DEAR ABBY: At the age of 72, having had two spouses over the years, I need to put in my two cents regarding the letter from "Still Hot and Bothered in Georgia" (July 8). I have learned that some women won't say "no!" to a husband's amorous advances, especially in the morning. But they will try to distract him by scrubbing the tub, spotting a spider on the wall, feeding the cat or saying she forgot to fold the laundry and has to do it before it wrinkles. Whether it's conscious or unconscious, they do it to cool their husbands off on a "hot" morning.

"Still Hot and Bothered" may need to give some thought to what turns his wife on or off -- especially the timing. After all, we are from Mars and they are from Venus. -- ALEX IN BLUE BELL, PA.

DEAR ALEX: I agree that timing is important. My office was showered with responses from readers who were steamed over my response to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The guys and I enjoy reading your column out loud to see if we agree or not with your advice. We were unanimous in our disagreement with your advice to "Still Hot and Bothered."

We would have been torqued if our wife had stayed in the shower to clean it instead of coming to bed for a good romp. We also would have showered with our wife to start the festivities early and then moved to the bedroom.

Several of the guys said they'd have gotten into the shower and made the cleaning come to a halt. There's a time for cleaning, and it's not when your husband is waiting with his motor running. -- THE GUYS IN THE ELECTRIC LAB, HARRISONBURG, VA.

DEAR ABBY: I'm not against spontaneous cleaning (I do it myself), but the fact that the wife would rather clean than spend time with her husband tells me she's either unable to read his signals or she just doesn't care to be close and intimate with him. It also shows a lack of judgment, compassion and understanding on her part.

If the situation were reversed and he had decided he'd rather watch sports than be with his wife, I'm sure she would have been equally upset. I don't think the rules should be different for men and women in this regard. And yes, I am a woman. -- HEATHER IN KANKAKEE, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: It appears that these days couples never have time for each other. Instead, they have their "individual" priorities before their "married" priorities.

When you compare the life expectancy of women vs. men, that woman will probably have years to clean the shower by herself without worrying about her mate. -- KEN IN SULPHUR, LA.

DEAR ABBY: Men just don't get it! Women don't have on/off switches like men do. Atmosphere is very important for us. My husband enjoys "getting close" in the mornings, too -- but I usually wake up with my to-do list running in my head. It is very difficult for me to get in the mood when there's work to be done.

Obviously, the wife in that letter wasn't ready to play. Instead of getting upset, her husband should have gotten creative and helped to set her mood. -- BRENDA IN FORT WORTH

DEAR ABBY: When I started my freshman year of college, I was a loner. I had low self-esteem, the result of a disability I was born with.

On the first day of school I noticed "Will," who was also a freshman. I thought he was cute. He was easy to talk to, and we hit it off instantly. We became inseparable, often visiting each other's families on weekends and breaks.

At the end of the first semester -- out of the blue -- he called me a "b-tch" and told me to get out of his life. I was crushed! He left school shortly afterward without saying goodbye.

Later I was given some shocking news. His roommate told me that Will was gay. I went through the gamut of emotions from disbelief to anger to sadness. And I felt used.

Twenty-six years have passed. I answered the phone at work two days ago and was surprised to hear Will's voice on the other end. He was shocked, too. I asked if he remembered me and he said he did. He came into the store several days later, and we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I looked at his Web pages and saw pictures of him holding and kissing men the way he used to hold and kiss me.

They say you never forget your first, and I haven't. The problem is, I still feel hurt. I want him to know that, but I don't know what to do. Am I making too much of this? -- "GRACE" IN NEW YORK

DEAR "GRACE": No, I don't think so. Your relationship with Will ended without closure, so your hurt is understandable. Give Will a call and invite him to join you for lunch. Tell him you were deeply hurt all those years ago, and then ask him to explain why he treated you the way he did and what happened after he left the school. Don't be surprised if he tells you he loved you, too, and that he tried to be straight but simply could not be who you wanted him to be. Sometimes that happens.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away a year and a half ago. My parents were married 50 years. Dad is now 76 and recently started "seeing someone." While my sisters and I weren't thrilled about it, we never said anything negative about her to him.

A few weeks ago he found it necessary to include this woman in our weekly visit to our mother's grave. We told him if he wants to go there with her -- fine. But do not drag her there with us. This was our private time with our mother. We didn't want a stranger there.

The end result was they broke up. Now Dad is blaming it all on us. The breakup is a secondary issue. What are your thoughts about his insisting she be a part of the cemetery visits? -- GRAVELY CONCERNED IN OHIO

DEAR GRAVELY CONCERNED: Frankly, I am surprised that the woman would want to be included in the weekly visits to your mother's grave. However, before she accepted the invitation, she should have made sure that her presence wasn't an imposition by asking your father if it had been cleared with you. As to the "secondary issue" -- I suspect there was more behind the breakup than you have been led to believe.

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DEAR ABBY: During the 10 years I have been with my husband, I have called my mother-in-law "Martha." I have just learned that she has been harboring resentment about it because she hadn't given me "permission" to call her by her first name. Apparently she would like me to call her "Ms. Smith." I didn't hear it from her, but from my new sister-in-law who does call her Ms. Smith and has been instructed to continue doing so.

I don't remember our first meeting or when I started calling her Martha. I had no idea she has been offended this entire time. Now I'm not sure what to do. Should I ask her about it? We're not particularly close, and it would be an awkward conversation. My husband is no help. He thinks we're both being silly. -- THE OTHER MS. SMITH

DEAR O.M.S.: Martha appears to be not only off-putting, but also intimidating. Rather than speak her mind and make her preferences known, she nurses grievances in silence and talks behind people's backs. Your cowardly husband should admit there's a problem and try to build bridges instead of dismissing your concerns as "silly." (Does he call her "Ms. Smith," too?)

Pick up the phone and call Martha. Tell her what your sister-in-law said and calmly ask if it's true. If she says yes, ask why she didn't tell you herself years ago -- because if she had, you would have respected her wishes. Then, with a smile in your voice, assure her that "Ms. Smith" is what she'll be hearing in the future. (At least that's what you'll call her to her face.) It shouldn't cause a problem because you're not particularly close, and I assume your chats and contacts with her are infrequent.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 16 years. We have one son, age 12. While writing our wills, my husband told me that his wish is to be cremated and his ashes scattered in the ocean off the beach near where he grew up.

I'd like us to be together after we have both passed on, but his beach holds no fond memories for me. I would much prefer to be buried in our local cemetery with a headstone so our son can come to "visit" both of us. I don't want to spend eternity in a cemetery plot without my husband. Any suggestions? -- PLANNING AHEAD IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR PLANNING AHEAD: Yes, one would be that you and your spouse continue talking about this until you can reach a meeting of the minds regarding the disposition of your remains. If you can't agree, then what happens to them will be the decision of the surviving spouse.

Another thought: You are basing your preference on what your son may -- or may not -- want to do after he reaches adulthood. While many people find comfort in visiting their parents' graves, others find the idea depressive. Also, your son may wind up with a career that takes him to Texas, California, Hawaii or even farther away from the town in which he is being raised.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper letter salutation for a married couple where the husband has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery? (They were "John and Millie Jones.") -- WONDERING IN KEY WEST

DEAR WONDERING: Because the husband is no longer John Jones and is now "Linda," for example, I would address the envelope to Ms. Linda Jones and Ms. Millie Jones -- placing their names in alphabetical order. And in the salutation I would write, "Dear Linda and Millie."

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