DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have decided to take our son out of the day care where he has been for the past six months. It's a small center, run by a woman, "Joni," who serves as director and lead teacher. She started the service two years ago and manages a staff of about 12.

Joni is the reason we are leaving. She seems incredibly stressed out all the time. She is curt with us when we talk and has been too harried to discuss our concerns over our boy's care. She appears to be more preoccupied with finances than the quality of care she is providing. One of our favorite teachers just quit, and she confided that it was because of the difficulty she had working with Joni.

Because we told Joni we are going, she has requested an "exit interview" to discuss what didn't work for us. I am hesitant about it. If we let her know the impact her stress is having on the quality of service she provides, she might be able to hire an administrator and make improvements. On the other hand, she may take offense.

Our community is small, so we will see her around, and because there are few child care centers, we may need to go back to this one someday. Should we be frank with her or let it go? -- MIDWEST MOM

DEAR MIDWEST MOM: Have the meeting with her. Be kind, calm and nonconfrontational, and do not tell her how to run her business. Explain that you are seeking other options for your son because she has been preoccupied and seems not to have enough time to address your parental concerns. Say you understand how complicated it is running a business even in the best of times, but as much as you like her, your first responsibility must be to your child. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single woman in my 60s who lives alone. One of my greatest fears is developing dementia. Because there is no one living with me, there would be no one around to notice changes in my behavior.

I am still able to balance my checkbook, do my grocery shopping, drive myself to the dentist's office, etc. If I ever need assisted living, how would I recognize the fact so I could make other arrangements before requiring someone else to make them for me? -- GROWING OLDER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR GROWING OLDER: Most single women have friends with whom they interact on a regular basis. If you didn't recognize the signs that you were slipping, one or more of your friends probably would.

With our population living longer, concerns about age-related dementia are growing. Because this is one of your concerns, discuss it with your physician and request to be evaluated for signs of dementia during your annual physicals.

DEAR ABBY: I am a college student with a gender-neutral name. I often need to exchange e-mails with people who have never met me, and I am frequently assumed to be male when I am, in fact, female.

Is there a polite way to correct this in my return e-mails? Or should I not let people know they have made a mistake until they meet me in person? -- Z.W., CAMBRIDGE, MASS.

DEAR Z.W.: A sure way to let people know they have made an incorrect assumption would be to sign your return e-mail "Ms. Z.W."

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Hugh," is wonderful in every way except one. He is extremely controlling when it comes to money, particularly on what we spend on gifts for my grown children and our baby grandson.

Not only does Hugh set the dollar limit for birthday and Christmas gifts, but he insists on deciding WHAT we give them. An example: My grandson's first birthday is coming up. Hugh told me we're buying the child a $100 savings bond and will continue to do it every year.

This is certainly not a "fun" gift! I had planned on spending between $100 and $150 on toys and clothes for him -- tangible gifts for him to open. I'm not arguing the fact that Hugh's suggestion is sensible and the boy may appreciate it someday, but it's just not exciting.

Hugh and I make $140,000 a year between us. I work full time, so I think I should be able to do what I want, within reason. What do you think? -- WHERE'S THE FUN IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR WHERE'S THE FUN: For a child's first few birthdays, most little ones are far more interested in getting their hands into the cake and frosting than opening "exciting" gifts. Until your grandson is a little older, a few small, inexpensive toys in colorful paper he can rip open should be sufficient. While it may be galling to be "told" by your husband what you can or cannot give to your offspring, in this case, I think you should listen to your pennywise husband.

DEAR ABBY: Please print this "act of kindness" letter so the person who helped me can get the proper thanks he deserves.

My boyfriend and I went out to a movie. As we got out of my car, I noticed that one of my tires was almost flat. He decided to go ahead and buy the tickets while I drove to a nearby gas station to put air in the tire. By the time I got back to the parking lot, the tire was completely flat, and it had begun to drizzle.

I called my boyfriend on his cell, only to have him tell me he had already bought the tickets, and he knew nothing about changing a tire. He said he'd wait inside the theater and for me to "hurry up." I stood there in shock.

I knew nothing about changing a tire, either. A man jogging by with his family on their way to dinner saw my distress, and sent his family ahead to get a table and dry off while he stopped to help me.

By then it was pouring rain, so my thank you to him was brief. He wouldn't accept anything for helping me and ran to join his family. I never got his name and have regretted it ever since.

When I entered the theater my boyfriend chewed me out for making him miss the first part of the show! All I could think of during the movie was how lucky that Good Samaritan's wife was to have such a kind husband, and how silly I was to still be sitting there with my jerk of a boyfriend.

The gentleman who helped me that evening changed more than my tire. He changed my life because he made me realize the kind of people I want to surround myself with -- people with the compassion to help a stranger, even if it means doing it in the pouring rain. -- THANKFUL IN LINCOLN, ILL.

DEAR THANKFUL: I, too, hope the kind-hearted man who stopped to help sees your letter because he is both selfless and generous. And I'm pleased you learned the important life lesson his good deed taught you. For your boyfriend to have left you standing alone in the rain while he waited inside the theater was not only selfish and inconsiderate, but also dangerous.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: We invited our 5-year-old son's entire class to his birthday party. Unbeknownst to us, another child had one scheduled the same day. Because my son was new to the school and hadn't made friends yet, he wasn't invited. Imagine how he felt when only one child showed up. Had even one parent RSVP'd and said there was another party that day, we would have rescheduled. Because good manners were disregarded, our child was hurt.

I mentioned it to my parents, and to cheer our son up we decided to take him to the beach. When we returned and opened our front door, we found assorted wrapped presents with cards attached wishing our son a happy birthday and saying, "We're sorry we couldn't come to your party."

My folks did not tell us they were going to do it. They said they had "found" the presents on the porch and brought them inside while they were house-sitting. Their thoughtfulness and caring -- not to mention their creativity -- took away much of the hurt. I get tears in my eyes thinking about it. Our son is now in his early teens and has never been told the story.

I would like to thank my parents again and tell them how much their gesture meant. Also, please advise parents that when they receive an invitation to a child's party -- or any party, for that matter -- to RSVP! No child should have to feel that kind of hurt. -- STILL GRATEFUL IN ROCK HILL, S.C.

DEAR STILL GRATEFUL: Your parents are loving, generous and resourceful. Your letter raises two important issues. Because your boy was new to the school was no reason for him to have been excluded. Many schools require that when the entire class is invited to a party, if the party invitations are issued at school, that all students be included.

Also, there seems to be confusion about what "RSVP" means. Some people think it means they should respond only if they plan to attend the gathering. Not so! The rules of etiquette dictate that if a prospective guest cannot attend, that he or she contact the issuer of the invitation and offer regrets.

DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. I have always valued my appearance and choose to dress nicely. I buy name-brand, high-quality clothing. I don't mind paying for the name and quality.

Over the last year I have lost more than 100 pounds. I have to buy new clothes monthly as my weight continues to drop. I am still buying name-brand garments.

Three or four ladies in my office could easily wear my things and have asked if I'll give my clothes to them. Abby, I spent thousands of dollars on my wardrobe. I had intended to sell the items at a garage sale to help finance my new one. How should I respond to those women? -- GROWING THINNER IN KANSAS

DEAR GROWING THINNER: Congratulations on your weight-loss success. First, please do not sell your expensive items at a garage sale. You will get a better price if you place them at a consignment store. Second, when your co-workers ask for the items, tell them that you can't give them the clothes that no longer fit because you are selling them to cover the cost of things you need to replace. Then offer them the address of the consignment shop.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)