life.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, while still in high school, I had a quick "fling" with a boy I had known since elementary school. It wasn't serious, and we didn't have sex. We mutually agreed that it was simply fun. We haven't seen or talked to each other since.

I have no regrets about it. I was 17, had just been dumped for my baby sister and was having self-esteem issues. He made me feel beautiful and desirable.

A year later I started dating my fiance. We have been together ever since. I love him dearly. We have a solid relationship, and we're very happy.

The problem is I sometimes still think about my fling from high school. I wonder what would have happened if we had dated, or if he still thinks about me. Is this normal for a woman who is getting ready to be married to the only man she has had sex with, and the only person she has dated for more than a few weeks? Or does it say more about my relationship with my fiance than I think it does? -- CONFUSED IN OHIO

DEAR CONFUSED: I'm glad you wrote. What you are feeling may be less about your high school "fling" than concern because you have limited experience in the dating world -- a boy who dumped you, a high school crush and five years with the person you met next. Obviously, you are having some doubts. It is important to examine them.

If you and your fiance have not had premarital counseling, it is in both your interests to schedule some. You're still young, and if you were ready for marriage you would be going full steam ahead -- not looking in the rearview mirror.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my early 20s and have worked for this company for a few years. One of my co-workers is my age and has always been very sweet. We talk occasionally about casual events in our lives, but I have never socialized with her outside of work and don't consider her more than a "work friend."

When she became engaged, I told her I was happy for her and admired her ring. Out of the blue she asked me to be a bridesmaid! I was taken by surprise, but she looked so hopeful that I agreed. I realize now it was a huge mistake.

She is a nice girl, but we talk only at work, maybe three times a month. She has also asked two other girls from work to be a bridesmaid and maid of honor. They are in the same boat as I am, and both were also shocked to have been asked.

The wedding is a year and a half away. I am worried that it will cost me money. Don't bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses? I would never want someone in my wedding who didn't want to be there and who honestly didn't consider herself my friend. Is there an appropriate way to get out of this and not hurt her feelings? -- DISTRESSED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR DISTRESSED: It is not necessary to tell your co-worker that you do not consider her a friend. But do tell her that, while you are flattered that she asked you to be a bridesmaid, you responded impulsively without thinking it through and that it would create a financial hardship for you -- which is why you must decline. Obviously, this young woman has no close friends, so do her a favor by not making this a topic of conversation at the office.

P.S. You are correct that it is the responsibility of the bridesmaid to pay for her own outfit.

DEAR ABBY: I am the middle child in a family of seven children. Somewhere along the way I was assigned the role of peacemaker. I have always been the person everyone goes to for help -- mostly financial -- but also for other reasons. This has caused a strain on my relationship with my significant other, "Jake."

Jake's family is not close, and he did not have a pleasant childhood. My family is sometimes too close, and we depend on each other too much. Jake accuses me of "always jumping on my white horse and riding off to save the world" and says I neglect him. He wants me to have nothing to do with my family and complains that they call too often. I do not neglect him. He is the one turning this into a big issue.

I am always there for Jake, but he is very controlling and I feel caught in the middle all the time, trying to keep him happy and not hurt my family's feelings. How can I stay true to who I am and what I believe is right and still maintain this relationship, which I have been in for more than 17 years? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: You and Jake need to reach a compromise. It is unrealistic of him to expect you to have nothing to do with your family. As caring as you are, however, you need to accept that you were not born to continually bail your siblings out of their financial difficulties.

My advice to you is to "be there" for your family when mediation is necessary, but tighten your purse strings. If you do, I'll bet there will be fewer phone calls, less rescuing and more peace in your household.

DEAR ABBY: I am starting to prepare for one of the most difficult hurdles of my career, the bar exam. Please tell me what I should do about my mother -- who just does not seem to get it.

She interrupts me constantly about things that have nothing to do with me. She calls during my study hours with requests or comments about trite issues that could be more easily handled by one of my siblings.

Before I graduated from law school, my mother expressed doubt that I could make it through. She said that two of my sisters are successful in their careers without a higher education. Shouldn't family encourage and support one another? -- FAMILY VS. CAREER IN BERKELEY, CALIF.

DEAR F VS. C: Yes, they should -- but unfortunately, not all of them actually do, and I respect the fact that you have persisted in spite of your mother's lack of vision. You didn't ask for advice, but allow me to offer some. Turn your phone off and tune your mother out until after the bar exam is over.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper use of paper and fabric napkins in a restaurant? My husband and I enjoy going to fine restaurants and including a young family member to celebrate a triumph and to teach something at the same time. We have always wondered what the proper etiquette is regarding the use of the napkin. -- ANA IN FLORIDA

DEAR ANA: The "rules" are simple. When you are seated at the table, the napkin should be unfolded and placed on your lap. During the meal, it should be used to blot your lips if needed. If you must leave the table, your napkin should be placed to the left of your place setting. When the meal is finished, the napkin should be placed to your left -- or, if the dinner or dessert plate has been removed, directly in front of you.

DEAR ABBY: For years I struggled with chronic pain from deteriorating knees. My husband and young child saw our family life slowly diminish because of my increasing physical limitations. Chronic pain and frustration changed who I was.

Last year I was blessed to be able to have both my knees replaced. I had a wonderfully skilled surgeon, persistent physical therapists -- and a heroic husband.

He learned to do the laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, little girl hair, homework supervision and all of the other literal "legwork" required to keep our family going. And he did all this while working TWO jobs.

I am now completely recovered and realize how fortunate I am to have such a loving, devoted life partner. I make sure to tell him often how much I love and appreciate him, and I also tell others.

Abby, too often we neglect to recognize our own "everyday heroes." Please remind your readers that even what can seem mundane can be truly heroic -- and to let their loved ones know that their efforts are recognized. -- LUCKY WIFE OF A HERO, STAMFORD, CONN.

DEAR LUCKY WIFE: Thank you for an upper of a letter. I'm pleased you're singing your husband's praises, because he deserves to hear every note. You picked a winner.

Readers, I have heard from you often, offering stories about pennies from heaven and acts of kindness. If you have encountered people you consider to be "everyday heroes," I hope you will let me know so I can share their stories with other readers.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)