DEAR ABBY: I would like to make my father's final years of life happy ones. The problem is, Dad is a bigot. He is loud, opinionated and verbally abusive to and about people. Visiting him is stressful because I know the conversation will, at some point, turn to how terrible a certain person, country or political persuasion is. He is ill-informed yet convinced he is right.

My father is also not willing to forgive anyone who has hurt him. He thrives on anger and hate. It saddens me that his last years are so rooted in unhappiness and negativity. I don't know how to create lasting, loving memories -- for both Dad and me. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- OUT OF IDEAS IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: Your impulse is noble, and I respect you for it. But your father didn't suddenly become the way he is. What you have described are the patterns of a lifetime.

You might have better luck if you limit your time with him, and when you visit and he goes off on a tangent, smile and say, "Dad, we get to spend so little time together -- let's talk about happy things." If that doesn't improve this situation, you might be able to retrain him by saying, "Dad, if you're going to go on like this, then I can't stay."

But please accept the fact that you are not going to change your father. Change has to come from within.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has recently become bulimic, and it is having an impact on our family. I have looked into treatment centers where patients can go for two to six weeks and receive constant care and help, but they are very expensive. Where can someone go to get help that does not cost an arm and a leg? -- NEEDS HELP FAST IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEEDS HELP FAST: The first thing you must do is see that your wife is examined by her medical doctor to determine whether the bulimia has harmed her body. Then she needs to be evaluated by someone who treats bulimia to find out how serious her problem is. Inpatient treatment is expensive, but your wife's condition may not be so serious that it is warranted.

A daytime program in which she could return home at night might work for her, and it is less expensive. Another possibility would be ongoing therapy once or twice a week, which is even less costly. Some programs charge on a sliding scale.

Public agencies such as the Department of Social Services or Mental Health Services may have therapists who are qualified to treat bulimia at reduced rates. Or depending upon your family's financial situation, she might qualify for treatment under Medicaid.

An organization that may be able to guide you is the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders Inc. (ANAD). While ANAD does not offer treatment, it does provide information about self-help groups, therapy and referrals to professionals. For more information, visit its Web site at � HYPERLINK "http://www.anad.org" ��www.anad.org� or call (847) 831-3438.

DEAR ABBY: I am a budding photographer and have recently framed and hung a montage of some scenic photos I took on my bathroom wall. The problem is, my husband says that photographs do not belong in the bathroom. What do you think? -- DEFLATED EGO

DEAR DEFLATED: Actually, your husband may have a point. The steam and dampness could damage your prints. So ask him where he thinks a more appropriate place to display them might be, and see if anything "clicks" so you can reach a compromise.

DEAR ABBY: I began dating "John," a few months ago. We are in our 60s and went to the same high school.

John is a good and decent man. He says he is in love with me and wants to marry me. There's just one problem: John can't read. He has never admitted it, but several things have happened that indicate it.

I don't want to hurt him, but this has turned into a big problem for me. I just cannot believe that this could have continued for such a long time. I have a master's degree. I'm not hung up on degrees, but I at least expected to be with someone who was literate. Can you advise me? -- J.J. IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR J.J.: Considering how well John has been able to manage all these years without having learned to read, it shouldn't come as any surprise to you that many illiterate people develop clever coping skills to hide their problem. There is help for your friend -- if he is willing to admit he needs it. John may be dyslexic or have another learning disability. But there are special classes for adults in his situation. Many libraries offer literacy classes for adults.

Granted, there are disadvantages to not knowing how to read, chief among them that it prevents someone from enjoying my column. But what you must decide is whether you can love a man who is obviously street smart rather than formally educated. It doesn't have to be a cause for rejection unless you choose to make it one.

DEAR ABBY: After 32 mostly wonderful years of marriage, I lost my husband. "Arthur" had been having serious health problems for the last three years. He couldn't work and was unhappy and needy.

My first reaction after his death was, "I'm free! I can do what I want." (I had never realized I felt this way.)

Clearing out my husband's stuff and the junk he kept was exhilarating. I feel good because my house is orderly. I know of no one who has ever had this reaction. Why do I feel guilty? How can I heal? Losing a mate should be devastating. A clean house should be unimportant. -- ALONE BUT HAPPY IN CANADA

DEAR ALONE BUT HAPPY: You'll start healing as soon as you quit flogging yourself for not feeling awful. Caring for an unhappy, needy and ailing spouse for three years is physically exhausting and emotionally draining. And while many widows and widowers would not broadcast these sentiments, your feelings are not unusual. You did everything you could for your husband during his illness, and his death freed you of those demands. So enjoy your house, enjoy your life and stop blaming yourself for having a sense of relief. In time you may experience a sense of loss, but not necessarily.

DEAR ABBY: I have caller I.D. on my telephone. A friend jumped on me the other day because he knows that I knew who was calling, and I still answered, "Hello?" rather than saying, "Hi, Steve." Did I do something rude? And what is the proper greeting? -- CRITICIZED IN CONCORD, CALIF.

DEAR CRITICIZED: Hello? Your friend Steve must have been having a bad day and took it out on you because either greeting is acceptable -- and the way you answered your phone is the way it is traditionally done. You were most definitely not rude.

DEAR ABBY: My little sister, "Cynda," committed suicide nine years ago. She was only 13. She did it because she was being severely bullied at school.

I am now a mother, and my 7-year-old daughter has been asking about Aunt Cynda and how she died. I have told her that Auntie Cynda had a bad hurt on her neck and passed away. Abby, my sister hung herself in her bedroom.

When is the right time or age to explain suicide to a child? This is a very sensitive subject in my family. I don't want my daughter talking to others about my sister's death, especially my mother. I would prefer to teach my little girl about the wonderful person Cynda was. Do you have any advice for me? -- HOLDING ONTO INNOCENCE

DEAR HOLDING: Yes. I sympathize with your desire to protect your daughter's innocence. But has it occurred to you that the reason she's asking about Cynda is because she has already heard something and didn't get the answers she needed?

Ask your daughter why she's asking about her aunt. Then give her bits of information in doses she can absorb. A suicide in the family can be a sensitive subject, but sooner or later the truth is going to come out. And it's important that your child know that if she has questions about ANYthing, she can come to her mother for honest answers.

DEAR ABBY: "Lila" is a lovely girl who works part-time in the administrative office of our university to help pay for her education. She has scoliosis, a curvature of the spine, which you would never guess by looking at her.

Lila's problem is she has an hour-long ride on the subway to get here, and after carrying a heavy backpack all day, standing becomes too painful. There have been times when she has given up her seat to an elderly person or a pregnant woman, but sometimes her back is so sore she simply cannot get off her seat.

What is the proper etiquette in this situation, and how should she deal with the glares she gets when she doesn't give up her seat? -- CURIOUS IN ONTARIO

DEAR CURIOUS: Your friend does not owe anyone an explanation for remaining in her seat -- and the less personal information she reveals about herself to strangers, the better. However, I do have a word of advice for her. Instead of lugging around a heavy backpack, which further stresses the muscles in her already stressed back, she should invest in a rolling bag to transport her books. It might help her to have less pain more often.

DEAR ABBY: I work with a guy I consider to be a close friend. He is friendly, outgoing and very personable. My concern is that he often tells lies -- sometimes about big things, other times about small ones. I see a pattern, and it's really starting to annoy me.

He lies to his wife about "working late" to avoid going home early to help with the kids. He'll lie to me about innocuous things and to our boss about his accomplishments.

I believe lying is one of the worst things a person can do. Should I call him on it, or just start distancing myself from the friendship? -- TIRED OF THE LIES

DEAR TIRED: The last thing you need is an enemy in the workplace. I see nothing to be gained by calling your co-worker on the fact that he isn't a straight shooter. Your mistake is in thinking this man is capable of real friendship. He may be "friendly, outgoing and personable," but he lacks the most important ingredient necessary in a friendship, and that's character. Distancing is the way to go.