DEAR ABBY: I often go to the movies with my friend "Valerie." During the movie she puts her phone on mute, but I can still hear when it vibrates. Val acts embarrassed by it, but she never turns the phone off.

As soon as the movie ends, Val will check her phone for the message. (It's never anything that couldn't wait.) Then she returns the call and talks to the caller all the way out of the theater and to her car where we say our goodbyes.

The last time we went to a film, I met her at a cinema miles from where I live, battling rush-hour traffic. When I arrived, she was standing in line with her exercise instructor. They spent the extra hour before the movie began discussing workout techniques, completely ignoring me and the instructor's husband. Val also "had" to place a call to a co-worker while we waited.

When Valerie calls me, she'll interrupt me in mid-sentence to take a non-emergency call from family. She promises to call me right back, but never does. Abby, I value her friendship, but I'm tired of her rudeness. I'm not good at confrontations. What can I do? -- SECOND BANANA

DEAR SECOND BANANA: The relationship you have with Val is not what I would call friendship. Friends enjoy each other's company and enjoy talking with each other. Friends are sensitive to each other's feelings. With each of the actions you have described, Val is demonstrating that you -- and your feelings -- are less important than what she impulsively decides to do at the moment.

Under the circumstances, I don't think it would be "confrontational" to tell this woman that your feelings are hurt and why. From where I sit, she has treated you like nothing more than a seat partner.

DEAR ABBY: What does it mean when a spouse refers only to himself when talking about things that involve the two of us as a couple? Example: We're building a house, but he never says "we" when talking about it. He'll say, "my house," or "I'm not going to pay that much."

When I mention this to him, he gets angry and says, "You know what I mean." Well, I don't because I always say "we" when referring to financial matters or anything else that pertains to both of us. Am I being petty? -- TEAM PLAYER IN OHIO

DEAR TEAM PLAYER: Yes, if you take this personally. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't worth picking a fight over. And if you're smart, you will choose your battles.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are invited to my dad and stepmom's house for almost every holiday. There are usually 25 to 35 people at these events. After dinner, the "girls" are expected to clear the tables, wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. I don't mind volunteering, but my stepmom INSISTS. No dessert is served until everything is clean.

When I invite guests to my home, I ask them to leave the dishes and "let's enjoy ourselves." I believe that when you invite people over, you should not expect them to work unless they volunteer. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- STUCK IN A CYCLE

DEAR STUCK: You are entitled to your feelings, but what you are describing are two different styles of entertaining. Your father and stepmom are traditional in their thinking, as demonstrated by the gender-driven division of labor. While I agree that your stepmom could be less heavy-handed in her approach, it is her house, and on their turf, the hosts get to make the rules. If you really resent being conscripted when you attend these gatherings, perhaps you should attend fewer of them.

CONFIDENTIAL TO PAULINE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: It's your birthday, Mama -- 91 amazing years. You have taught me by example all of the important life lessons, and I love you with all my heart. Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.

DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Barbie" for about six months. She's everything I ever wanted in a mate. We have a similar sense of humor, and our goals and ambitions are almost identical. Our values match, too -- except for one: My sense of propriety seems to be a stumbling block.

Abby, Barbie wears sheer tops and no bra. She doesn't usually wear any undergarments, either, even when she's in a fairly short skirt.

I grew up Southern Baptist, raised around women who feel that kind of attire is unacceptable and trashy. While the female body is, to me, one of the most beautiful things on Earth, I was brought up to believe that leaving something to the imagination is more desirable than showing everything. Barbie says I've got hang-ups, and I don't necessarily disagree. How can I deal with this? -- TRYING TO LOOSEN UP IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR TRYING: While you didn't mention it specifically, it appears you live far from your family and no longer attend church regularly -- because you do not seem to be taking into account what kind of impression Barbie is going to make when she is exposed to them.

Barbie may be a lovely woman, but she needs to understand that there are other ways to attract attention than the way she's going about it, and if you are seriously considering a future with her, you will try harder to get that message across. If she cares about you, she will compromise. That's how you "deal with it."

DEAR ABBY: Millions of baby boomers are caring for, or offering moral support to, parents or other seniors. It is sometimes hard to find the time and motivation to go and visit, and challenging to hold conversations.

May I offer a suggestion to them? This is what I did for my sweet father-in-law when he was in his late 80s and newly widowed. Rather than visit him at his home, I would pick him up and take him for rides. I made it a "sentimental journey," driving him around to his former homes, places of employment, schools the kids attended, churches where marriages were held.

He loved it. It not only gave him a chance to see old landmarks, but also how things were changing in the towns. It led to some wonderful discussions. I know for sure that long-term memories outlive short-term ones. -- JERI IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR JERI: Your suggestion is an excellent one, and you are sweet to share it with my readers. Your statement about long-term memory is true -- and another effective way to stimulate it is through music. A gift older relatives might enjoy would be discs or tapes of popular music from the '40s and '50s. That, too, should lead to some interesting topics of conversation.

DEAR ABBY: When inviting someone to a famous restaurant for a birthday celebration, is it appropriate to mention its dress code? One family member took it as an insult and that I was implying she doesn't know how to dress appropriately. (She always looks lovely when she goes out.) Because of it, she refused to attend the party, and it has caused an uncomfortable rift in the family. -- NO OFFENSE INTENDED IN MISSOURI

DEAR NO OFFENSE INTENDED: Sometimes it isn't what you say, but the way it is phrased that can offend someone. From my perspective, warning a guest in advance that a restaurant has a strict dress code is doing the person a favor. While few establishments have one anymore, this could prevent confusion or embarrassment when the group arrives.

However, because your relative felt insulted, in the interest of family harmony, extend an apology. If she doesn't accept it, the problem then becomes hers.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Frustrated Shopper in Idaho" (April 5) made me very upset. I am a cashier in a local grocery store. I understand a shopper's frustration when she/he gets in the express lane only to find someone with a full cart up ahead. But we cashiers are between a rock and a hard place. If we ask a customer to please go to another lane, the customer will get upset, tell us we're rude and complain to the manager. If we say nothing to avoid upsetting that one customer, then the others waiting in line get angry.

Customers need to be respectful and not assume they're entitled to bring their fully loaded cart into the express lane. It's not the cashier's fault, and we do not need "more training"! -- CHRISTY IN OHIO

DEAR CHRISTY: Mea culpa. I heard from a slew of angry cashiers across the country echoing similar sentiments. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a checker, and I'm frequently assigned to the express lane. I was trained very well and usually politely tell customers that it is a "10 items or less" line. However, it is beyond my control when the managers push them down my line to get them out of the store sooner, or when a manager tells me he/she is sending someone down with "a few extra things" without asking for my input. It is neither the customer's fault nor mine. I try to enforce this rule, but not all customers are polite or willing to listen. -- ANNOYED CHECKER

DEAR ABBY: A simple and effective solution to this problem would be to program the express lanes to accept no more than the posted limit for that lane, e.g., 10 items. If businesses can program their systems to accommodate senior discounts, bag rebates, double coupons, buy-one-get-one, etc., surely they can program an express lane limit. -- VIRGINIA SHOPPER

DEAR ABBY: I was a manager for 24 years at a national supermarket chain, and I can answer "Frustrated Shopper." A cashier would not be fired for enforcing the rules, but because of a higher number of customer complaints. Supermarkets want friendly cashiers. It's not the cashier's job to enforce rules; that's the manager's job.

To risk losing customers by embarrassing them is not something most managers are willing to do. Think about it: Who's spending more -- the person with a few items or someone with a full cart? -- FORMER MANAGER IN ORLANDO

DEAR ABBY: I'm a checker for a national grocery chain, and I'll share with you a checker's "wish list" for grocery shoppers:

1. If you're shopping with a friend and have more than one order in the cart, please use the regular checkout line. While each order may be less than 15 items, two 10-item orders take more time than one large order, so please be considerate of others. They're in a hurry, too.

2. If you're buying liquor, have your ID, wallet, debit card, cash, etc. on your person, not out in your car.

3. If you have special bagging needs, please use the regular lines. The express lane is not the place for this type of special handling.

4. While you're at the register, please stay off your cell phone. Checkers are people, too, and we may have questions and need your attention. Distracted customers slow us down.

In other words, treat the express lane (and the checker) the way you would like to be treated if you were in a hurry and the person who is standing behind you in line. -- FRUSTRATED CHECKER IN THE USA