DEAR ABBY: After returning from a five-day vacation, my wife and I discovered our air-conditioning system was on the fritz, but we were so tired we went to bed anyway.

I woke up the following morning, grabbed a quick shower and, feeling amorous, gently awakened my wife. I suggested she might want to also shower so we could "get close" before the house got too warm. She agreed.

I waited and waited. She seemed to be taking a very long time. When I peeked in I found her scrubbing the shower floor and walls. I was mighty unhappy that my wife would rather scrub the shower than join me in bed.

She says she did nothing wrong and claims I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. What say you? -- STILL HOT AND BOTHERED IN GEORGIA

DEAR STILL H AND B: Has your mind never wandered? Perhaps your wife saw a speck or two of soap scum as she was finishing her shower -- after all, two people had just used it. Rather than becoming upset, you should have gone into the shower to help her get the job done. If you had, things might have worked out differently.

DEAR ABBY: If someone is in an "unhappy" marriage with kids, is it a good idea or bad thing to wait until the kids are adults before considering divorce? The parents of almost everyone I know divorced while they were young. Mine did when I was about 20. But I know many couples who are staying together only for their kids, and I wonder if that's best for everyone. Your thoughts, please. -- "WENDY" IN WASHINGTON

DEAR "WENDY": You have asked a question for which there is no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on the condition of the marriage and how well both partners can sublimate their frustrations. While staying together for the sake of the kids may seem like an idyllic solution, I have heard from children of dysfunctional couples saying that although their parents didn't fight openly, they could feel the tension between their parents and would have grown up emotionally healthier if their parents had separated.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently started a great new job at a place I love. One day a week I'm unable to be there, so the woman I replaced works that day.

We now share a desk -- which I would not normally mind, but she has left all her belongings on the desk and around the workspace. I'm talking about photos, mementoes, hand creams, shoes, books, etc.

As the primary holder of the position, I think I should be able to keep my personal items in the area and put my own photos on the desk. After all, she is there one day a week only.

I wouldn't be opposed to her having a drawer to herself, or a designated area where she can keep her stuff. I don't want to create animosity between us, so how should I go about this? -- DOESN'T DO MONDAYS

DEAR DOESN'T: Because the woman works on the day that you are off, ask your supervisor or office manager to speak to her. Your request seems reasonable and sensible to me, and frankly, I'm surprised that she hasn't realized it and removed most of her things without having to be prompted.

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DEAR ABBY: You got it all wrong with "Dismayed in Roswell, Ga." (April 8), who complained that his daughter's fiance didn't ask his blessing before proposing. I'm the mother of two high-school-age daughters, and it would signal a rupture in our relationship if my husband and I were not included in the process.

You made it sound like this self-supporting daughter has no obligation to help her father and fiance begin their own relationship as in-laws. This is a perfect time for this "grown" young woman to establish a mutually respectful adult/parent connection. Advising Dad that the "gesture was unwelcome" is advising him to swallow all efforts to communicate and connect with his daughter and her fiance, when he clearly wants to be included.

I'm also unimpressed with a young man who would make no effort to ingratiate himself to his future children's grandfather. Marriages in our society are struggling to survive precisely because young people like those place no importance on building a support system. We need our parents and others to help us through the tough challenges. As a divorced father, "Dismayed" deserves every opportunity before the wedding to help his daughter get it right the first time. -- JAN IN ST. PAUL

DEAR JAN: Your opinion was shared by some -- but certainly not all -- of those who wrote to comment. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The custom of asking a father for permission to marry his daughter is outdated and for good reason. It's not so much a gesture of respect as a symbolic gesture that indicates the woman is a piece of property being "purchased" from the previous owner (the father) by a prospective new owner (husband-to-be).

The daughter in that letter, "Amanda," is one of many women today who regard the practice as disrespectful to women, not respectful to loving fathers. Dad's comment about "who wears the pants" in the family shows he feels Amanda should be unequal and subservient to her new "owner." She wants no part of this custom, not because her fiance "doesn't pass muster," but because she lucked out and found a man who, unlike her dad, views her as an equal in their relationship and, therefore, is as offended as she is by this outdated practice. -- OUTRAGED IN BELLEVUE, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: "Dismayed" said that his 24-year-old daughter was "out on her own, leading a productive life." Why should he feel that her hand was his to give?

When I became engaged after living independently for a number of years, I made it clear to my fiance that I would be insulted if he asked my father for permission to marry me. Saying that it's a sign of respect to Dad is missing the point that treating a woman as a free and independent person is a sign of respect to HER. -- DIANE IN OAKDALE, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Men should ask the fathers of their brides-to-be for permission! It gives the dads the opportunity to really talk to the men about their intentions and goals. I am 23 and many of my friends are getting married. Each of their fiances has asked their father. And I would not accept a ring unless my beloved had asked mine. -- MEAGHAN IN NEW YORK

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old married woman who, unfortunately, has an overprotective mother. Mom was always clingy. When I was young I was rarely allowed to go anywhere without her, including visits to nearby homes of friends or family. She always had to come along, too.

Now, Mom is insisting I call her every night "so she can hear the sound of my voice" and I can let her know I'm all right. It's driving me insane. We live in the same town. If I go over to visit, she expects me to call her the minute I get home so she knows I'm OK. I finally put my foot down on that one. But still she pouts.

Mom is 70. If I tell her I won't call, she lays a guilt trip on me. The nightly phone conversation is always the same, and it has become a chore. I don't enjoy it, and needless to say, my husband isn't thrilled with it either.

I know of no one my age who calls her mother every night. Talking once a week to catch up on things would be better -- we could have an enjoyable conversation. How can I stop this without feeling horrible? Am I wrong? -- CONFLICTED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFLICTED: I feel sorry for your mother. She apparently has no other life, no other interests beyond you. You have my sympathy, too, but at her age, it is unrealistic to expect her to change a pattern that was set 35 years ago.

I don't know how involved these nightly conversations with her are, but I recommend you make them very short. "Hi, Mom -- I'm home. Goodbye!" Alternatively, you could agree upon a signal such as one ring of the phone so she'll know you are safe. Even then, she probably won't be satisfied, so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: I recently spent a few days with my 64-year-old brother, "Austen." His wife divorced him several years ago, and his latest girlfriend recently broke up with him. I suspect I know why. He has turned into a crashing bore.

My brother used to be interested in the people around him, but now it seems like he doesn't care about anyone but himself. He spends hours on end telling me -- and anyone else who will listen -- about the minutiae of his daily life. He talks about his chores, his plans for future chores and the shows he listens to on the radio.

He never once asked about me or the rest of the family, about our interests or activities unless it was a setup so he could deliver another monologue about something.

Austen wants to start dating again. Would I be doing him a favor by saying something about his self-centeredness? Or would I be hurting his feelings? I miss the way my brother used to be. -- SILENT SISTER IN ARIZONA

DEAR SILENT SISTER: When did this personality change in your brother occur? Was it sudden, or has it been coming on for a long time? He may be depressed over the failure of his marriage and his latest romance. Or there may be an underlying physical cause.

As a loving sister, suggest that your brother have a checkup with his doctor if it has been some time since he's had one. If he wants to know why, it would not be out of line to tell him that when you visited him it seemed that his horizons are no longer as broad as they used to be, and you are worried that he may be depressed. But do not tell him you think he has turned into a self-centered bore because it would be both unkind and unhelpful.