DEAR ABBY: I have become alarmed by my mother's recent habit of "Googling" people. She digs up things about my friends and calls to report them to me. The list of those she has researched on the Internet ranges from friends I haven't talked to in years, to an ex-boyfriend of hers against whom she filed a restraining order.

This isn't the first time she has searched for information on people. I find it downright creepy. She claims she's doing it to "protect her daughters from Internet stalkers." But the problem is, SHE'S the one stalking people on the Internet. Often they aren't even people she knows well or was ever friends with.

I'm concerned that this could lead to greater degrees of paranoia and controlling behavior -- to which she is prone -- and I am only seeing a small part of a much bigger problem. What do I do? -- ALARMED IN ATLANTA

DEAR ALARMED: You can't stop your mother from trolling the Internet, which contains enormous amounts of information on just about everybody. You can, however, stop your mother from trying to control your life by "sharing" the results of her searches.

The most direct way to do it would be to tell her when she calls with her latest "news flash" that you're not interested and don't want to hear it. If she persists, tell her you're too busy to talk right now and get off the phone. Your mother may be paranoid, but she can only be controlling if you allow it.

DEAR ABBY: I met the most amazing guy. He's in grad school, has a job, his own home, loves music, movies and good food -- he can even cook.

We exchanged phone numbers, and I was excited about finally meeting a man who could be "the one." And then he casually dropped a bomb on me: He told me he has herpes. I thought he was kidding, but he said: "I live stress-free, so I never break out. Herpes is no big deal."

He left voicemails asking if we can go out on a date soon, and I had to tell him I just couldn't date someone with herpes. My male friends support me, so why do I feel so guilty about this? Is it wrong of me not to date someone because of his STD status? -- FEELING MISERABLE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR FEELING MISERABLE: I don't think so. And it was OK to be honest about your feelings, so stop feeling guilty. While herpes isn't life-threatening, it is NOT "no big deal." And while the young man in your letter may "never break out," the virus is shed all the time. That's how the disease is spread, and it is widespread. If you need more information, I recommend you discuss this with your OB/GYN or visit the Web site of ASHA (American Social Health Association) at www.ashastd.org.

DEAR ABBY: After we laid my mother-in-law to rest, my wife discovered a box of letters her parents had written to each other. Her father was stationed overseas during WWII.

My wife is agonizing over whether to read them or destroy them. Because her mother's passing was unexpected, no instructions were made. Should my wife read them as a way to share the experiences of my in-laws' love for each other or consider them so private they are inviolable? -- STUCK FOR AN ANSWER IN OHIO

DEAR STUCK: Reading them might give your wife new insight into her parents, the challenges they faced and an opportunity to view them in the bloom of their youth. They could also be historically significant. That said, however, if she thinks her mother would have preferred that the letters be destroyed, she should follow her conscience.

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DEAR ABBY: My sister "Tricia's" daughters, ages 5 and 7, are my only nieces. A few weeks ago, I sent the 7-year-old a gift for her birthday. When I didn't get a response, I called my sister to ask if it had arrived. Tricia said, "Oh, yeah, we got it. We've been busy and so we didn't open it. We'll get to it someday." I felt terrible knowing my niece didn't get the gift on her birthday and didn't know I had remembered her.

I have since learned that my nieces weren't given the gifts I sent last Christmas, either, which explains why I didn't receive thank-you notes. Tricia told me her girls get lots of presents so she limits when they can have them. She gives them as rewards or saves them for rainy days.

The younger daughter's birthday is coming up, and now I'm wondering what to do. I don't want to spend the time or money picking out something she may never see. Should I just send a card? Or call to wish her a happy birthday?

My sister is generous with my kids. They open the gifts right away and send thank-you notes. How do I reciprocate? -- HURT IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR HURT: By intercepting your gifts and presenting them as "rewards" or "saving them for a rainy day," your sister is defeating their purpose and may be taking the credit that should be going to you. Your nieces should absolutely know that you think of them on their birthdays and other holidays.

By all means call them and send cards. And start contributing to a college fund for them. Although they may not appreciate right now what a thoughtful gift you are giving them, I guarantee they will in the future.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good relationship with my 84-year-old mother, but it's difficult to spend time with her because during the past year she has started hitting me. She does not appear to be angry when she does it. She'll do it if I say something she thinks is funny, when I do something nice or for no reason at all.

It hurts me physically and emotionally when she hits me. I have asked her repeatedly to please not do it, but she persists. I wasn't abused as a child, so I don't understand what's going on. Any ideas? -- BRUISED IN SPRINGFIELD

DEAR BRUISED: I have a suspicion. I have written before that any significant change in a senior's behavior or personality should be reported to his or her doctor. Your mother may need to be physically and neurologically evaluated because it's possible that she doesn't remember that you have asked her not to hit you. My advice is to have your mother checked out, and if I'm right, you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is divorced from my grandson "Cody's" father, "Mitch." Cody is only 8, and when Mitch makes plans with him and then doesn't show up or even bother to call, of course Cody is sad.

I can't stand to see my grandson hurt over and over again. How can I help him get through these difficult times? -- PROTECTIVE NANA IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR PROTECTIVE NANA: It isn't possible to shield your grandson entirely from his father's neglect. However, you might lessen his disappointment by making alternative plans to do something with him if his father is a no-show. And if Cody has uncles, a grandfather or other male influences in his life, perhaps they could step up to the plate on some of those occasions when his father strikes out.

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DEAR ABBY: During my visitations at my dad's, I share a room with my stepsisters. They have made it clear they resent having to share their room with me, even though I have no choice about it.

They play the choking game with some of their friends. When I refuse to participate, they put me down and call me chicken, but I'm not about to do something so dangerous.

They have told me I'd better "mind my own business" and not say anything to their mom about it. I'm afraid if I do -- and I get them into trouble -- they'll resent me more and make things even more difficult for me.

On the other hand, I'd feel really guilty if I stay silent and something terrible happened to one or both of them. Should I tell their mom, even if it causes problems for me? -- SEATTLE STEPSISTER

DEAR STEPSISTER: I think you should tell your mother, and let her tell your father and his wife. The "choking game" isn't a game; it's extremely dangerous. It destroys brain cells and has been known to kill people. The practice can also be addictive, and when people do it alone and lose consciousness for the last time, the deaths are sometimes mistaken as suicides.

DEAR ABBY: My oldest sister has just married a very nice man. (It's her second marriage.) My only problem is that "Norman" is a taxidermist. Going to their home frightens my daughter and makes me feel, frankly, a bit nauseous. I have avoided going there since the first time, but have been getting questions from family about why I keep turning down invitations.

How do I answer these questions without hurting my sister's feelings? She's a great sister, and I really like Norman. But their house gives me and my animal-loving daughter nightmares. Please help. -- CREEPED OUT IN ARIZONA

DEAR CREEPED OUT: Be honest, but be gentle. Tell your sister that you love her and think her new husband is terrific, but the stuffed animals (etc.) make you uncomfortable. Make sure she knows that when she's having a barbecue or a swimming party (thank God you live in a state with a mild climate), you'd love to come over. But you're not up to another trip through the gallery of the living dead because it gave your daughter nightmares.

DEAR ABBY: I married a caring, thoughtful man who is also a loving father. My problem is my father-in-law, who constantly "reminds" me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to his son and that there is no way my husband would be successful if it weren't for my influence in his life.

While I'm happy to have my father-in-law's approval, it makes me uncomfortable, and it's hurtful to my husband. My husband was not a wild child in his youth, so I don't know why Dad feels my husband would be a failure if not for me. My husband is a wonderful man on his OWN merits, not mine, and the implication is insulting. How can I help my father-in-law see this? -- MARRIED TO A GREAT GUY

DEAR MARRIED: The next time your father-in-law "compliments" you by insulting your husband, look him in the eye and nail him. One way to do that would be to say, "Exactly what do you mean by that, Dad, because I find the implication insulting." I predict he will squirm. And when he's done hemming and hawing, tell him his son is the ideal man for you, you feel lucky to have him, and you don't appreciate it when someone who is supposed to love him doesn't give him credit for all that he has accomplished.

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