DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Luke," died young due to drug addiction. When our son, "Adam," misbehaves, my husband blames me. He says Adam is going to end up "just like Luke," and it will be my fault.

My mother bailed my brother out of his problems, but I have never done that with our son. I have told my husband numerous times how cruel it is to suggest Adam could end up like Luke, but he continues to say it and then "remind" me if it happens, it will be because of me.

My husband is a wonderful man in every other way, but he doesn't seem to realize how hurtful and unnecessary his cruel words are when he compares our son to my brother. -- SAD MOM IN TEXAS

DEAR SAD MOM: Wake up and smell the coffee. Your husband realizes exactly how cruel that comparison is, and has since the first time you expressed how deeply hurtful it was. I see nothing helpful or constructive about comparing your son to a boy who died too young and too soon. If it's said in front of Adam often, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. (Nothing like the power of suggestion.)

So stop feeling victimized and demand that your "wonderful" husband cut it out, because if something should happen, the fault will be HIS.

DEAR ABBY: I work at a school as an educational assistant. There are fewer than 100 kids in the entire high school, and I have gotten to know them all. When I go around the small neighborhoods trick-or-treating with my little ones, I see the high school kids in their costumes as well. They are well-behaved and having a good time.

Some of the teachers say the kids are too old to be trick-or-treating and they should "get a life." Well, their "life" is this small town, and I see nothing wrong with them participating in a good time along with the younger ones. They're not causing trouble. There is very little for them to do outside of school and sports, and Halloween is an opportunity for them to have fun.

What's your opinion? Are high school-age children too old to trick-or-treat? -- CONCERNED FOR THE KIDS

DEAR CONCERNED: I see nothing wrong with the high school kids dressing up and having a good time trick-or-treating on Halloween. The teachers who feel the kids are too old should be less critical. A positive -- and age-appropriate -- alternative would be for the school to arrange a party or a dance that evening. Considering the fact that it's a small town and the student body is small, it should be manageable.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are Civil War re-enactors. (My husband is a cannon soldier and I am a nurse re-enactor.) We would greatly appreciate it if you would remind your readers that if they come to any of the re-enactments to please not talk to the participants while they are firing weapons in "battle" because it could distract them. Something could go wrong and they could be badly injured. Thank you, Abby. -- CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTOR IN ELMIRA, N.Y.

DEAR RE-ENACTOR: I'm pleased to pass along your important reminder. It would be a shame if someone became a casualty of a war that ended in 1865. People who attend a war re-enactment should realize they are watching a performance, and not participating in "history."

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Harvey," and I have operated a home-based business for more than 20 years. Harvey is an amazing technician, extremely efficient with his time on the job. The problem is, he is always in a hurry to get to the next job.

I receive calls from angry motorists complaining that "the driver of one of our trucks" cut them off, yelled at them or flipped them off in traffic. When I receive one of these calls I say, "Thank you for calling. I'll be sure to speak to the appropriate driver about the incident."

Harvey feels I should support him by telling the caller it was probably his own fault for talking on a cell phone, driving too slow or cutting him off. I have no doubt that some of these motorists actually do those things, but my husband is driving around with his phone number on his truck and they're not. When I mention the complaints, he wants to call them back using caller ID.

Am I handling this appropriately? I don't feel I should reprimand someone for bad driving if I wasn't present when something happened, nor do I want anyone to know it was my husband -- the owner of the business -- who flipped them off. Harvey is angry at me because I'm "not supporting" him. Any suggestions? -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE

DEAR BETWEEN: Harvey may be a great technician, but it appears he's a little short on common sense and good manners. I see no reason why you should defend him. His behavior is not only childish but also dangerous. Because other motorists are actually calling to report his erratic driving, it's a pretty good indication that your husband is an accident waiting to happen.

It's time you mentioned to him that what he's doing is also bad for business. Those he offends in traffic are not likely to say a kind word about the business he's advertising on his truck.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Adrian," and I have been married five years, but there is something looming in our future that both of us dread -- our parents' old age. Adrian is an only child. I have one sister, but when it comes to caring for our parents, I might as well be an only child.

Adrian's parents live month-to-month on Social Security and pension checks. If they ever have any extra money, they don't save it. They buy each other expensive gifts and eat out. Neither one of them is in good health, and the day will come when they won't be able to care for themselves or each other, and I know they'll expect us to do it.

My parents are about the same, except they're banking on an inheritance to see them through retirement. That money may or may not be enough, considering how long people live now. My grandparents were frugal. They saved and were determined not to be a burden on their children.

Our parents think it's our duty to care for them. His parents are in their late 60s, and we have young children. We cringe at the idea that after all our hard work we'll go from caring for our children to caring for our parents with no time for ourselves. -- AFRAID FOR THE FUTURE IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR AFRAID: No one can foresee the future, so stop ruining the present by obsessing about what "might" happen. You say your in-laws are not in good health? One or both of them could die before they become completely dependent on you and your husband. The same is true for your parents. Forgive me if this seems cold, but it happens to be the truth.

WHEN THEY LET THEM CHEAT

DEAR ABBY: I was raised from an early age that if you play a game, you have to play fair and obey the rules. Those rules were never bent regardless of what the game was or who we played with.

Over the years I have played games with many people, and while I realize it's possible for people to play the same game slightly differently, the rules still applied. What I don't understand is cheating.

A couple I know allow their children to play games with adults and let them cheat. What they're doing is obvious, and their parents even joke about it. I no longer enjoy playing with this family, but I don't know what to do or say. I have tried to subtly discourage and stop the deceptions, but I don't want to seem like a sore loser. Any suggestions? -- PLAYS BY THE RULES, URBANA, OHIO

DEAR PLAYS BY THE RULES: Yes. Do not play games with the family if the children are involved. It's not about being a sore loser; it's about not being a chump. By allowing their children to ignore the "rules," these parents are sending the message that rules don't apply to them. Because the children cheat when they play with you, it's safe to assume that they think it's acceptable to do it with other kids. And when their contemporaries realize what's going on, who do you think won't be allowed to join their games -- or anything else? Look at it this way: From little cheaters, big cheaters grow.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has just informed me that she doesn't think it is as important for her daughters to attend college as it is her sons.

My mother-in-law recently made a crack about my finances because she knows I'm paying off my student loans for two degrees.

My father-in-law can't understand what "all the fuss is about" now that my oldest daughter is preparing for college.

Abby, I have friends in their 30s and 40s who, for one reason or another, are single women supporting themselves. Even some who have degrees are struggling, but they are able to own their own homes because they are able to earn decent salaries.

What should I say when my mother-in-law and sister-in-law put me down for higher learning? Neither of them went to college or has ever worked. They would be on welfare if they didn't have their husbands' income. By the way, I'm not having any problem paying back my student loans, and my husband is proud of my accomplishments. -- EDUCATED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR EDUCATED: Your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are misguided. They do not understand the financial realities that exist for women today because they have never been exposed to them. Nothing that you can say to them will change their mind-set.

So rather than respond to their naive comments, take every opportunity to encourage your nieces to pursue their educations so they can live independent lives. And pray that your father-in-law and brother-in-law leave their wives well-provided-for should tragedy strike, because otherwise they could wind up on your doorstep.