DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Alone But Happy in Canada" (July 12), who feels guilty because she feels relieved following the death of her husband from a long, difficult illness.

Everyone grieves differently, but I don't think grieving a loved one's loss BEFORE his or her death is uncommon. I've known several people who watched loved ones wither away into helpless, needy and miserable individuals. I can't think of one who didn't feel the same as "Alone But Happy."

I have begun referring to it as "grieve-as-you-go guilt." A person grieves through the decline and eventual demise of a beloved mate, and when she fails to feel sadness, she substitutes guilt where she believes her grief should be. But actually she has been grieving all along, and needs to acknowledge that fact. Only then will she be able to enjoy not only her clean house, but her clear conscience as well. -- AZY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR AZY: You have keen insight. Other readers wrote wanting to offer reassurance to "Alone But Happy." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Alone" was appreciated by all caregivers, I'm sure. Nobody knows, unless they have walked that particular path, how difficult and lonely it is to watch a spouse disappear over a long time, losing the history you share together, making hard decisions alone, and rebuilding an identity not tied to the past. Every morning brings a new bout of grief from the moment of wakening -- every day another day you don't want to face.

Keeping healthy and planning ahead for yourself, not as a caregiver but as a participant in the "real world," is the only way to maintain sanity sometimes. Though I love my husband dearly, I look forward to having a life again that is not centered on his disease. No one should be made to feel guilty for restarting life when he or she has given so much. -- DAY AT A TIME

DEAR ABBY: I also lost my husband of 35 years just a month ago. He endured several years of health problems and as his caregiver, I, too, felt a great sense of relief with his passing. I do not, however, feel guilty about it.

I realize that I have been grieving for several years already, as I knew this time would be coming. In many ways it is as if I am in the final stage of the process even though my husband's death has only just occurred.

Our son put it best when he said at my husband's bedside, "I lost my dad several years ago, but my father died tonight." He, too, understands that his grief began a long time ago. -- MOVING FORWARD

DEAR ABBY: Having to put another person's needs and wants before one's own can be very stressful. Not everyone is able to do that and stay pleasant and patient at all times. Fortunately, I found a local caregivers' support group. Our weekly meetings help us see that we are not alone in experiencing the trials and tribulations of family caregiving.

For those who are laboring to do their best for their sick or disabled loved ones, let me suggest they find a Senior Information and Assistance office in their area. Another resource is the National Family Caregivers Association (www.thefamilycaregiver.org; phone (800) 896-3650). These may be helpful in allowing caregivers mental and physical relief by connecting them with hourly in-home care services.

It is important that people experiencing this kind of stress get respite time to themselves, away from their care recipient, in order to be able to keep on helping them. -- ONE OF THE MANY

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DEAR ABBY: For 15 years I was a happily married homemaker with a wonderful husband. "Duncan" and I attended church together, frolicked through the fields, even exterminated rodents together. He was my best friend. It was bliss.

Last year I found out my father had had an affair with Duncan's mother the year I was born, which makes him my half-brother! The news was too much for my husband. He had a fatal heart attack not long after.

What should I put on his gravestone -- "Loving Brother" or "Loving Husband"? -- GRIEVING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR GRIEVING: Neither. How about "He was 'Everything' to me"? That should about cover it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a relationship with a man I met online who lives out of state. He has been to see me a dozen times over the last three years. We say we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. But over the last 18 months I have realized we have NOTHING in common -- and our views on life, policy and politics are completely opposite.

For three years we have talked every single day, mostly about how much we love each other. It's when we try to have a real conversation we start to disagree. He says we're entitled to our own opinions, and I agree, but I can't help but wonder what kind of future we could have together when we cannot discuss anything but how we feel about each other. -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN ANAHEIM

DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: It's a shame you two can't spend some extended time together because the answer to your question would become evident. From where I sit, I think there would be conflict on a daily basis regardless of how much you "love" each other. I put the word love in quotes because love is something that grows from mutual respect, and I'm not sure how long you would remain mutually respectful in light of the fact your worldviews are completely different.

DEAR ABBY: My father died two years ago and asked that I administer my mother's finances. She has now burned through two-thirds of the savings he left her, and she refuses to accept any advice I have tried to give her about her spending.

I have told my mother repeatedly that I do not have the resources to take care of her when she runs out of money. I know she assumes that I will because she is my mother.

How do I deal with a parent who is narcissistic and out of touch with reality? I have told her I'll gladly hand over her finances to my brother, but she doesn't want him to get involved. I have asked him for advice, but he won't respond.

Do I just let her go through everything and struggle in the end, or stick to my guns? After all, it's her money and I can't refuse to make it available to her. Please advise. -- MOTHER'S KEEPER IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR MOTHER'S KEEPER: I suspect your brother is acting the way he is because he's miffed at not being asked to handle the finances to begin with, or he simply wants to stay out of it. But you cannot allow your mother to continue spending her inheritance at the rate she is. Consult the attorney who drafted your father's will and ask if there's a way to not only put the brakes on her, but also take some of the responsibility off your shoulders.

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DEAR ABBY: "Ingmar" and I have been married -- on and off-- for 12 years. We have married each other twice. Ingmar loves "big" women.

The last time we separated was three years ago, after I lost 105 pounds. I lost the weight because my doctor said I had to for health reasons. When I first met Ingmar, I let him know my large size was not normal for me and was a result of some medications I was on.

After my weight started dropping, Ingmar told me I "grossed him out" and I was starting to resemble a "little girl." We have had no physical contact in four years, and we sleep in separate rooms. He often goes off by himself for two or three days at a time. I know he isn't involved with another woman because he can't do anything anymore and he's not willing to fix it.

I feel like a roommate instead of a wife. We don't eat together, watch TV together or kiss anymore. Although I care for my husband, I'm not in love with him anymore. But I'm scared of going out in the "dating world" again. I'm 46 and no longer a "spring chicken," but I crave affection. What do I do? -- AT A CROSSROADS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: The dating world is no lonelier than the one you're living in now -- but at least in the dating world there is hope that you'll connect with someone.

Your husband is punishing you for something that isn't your fault. The fact that he "can't do anything anymore" with you doesn't guarantee that he can't do something with someone else. Offer Ingmar the option of marriage counseling to see if he's capable of an attitude adjustment. But if he's not, recognize that even though you may no longer be a pullet, your best chance at happiness might be to fly the coop.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Daisy," had some really bad relationships in the past and held on to them far too long. At 33, she finally met a man, "Melvin," who was good to her and fun to be with. We were relieved that she had finally made a right choice.

Melvin was divorced with a son. He told Daisy he was a police officer who retired early because of the stress, and regaled her with stories about the many outrageous incidents he's been involved in. They married and now have a new baby. Daisy is happy, loves being a wife and mother, and we were pleased that she has what she always wanted.

My husband and I became suspicious about some of Melvin's stories about the wild and crazy situations that had happened to him on a daily basis. In them, he was always defending helpless people against brutal attackers, saving people in imminent danger, and he was always the hero. My husband decided to check out Melvin's claim of having been a cop. We were shocked and sickened to learn that he never was. All of his stories are lies.

I want to tell Daisy, but I'm not sure how or when. They live in another state, far from us. I don't want to expose him while she is not near us. It will crush her. But our daughter is married to a stranger! Everything Melvin told her about himself is a lie. How should we handle this? -- HEARTBROKEN MOM

DEAR MOM: First of all, your husband should finish what he started. If Melvin wasn't a police officer, what was he? Is he really divorced? How many times? Is his name really Melvin? Has he done time?

Once you have accurate information, you and your husband should pay your daughter a visit -- proof in hand. How she chooses to handle things from then on will be her decision. But from where I sit, she could qualify for an annulment because whoever her husband is, he married her under false pretenses.

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