DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old woman who has just been dumped by my 55-year-old boyfriend for a younger woman. She is 18, and if that isn't bad enough -- she's my daughter. They are now living together.

For more than a year we functioned as a family. We had regular game nights and took a family vacation together. Because of their betrayal, I have lost my daughter, my boyfriend, the two people I thought were also my best friends, and my family all at the same time. I don't know anyone who has had this happen to them, but unfortunately there must be some out there.

How do I go on? How do I maintain a relationship with my daughter when she is living with my ex-boyfriend? How do I accept what has happened without approving of it? There is so much wrong with this I'm at a loss for rules or tools to handle it. -- IN CRUSHING PAIN IN OREGON

DEAR IN CRUSHING PAIN: There ARE no "rules." And it does occasionally happen -- most famously with Mia Farrow, her adopted daughter and her longtime boyfriend Woody Allen. I believe Ms. Farrow cut off all contact with both of them.

But enough about her. You are going to have to figure out what will work best for you. Your first step should be to seek spiritual support. Sometimes, with time, comes acceptance. But right now, it is crucial that you take care of yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 19 and finally getting my life together. I have already experienced a lot emotionally and physically. I have recently started on the path to sobriety, but there are two problems. In the city where I live there is nothing to do after 10 p.m. if you're not a drunk. My friends from childhood not only do not support me but tell me I should just have a drink.

I know you should keep yourself surrounded by people who will lift you up, but these people have been my close companions for many years, and I don't think I can dismiss them that easily. Please help me. I like how my life is right now, and I need to know how to stay focused. -- DRUNK OR SOBER? IN NEW YORK

DEAR D. OR S.?: If you want to hang onto your sobriety, you are going to have to fight for it. You got off on a wrong path very early, and so did your childhood friends. But now you have an opportunity to make new ones -- the members of your sobriety program. The more time you spend with them, the less time you will have to allow yourself to be seduced into falling off the wagon.

If you're strong enough to do this, you can be a role model for some of your old drinking buddies, and some may decide to join you. But if they don't, you will have made new friends who have also made positive changes in their lives -- and that's not a bad consolation prize.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me your position on this. Are adult children supposed to take an aging mother with them on vacation? If not, what is a gentle way to say no when the parent invites herself? Please help us. -- UNSURE IN OHIO

DEAR UNSURE: I think it depends upon the relationship between the mother and "child." It also depends upon the purpose of the vacation. If a couple is going away to relax and bond more closely with each other, they do not need a third wheel -- regardless of how much they might love her. And the way to say that is, "We need some alone time, Mom. Please understand."

DEAR ABBY: I am a male in my early 20s and lucky to have several good friends and acquaintances. I'm invited to gatherings and parties pretty regularly.

I have no problem relating to people I know well. But when I have to converse with people I don't know -- the "friends of friends" -- I feel uncomfortable.

It's not that I am particularly shy. It's that I stumble and become tongue-tied when I try to talk to someone I don't know very well. The conversation lags, and I think the other person ends up feeling as uneasy as I do.

In the scheme of things, I realize this is not like some of the other serious issues I see in your column, but I believe you have mentioned becoming better in social situations before. I don't want to come across as stuck up or unfriendly, and I'm afraid that's what might be happening. Can you help? -- DIALOGUE-DEFICIENT IN ST. PAUL

DEAR DIALOGUE-DEFICIENT: The phrase "seek and ye shall find" is one I heard years ago. It stuck in my memory because it can be applied to so many different things.

It applies in your situation because, believe it or not, when it comes to making conversation, being a good listener will do more for you than being a good talker.

If you want to make a hit with people, show an interest by asking them questions about themselves. People enjoy talking about themselves and what they're into. Give them a chance, and they'll think you're a great conversationalist.

Just remember to be tactful, discreet and not too personal. Example: Do not ask someone you've just met how much he or she paid for something, or whether the person always drinks as much as it appears he or she has that evening.

Be generous with compliments, but be sure they're sincere. Most people can spot a brown-noser within five minutes.

Stay informed about current events. The more you know about what's going on in the world, the better company you'll be. Read the news and editorials and -- of course -- Dear Abby.

These commonsense suggestions and more are contained in my booklet "How to Be Popular." It can be ordered by sending your name and mailing address, plus a check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

But before I finish with this subject, a word of warning: Don't be a know-it-all. People who come on like they're an authority on everything are about as welcome as a skunk at a garden party. They make those of us who are just average feel insecure and uncomfortable.

And when you talk to someone, look that person in the eye. If you're constantly looking over his or her shoulder, the person will think you're looking for other company. This happened to me when I was introduced to a man who was running for office, and needless to say, the man didn't get my vote.

DEAR ABBY: "J.J. in South Carolina" (July 12) is dating a man whom she suspects cannot read. My grandfather is illiterate, and he's the smartest man I know.

He and Grandma have successfully operated their own business for over 40 years. Papa can read and draw blueprints. He can also complete a mathematical equation before I can punch it into my calculator. He "invents" and builds all kinds of gadgets that make life easier for us.

Papa had only a second-grade education. As the oldest of 11 children, he worked in the fields to help support his family. My grandparents, married for 51 years, are the glue that holds our family together. Papa is intelligent, self-educated through years of hard work and life experience -- as well as kind and generous.

I hope J.J. will give John a chance. At this point in his life, being able to read shouldn't be an issue. If J.J. can open her heart and let him in, it may be the best decision she ever made in her life. -- PROUD GRANDDAUGHTER IN ALABAMA

DEAR PROUD GRANDDAUGHTER: Your grandfather is a fine example of someone who developed coping skills and succeeded despite his lack of formal education. You have every right to be proud. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a master's degree and a teaching credential. My husband could neither read nor write. He was always the one to fix things or called upon to help out. He could assemble anything without reading the instructions because he was smart and capable. He had many friends and never had a negative word to say about anyone. He was a wonderful husband, a devoted father, and no one ever considered him "illiterate."

J.J. should rethink her priorities, or let this man go so he can meet someone who will appreciate him for who he is. -- R.B. IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Illiteracy is a far larger problem in this country than most people realize. It keeps folks from enjoying life fully. Can you imagine not being able to read your child a bedtime story? What if you can't read street signs or write a check?

There are literacy councils in most communities that provide free, effective tutoring for adults who want to improve their reading and writing skills. Your local literacy council may be a solution if you want to raise the quality of life for someone you love. -- CHANGING THE WORLD ONE WORD AT A TIME

DEAR ABBY: The ability to read proficiently is not a sign of superior intelligence. I am impressed by the things my husband, daughter and many of my students CAN do. Reading may not be their strength, but they are gifted in many other ways. Reading can be beneficial, but knowing that someone loves them just the way they are is equally important. -- AN EDUCATOR IN MERIDEN, KAN.

DEAR ABBY: My mother met a man at a Parents Without Partners dance and fell in love. She has a Ph.D. in special education; he was an electrician. He was dyslexic, and no one knew how to teach him to read when he was young. He apprenticed under a master electrician to learn his trade.

Mom always thought she had to marry an intellectual equal, but after meeting my stepfather, she decided she'd rather be with someone sweet and kind who adored her. After they married, she found someone who specialized in teaching adults with dyslexia. One of my stepdad's proudest moments was the first time he didn't have to pretend he had left his reading glasses at home to order from a menu.

He and Mom were married for 15 years until his death. He had a kind heart, was devoted to Mom and they were very happy together. -- LOVED MY STEPDAD