DEAR ABBY: I began dating "John," a few months ago. We are in our 60s and went to the same high school.

John is a good and decent man. He says he is in love with me and wants to marry me. There's just one problem: John can't read. He has never admitted it, but several things have happened that indicate it.

I don't want to hurt him, but this has turned into a big problem for me. I just cannot believe that this could have continued for such a long time. I have a master's degree. I'm not hung up on degrees, but I at least expected to be with someone who was literate. Can you advise me? -- J.J. IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR J.J.: Considering how well John has been able to manage all these years without having learned to read, it shouldn't come as any surprise to you that many illiterate people develop clever coping skills to hide their problem. There is help for your friend -- if he is willing to admit he needs it. John may be dyslexic or have another learning disability. But there are special classes for adults in his situation. Many libraries offer literacy classes for adults.

Granted, there are disadvantages to not knowing how to read, chief among them that it prevents someone from enjoying my column. But what you must decide is whether you can love a man who is obviously street smart rather than formally educated. It doesn't have to be a cause for rejection unless you choose to make it one.

DEAR ABBY: After 32 mostly wonderful years of marriage, I lost my husband. "Arthur" had been having serious health problems for the last three years. He couldn't work and was unhappy and needy.

My first reaction after his death was, "I'm free! I can do what I want." (I had never realized I felt this way.)

Clearing out my husband's stuff and the junk he kept was exhilarating. I feel good because my house is orderly. I know of no one who has ever had this reaction. Why do I feel guilty? How can I heal? Losing a mate should be devastating. A clean house should be unimportant. -- ALONE BUT HAPPY IN CANADA

DEAR ALONE BUT HAPPY: You'll start healing as soon as you quit flogging yourself for not feeling awful. Caring for an unhappy, needy and ailing spouse for three years is physically exhausting and emotionally draining. And while many widows and widowers would not broadcast these sentiments, your feelings are not unusual. You did everything you could for your husband during his illness, and his death freed you of those demands. So enjoy your house, enjoy your life and stop blaming yourself for having a sense of relief. In time you may experience a sense of loss, but not necessarily.

DEAR ABBY: I have caller I.D. on my telephone. A friend jumped on me the other day because he knows that I knew who was calling, and I still answered, "Hello?" rather than saying, "Hi, Steve." Did I do something rude? And what is the proper greeting? -- CRITICIZED IN CONCORD, CALIF.

DEAR CRITICIZED: Hello? Your friend Steve must have been having a bad day and took it out on you because either greeting is acceptable -- and the way you answered your phone is the way it is traditionally done. You were most definitely not rude.

DEAR ABBY: My little sister, "Cynda," committed suicide nine years ago. She was only 13. She did it because she was being severely bullied at school.

I am now a mother, and my 7-year-old daughter has been asking about Aunt Cynda and how she died. I have told her that Auntie Cynda had a bad hurt on her neck and passed away. Abby, my sister hung herself in her bedroom.

When is the right time or age to explain suicide to a child? This is a very sensitive subject in my family. I don't want my daughter talking to others about my sister's death, especially my mother. I would prefer to teach my little girl about the wonderful person Cynda was. Do you have any advice for me? -- HOLDING ONTO INNOCENCE

DEAR HOLDING: Yes. I sympathize with your desire to protect your daughter's innocence. But has it occurred to you that the reason she's asking about Cynda is because she has already heard something and didn't get the answers she needed?

Ask your daughter why she's asking about her aunt. Then give her bits of information in doses she can absorb. A suicide in the family can be a sensitive subject, but sooner or later the truth is going to come out. And it's important that your child know that if she has questions about ANYthing, she can come to her mother for honest answers.

DEAR ABBY: "Lila" is a lovely girl who works part-time in the administrative office of our university to help pay for her education. She has scoliosis, a curvature of the spine, which you would never guess by looking at her.

Lila's problem is she has an hour-long ride on the subway to get here, and after carrying a heavy backpack all day, standing becomes too painful. There have been times when she has given up her seat to an elderly person or a pregnant woman, but sometimes her back is so sore she simply cannot get off her seat.

What is the proper etiquette in this situation, and how should she deal with the glares she gets when she doesn't give up her seat? -- CURIOUS IN ONTARIO

DEAR CURIOUS: Your friend does not owe anyone an explanation for remaining in her seat -- and the less personal information she reveals about herself to strangers, the better. However, I do have a word of advice for her. Instead of lugging around a heavy backpack, which further stresses the muscles in her already stressed back, she should invest in a rolling bag to transport her books. It might help her to have less pain more often.

DEAR ABBY: I work with a guy I consider to be a close friend. He is friendly, outgoing and very personable. My concern is that he often tells lies -- sometimes about big things, other times about small ones. I see a pattern, and it's really starting to annoy me.

He lies to his wife about "working late" to avoid going home early to help with the kids. He'll lie to me about innocuous things and to our boss about his accomplishments.

I believe lying is one of the worst things a person can do. Should I call him on it, or just start distancing myself from the friendship? -- TIRED OF THE LIES

DEAR TIRED: The last thing you need is an enemy in the workplace. I see nothing to be gained by calling your co-worker on the fact that he isn't a straight shooter. Your mistake is in thinking this man is capable of real friendship. He may be "friendly, outgoing and personable," but he lacks the most important ingredient necessary in a friendship, and that's character. Distancing is the way to go.

DEAR ABBY: A co-worker, "Marilyn," recently returned from time off with a noticeably different face. She said nothing about it, so we didn't either for a while. Finally, one woman remarked to her that she appeared to have had "some work done." Abby, Marilyn denied it!

What's considered proper here? Should we have said something initially about her radically changed appearance? We were afraid if we ignored it she'd be disappointed. Having spent that much money and gone through that much pain, wouldn't she have been crushed if we hadn't? -- INQUIRING MINDS IN PASADENA

DEAR INQUIRING: When someone has spent big bucks on plastic surgery, the one question that person does NOT want to hear is, "Have you had some work done?" If someone has a good surgeon, the results are subtle, not radical.

A more tactful way to have approached your co-worker would have been to say, "Marilyn, you look wonderful -- so RESTED. That trip took years off you ... " Then, if Marilyn wanted to share her secret, she could have -- or just said thank you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have always been active. We're avid campers and certified scuba divers; we water-ski and enjoy taking leisurely rides along country roads on our motorcycle.

I recently had an accident and had to have an X-ray of my spine. Afterward, my doctor informed me that the vertebrae in my neck are positioned in such a way that if I'm ever in another accident, I would probably become a paraplegic.

My husband now wants to sell our motorcycle and do everything possible to "protect" me. How do I tell this wonderful man that I don't want to change our lifestyle? We do not do anything dangerous, but he insists that we now have to watch out for "the fools out there." -- ADVENTURER IN ALBANY, GA.

DEAR ADVENTURER: Frankly, I agree with your husband. There is no denying that motorcycles can be dangerous even when the riders are taking every precaution. However, because you feel so strongly about this, perhaps you should consider getting a second medical opinion. If the second doctor agrees with the first, then you and your husband must decide whether a leisurely ride in the country is worth the risk of a lifetime in a wheelchair, because that outcome would affect him, too.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a small town in Alaska. A relationship with a woman I loved more than I have ever loved anyone has ended. I'm left with only pain, misery and suffering.

I keep trying to move on, but everything I do makes me think of her. I have asked friends for advice; they all tell me to "man up and get over it!"

It's frustrating to be told to "get over her" and accept what is. I know brooding isn't helpful, but it's a natural byproduct of pain. What I need to ask you is this: Is it worth putting your heart and soul on the line with the likely possibility of having them crushed? I hope so, because without hope, then what is there to live for? That thought scares me more than anything I have ever experienced. -- HEARTBROKEN UP NORTH

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Of course it's worth it, because without risk there is no reward. I am speaking with the voice of experience. You have plenty to live for. Falling in love is like prospecting for gold. Sometimes you strike the mother lode on the first try, but most times you have to keep digging. I don't know how small the community you live in is, but if it's so small that most of the eligible candidates for romance have been eliminated, then you should consider relocating.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)