DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Jenny's" husband died four years ago. They had been married 28 years, and she has grieved hard for him. She has been looking for a relationship because she wants a man in her life.

Three months ago, she ran into a married man she knew through her former job. (I'll call him "George.") They were casual acquaintances, but when George learned she was a widow he immediately asked for her phone number. He called the next day, they talked, he visited her at her home, and they had unprotected sex. They now see each other once or twice a week and have sex. That's all they do. Jenny says she's in love with him. She talks about him constantly and says she's very happy.

My husband and I were at a club the other night and saw George in the company of another woman. I haven't told Jenny because she doesn't want to be told if her man is cheating on her. She says that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I disagree. If he's having unprotected sex with her, it's probably the same with the other woman. George appears to be a player and Jenny has blinders on. I'm worried about her.

I don't want to ruin our friendship. We love each other like sisters. But I hate seeing her used like this. What should I do? My husband says leave it alone -- she'll find out anyway. -- DISMAYED IN DALLAS

DEAR DISMAYED: When someone tells you she doesn't want to know if her man is cheating on her and what she doesn't know won't hurt her, take it from me, she already knows he probably is. And by the way, George isn't "her" man -- he is his wife's man. How do you know he wasn't with his wife that night at the club?

You may love Jenny like a sister, but you can't save her. Your husband is right. Leave it alone.

DEAR ABBY: I work for a small company where I'm one of 12 employees under one manager. My boss, "Debbie," is having problems at home. Almost daily, she brings her not-so-sunny outlook to the office and proceeds to drag everyone else down.

Any time a colleague has something positive to share, Debbie finds a way to negate it. If someone mentions it's nice weather, she'll complain about how much yard work she needs to do and the disastrous effects of global warming. She even complained that a pregnant co-worker's impending maternity leave will be "inconvenient."

The woman thrives on negativity, chaos and stress. She even complains about happy times of the year like summer vacations and holidays because we tend to be busier. (Isn't that a good thing considering the economic climate?)

Our office is small, so there's no escaping her. If she's not complaining to us, she's telling the same sob stories to a client on the phone. What can my co-workers and I do to keep from being dragged down with her? -- WORKING FOR "DEBBIE DOWNER INC."

DEAR WORKING: You and your co-workers should talk to your employer as a group because "Debbie's" behavior is neither professional nor conducive to a healthy working environment. Your boss should also be told that she is sharing her "sob stories" with clients, because it could cost him business.

Debbie may or may not need psychological counseling, but she definitely needs to be "counseled" about leaving her personal problems at the door when she enters the work environment. And the person to stress that to her is HER boss.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I was thrilled to read "Sober in Scottsdale's" (July 28) letter about drinking. I'm a 21-year-old college student who has also struggled with choosing to be sober amidst the majority of my drunken peers. Most people my age drink only to get drunk and appear to be unable to have fun without the aid of alcohol. Every activity must be performed under the influence.

While at a nightclub, one friend asked me how I was able to "dance and have a good time without being drunk."

Abby, in your response to "Sober," you said that drinkers should "mind their own business" because "there is usually a good reason why a person doesn't drink." For me, there is no medical, metabolic or addiction problem that prevents me from consuming alcohol. But I have seen the effects it has on my peers -- putting them in drunken stupors, using awful judgment, and being taken to the hospital after blacking out.

I left the college of my choice after one month because I could no longer stand hearing people in the bathroom vomiting all night long. Drinkers aren't ashamed of these displays. They brag about them to their friends the next day.

I sure hope this stage is one that will pass with age. I often long for the days when I was younger, when playing board games and sipping juice was considered a good time. -- NOT DRINKING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NOT DRINKING: Apparently binge drinking is still a rite of passage for some college students. I would like to address one comment you made in your letter. With some young people, binge drinking is a phase that passes as they learn their limit -- but with others it can be a pattern that begins in their teens and sometimes even younger. Read on for more comments from readers who feel as you do:

DEAR ABBY: I chose to be a non-drinker when my children became teenagers. I wanted to show them that I could have a good time without drinking, and I think it was an important lesson.

Parents need to seriously consider the messages they convey. I'm shocked that some allow underage drinking in their homes. One mother who had a party in her home told me the kids were drinking there for the "learning experience." I got so annoyed I asked her if she was also providing hookers, since many of the teens were probably sexually inexperienced too. She didn't know what to say. -- VENTING IN SOUTH WINDSOR, CONN.

DEAR ABBY: You said there's usually a good reason why a person doesn't drink. Can't it just be my choice? I'm not an alcoholic, and I don't take medication that alcohol would react adversely with. I enjoy an occasional glass of wine or other alcoholic beverage, but I do not need to drink in order to have a good time. And there is nothing "wrong" with me if I choose to refrain from indulging. More people should make the same choice. -- CHERYL IN MADISON, ALA.

DEAR ABBY: I choose not to drink so I can be the designated driver should the need arise. My dad was a member of AA. And, quite frankly, I'd rather use my calories on cake than a drink. -- DESIGNATED DRIVER, CEDAR PARK, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: Why should a person need a reason not to drink? The question that should be asked is, "Why are these people drinking?" Personally, I'm with "Scottsdale." I don't like the taste of alcohol, don't like the effects and, more important, I don't like the death statistics associated with drinkers and those unfortunates who end up in their paths. -- DONNA IN LAKE CITY, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: When our first grandchild was born, my son, "Vic," and his wife bought the first video camera in the family. I often asked them to bring it to family get-togethers, and to help out, I purchased dozens of long-running, high-quality tapes.

We didn't buy a lot of toys for the kids. We made memories instead -- a trip to the circus, renting out the roller rink for the entire family, and holding "sports championships" in our yard. All of the fun was captured on tape. Our family grew, babies became teenagers, and we had a growing pile of tapes.

Two years ago, my husband died unexpectedly. I felt as though my life had been torn to shreds. I was slow getting over the shock.

Recently I finally felt strong enough to watch the tapes again. ("Grandpa" was always in the middle of the action.) When I asked Vic to bring them over, his response was, "Mom, we don't have those videos anymore. We taped Junior's softball games over them." I said, "How could you?!" He replied, "Get over it, Mom! It's all in the past."

I was so angry, I walked out. I haven't called them since, and they haven't contacted me. I am so hurt. How could anyone have so little feeling? -- RE-RECORDED IN MIAMI

DEAR RE-RECORDED: Your son's response was brutal. He owes you an apology for his rudeness and insensitivity, but he's right about one thing -- the tapes are gone. He was put on the defensive, and that's why he tried to dismiss your feelings. Obviously, he thought the family would go on forever just as it was. That's why he didn't think it was important to preserve the videotaped family album. Of course, by sacrificing the past for the present, he ultimately cheated his own family and any siblings of his generation who might be interested in sharing the family history.

Fortunately, you have many happy memories in your heart of your happy marriage and the experience of raising your family. And no one can ever take those away from you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married two years to a wonderful man, but we're having problems in the bedroom. Both of us are very uncomfortable talking about our feelings, especially when it comes to sex, and I just can't explain to him what I want him to do and vice versa.

I have tried many times to say things indirectly but have never been successful. I can't talk to him directly because I am very embarrassed. This has started to destroy our marriage, and now we generally prefer to sleep alone so that we don't have to have sex. -- S.O.S. IN THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR S.O.S.: If you want to save your marriage, you will need the assistance of an "interpreter" so you and your husband can communicate more fully. Please talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to a licensed, experienced sex therapist. (Because you find the topic of sex embarrassing to discuss, I recommend you consult a woman.)

Believe me, you are not the only couple to have this problem. In fact, so many others do that sex therapy is a specialty unto itself.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)