DEAR ABBY: How do you explain to a man how uncomfortable hot flashes are? I'm a perimenopausal woman who has been married for 12 years to a sweet husband who loves to "snuggle." But when I'm having a hot flash, the last thing I want is a warm body touching me. My husband thinks I'm "mean" and that I'm one of those "freaky females."

How can I make him understand that hot flashes happen, and that it should be OK for me to ask for some space until the feeling passes? -- HOT FLASH HILDA

DEAR HILDA: Start with the basics. Tell him (if he hasn't already noticed) that when a woman experiences a hot flash, her skin suddenly feels intensely warm and she often begins to perspire -- sometimes profusely. The feeling of heat can be so strong that some women suddenly remove their jackets, and others also feel an overwhelming urge to remove their jewelry. Fortunately, the feeling usually passes within a few minutes.

If your husband doesn't get the message, then preheat your oven to 450 degrees for 15 minutes, open the door and ask him to lean in. Ladies, have you anything to add?

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 80s. For many years we used to entertain during the holidays. Now we wonder where all our former guests have disappeared to.

Our annual parties grew to include more than 80 friends. Dinner was prepared by a chef; we had a bartender and a pianist. People said they looked forward to those gatherings year after year.

We never expected anyone to entertain us in the same way, yet even being asked out for hamburgers would have been such a treat. Very few reciprocated in any way except to bring a few bottles of wine. We miss them and wonder if people realize that a simple get-together is always appreciated. -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT, SPARKS, NEV.

DEAR FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Some of the guests you entertained so beautifully may have been intimidated because it was done on such a grand scale. But if my mail is any indication, it also appears many people have "forgotten" that there is a social obligation that goes with accepting invitations, and that the guests must reciprocate with an invitation of some sort in return.

DEAR ABBY: I work at a public library and live not far from where I work. A lot of people who use the library live in my apartment building and I run into them often. These people never hesitate to stop me when I'm clearly off the clock to ask me a slew of library questions.

I confess I'm a bit of a doormat, and I'm afraid to ask them to leave me alone. Is there a way to tell those people to quit harassing me when I'm not working? I'd feel so much better about myself if I learned how. -- THE ANSWER LADY

DEAR ANSWER LADY: Look the person in the eye and say, "That may take some researching, but I'll be glad to answer that when I'm at the library. Ask me then."

However, if you can't find the courage to say this, then what you need more than an answer from an advice columnist is assertiveness training. A psychologist can give you a referral or some pointers.

DEAR ABBY: "Afraid for the Future in San Antonio, Texas" (Oct. 25), expressed concerns about having to provide care for her aging parents and in-laws. While the sentiments you conveyed were true, your answer didn't go far enough.

"Afraid's" concerns are legitimate. While ill and elderly parents may die quickly, it's also entirely possible that they won't. People are living longer and prolonging life by any means, so the problem of long-term care and the financial and emotional burdens placed on adult children are very real.

"Afraid" and her husband need to have an honest conversation with both sets of parents about the level of help they are willing to offer. They should also research resources with their state's Department on Aging and check into supportive living facilities that accept Medicare. The preparation they do in advance will go a long way toward making their parents' elder years easier for everyone. -- LAURA IN MONTGOMERY, ILL.

DEAR LAURA: You're right. Crossing one's fingers and thinking positive does not go far enough. Thank you for offering a pragmatic approach to "Afraid's" dilemma. You were among many readers who shared helpful experiences and resources. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I found a lovely assisted living facility for my parents when they were unable to care for themselves. They had a private one-bedroom apartment, and Medicaid paid for most of it. The facility had medical aides and a nurse, social activities, three meals a day plus snacks if they wished, with transportation included.

After Dad died in 2007, Mom stayed on, surrounded by friends her own age. She keeps busy with life enrichment activities. "Afraid" should check with her state's senior services for help. -- GAIL IN ASHLAND, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: It is never too late to prepare for the future. That young couple should INSIST their parents see an elder care attorney NOW. This is a serious issue, and they should not risk the future of their marriage or children because their parents were selfish or ignorant. Everyone will be better off if they make an effort to educate themselves and their parents today. -- BURDENED DAUGHTER IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: A more proactive response would have been to encourage "Afraid" to seek information on nursing and elder care options, including free-care funds through larger nursing centers. Then she and her husband should discuss their concerns, rather than ignore them. They may find greater peace once they know all the options. -- TRYING TO HELP IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: All parties need to sit down and have a frank discussion about what the financial expectations are and what will happen if their money runs out. "Afraid" and her husband should have their parents speak to a financial adviser, who can give them a realistic picture of what their life will be like unless they make provisions now. If they cannot have their parents move in with them, that fact needs to be clearly stated. -- COLLEEN IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR ABBY: My paternal grandmother lived with us while I was growing up. There were annoyances, of course, but it seemed totally natural to me. Grandma helped with us kids, making dinner and doing laundry. She always had time to read to us or do jigsaw puzzles.

When my husband's grandmother was no longer able to live on her own, she moved in with us until she passed. It was from her that I learned how to knit and how to make a pie crust from scratch. It was the most wonderful experience knowing she was happy in life. The wisdom, love and care we received from her shaped our lives. -- SATISFIED IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR ABBY: With the holidays here, I know people are considering gifts for older friends and family members. My 83-year-old mother still lives in her own home. She doesn't want more "stuff," so every year we give her practical things we know she already uses on a daily basis, including laundry detergent, bath oil beads and soap, toothpaste -- even bird seed for her bird feeders. By the end of the year she has used up everything we have given her and is ready for new supplies.

Mom is happy with these gifts and says it saves her from having to go out and spend money on these things herself. Practical, everyday items make the best gifts for the older person on your list. -- MARY IN RICHARDSON, TEXAS

DEAR MARY: When seniors have reached a point where they have become less active, I agree. So please allow me to offer a few additional suggestions to your gift list.

With the cost of groceries what they are today, many individuals on fixed incomes would appreciate a gift basket of goodies such as small cans of tuna, salmon, chicken or soup. Also include crackers, assorted flavored instant coffee, herbal teas, soup mixes and cookies.

Gift certificates also make welcome gifts: for groceries, haircuts, manicures, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, theater tickets and department stores. And don't forget prepaid calling cards.

Homemade coupons for "Honey-do's" (as in "Honey, do this -- Honey, do that") also make thoughtful presents. Create some that can be redeemed for chores such as window washing, painting, gardening, replacing lightbulbs, changing air conditioning filters, moving heavy furniture for spring and fall cleaning and transportation for shopping or doctors' visits, etc.

Because not all seniors drive, bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis can also give the recipient the gift of freedom.

Sweat pants, sweatshirts, athletic socks and walking shoes may motivate the sedentary senior to get up and become more active -- which improves circulation and cognition for people of every age.

Large-print calendars with family birthdays, anniversaries, etc. marked and personalized with family photos make useful gifts, and so do large-print address books with the information already transferred from the recipient's records.

Because medications are expensive, consider a gift certificate to the neighborhood pharmacy. It will be appreciated -- trust me on that.

A subscription to a newspaper or magazine you know the person will enjoy is a gift that keeps on giving year-round. And, of course, stationery and stamps make handy gifts that can also be used throughout the year. While you're at it, enclose with them some felt-tipped pens.

If the person has a pet, send some cans of dog or cat food, a package of "treats," a rawhide chew or catnip.

And please don't forget that the holiday season can be a depressing time for people who are alone. I'm often asked for gift ideas for the person who "already has everything." And this is my answer: The greatest gift a person can offer is the gift of yourself. If someone you know could use an outing, give the most meaningful gift of all -- an invitation to share a meal with you or your family.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)