DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about "Not Nosy, Just Concerned" (Nov. 13), the neighbor who suspects the woman she sees entering "John" and "Marcia's" house is having an affair with John while Marcia sleeps. There is another scenario to consider, and it is, perhaps, the biggest reason "Nosy" should keep hers out of it. It is entirely possible that Marcia is fully aware and willingly participating in the after-hours visits of the "tart."

I am happily married now, but when I was single, I was an after-dark visitor to a well-to-do, (still) happily married couple in an unsuspecting affluent suburban neighborhood. We were all happy with the arrangement, and even joked with each other about what the neighbors would think if they only knew. "Nosy" may get the surprise of her life if she ignores your advice and shares her "knowledge" with Marcia. Things aren't always as they appear. -- HAPPY THIRD WHEEL

DEAR HAPPY: That's true. And you were by no means the only reader who suggested that scenario. However, many others were quick to offer me some neighborly advice. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You were off-base in your reply to that lady. She wanted to know how to tell the woman of the house her husband was up to no good. You advised her to mind her own business. You should have told her to send the woman a letter.

If it turns out the visitor is a relative, they can have a good laugh over it and she won't have messed up her friendship with the couple. If it turns out she's right, then Marcia will know to get herself tested for an STD, which John may have given her. And if he hasn't given her one yet, it could stop her from getting one. STDs can kill. Telling the neighbor to butt out was just plain dumb. -- FREDA IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: You are out of touch if you don't think a man will have sex in the same house in which his wife is sleeping. My sister awoke one morning to find her (now ex) husband having sex with their houseguest in the bathroom! And about 15 years ago, a friend of mine caught her husband in the basement with another woman. She and their two children had been upstairs sleeping.

Open your eyes, Abby. Why would a relative come in the middle of the night and park a block away? -- DIANE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR ABBY: My mom had the same suspicion years ago. Her neighbor lady's husband would leave for work and shortly after his departure a man next door would walk over to her house. He'd go through the back gate, into her home, stay awhile and then walk back to his house. After getting to know them, Mom discovered that the woman and her visitor were brother and sister and enjoyed drinking their morning coffee together. -- NOSY NO MORE

DEAR ABBY: I wish a nosy neighbor had told me when my fiance was cheating on me. After I found out, several people admitted they had suspected the woman who had been coming around when I was visiting my parents was the "other woman," but they didn't want to seem intrusive.

While all of this was going on, I was pregnant with our second child. I learned what was happening when the baby was 3 months old. The woman was someone I considered a friend. I felt betrayed. Abby, "Nosy" should send her neighbor an anonymous note. -- SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my dad came to San Francisco to attend a CPA convention. Because my stepmom, "Ann," couldn't be there, Dad invited me to the Saturday night dinner. I was in my early 20s and working as a fashion model, so I decided to dress to kill.

Even though Dad introduced me as his daughter, several of the wives were suspicious. One of them took a picture of us and showed it to Ann. The look on her face was priceless when my stepmom said, "Isn't 'Jim's' daughter beautiful? I'm so glad she could be there." The three of us have laughed about it for years. -- NORMA IN SAN MATEO, CALIF.

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DEAR ABBY: When we were younger, my sister, "Patti," and I made a pact to be each other's maid of honor. It was Patti's suggestion, and we both thought I would soon marry my then-boyfriend. It didn't happen.

A few years later, when Patti became engaged, she asked a friend with whom she had recently reconnected to be her maid of honor. She never addressed the issue with me or offered any explanation. I was crushed, but kept mum. In the years that followed, my sister told me she regretted her decision and has apologized, which helped soothe my feelings.

Last week I became engaged. I want Patti in my wedding, but as a bridesmaid. My best friend, "Meg," has always been there for me in ways I never knew a friend could. I was her maid of honor three years ago, and cherished the experience as one that signified the meaning of our friendship.

I feel torn because of the promise I made to my sister, even though she didn't honor her promise to me. I don't want to hurt Patti, and I also don't want to seem retaliatory. Can you offer me any guidance? -- MUDDLED MAIDEN IN TEXAS

DEAR MUDDLED MAIDEN: Yes. Patti's mistake was in not TALKING to you about the fact that she had changed her mind about having you as her maid of honor. My advice is to warmly invite your sister to join your wedding party as a bridesmaid, and explain why you have decided to ask your friend Meg to be maid of honor. You may find that Patti no longer expects you to keep that long ago promise, particularly in light of the fact that when she chose her bridal attendants she had a case of temporary amnesia.

DEAR ABBY: Many people in the world appear indifferent to human suffering and the serious problems our planet is facing.

I am appalled when I see TV shows about food contests in which mounds of food are piled in front of each contender, who then wolfs down enough to feed five or six people.

Evidently the audience enjoys the spectacle. They cheer and applaud the winner as if he was a hero. Do they never think about the millions of people who are starving? I would appreciate your comments. -- PRAGMATIST IN N.Y.

DEAR PRAGMATIST: No, I doubt they consider that while they are stuffing themselves, others are literally starving, nor have I heard that the sponsors have donated a portion of the proceeds to feed the hungry.

This Thanksgiving my local paper featured a color photo on the front page of a family celebrating at the beach, pulling a large turkey out of a fryer. Below the fold was another one, this of a woman in Sudan, sitting by a roadside, obviously undernourished, trying to sell her only goat so she could provide for herself and her family.

Closer to home, food banks are struggling and American children depend on school nutrition programs for survival, while audiences view eating contests as entertainment. And that's more obscene than any X-rated movie will ever be, in my opinion.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband constantly leers at women. He bases many of his choices on the "best views" available for girl watching: his seat in a restaurant, where he parks to pick up the kids from high school, seats at sporting events that are close to the cheerleaders, even TV shows that feature cute blondes -- the scantier clad the better.

The most upsetting incident happened when we were saying goodbye to our daughter whom we had taken to college. With tears in my eyes, I turned to my husband for comfort. Abby, instead of offering any, his eyes were glued on the rear end of a cute co-ed as she crossed the lobby.

I have begged, pleaded and explained repeatedly to my husband that his behavior is humiliating, degrading to all involved and just plain disgusting. He either denies he's doing it, becomes defensive, says I need help or tells me I'm "overreacting" -- that ALL men do it.

I have had enough, but at my age starting over seems scary. AM I overreacting? -- YOO-HOO, I'M OVER HERE!

DEAR HERE!: If your husband was 20 years younger, his behavior would be classified as "boys will be boys." But he is no longer a boy, and the older he gets the more his behavior is beginning to resemble that of a creepy old man. Most men may look occasionally, but it appears your husband is obsessive. He owes you an apology for his lack of sensitivity regarding your feelings and should make an effort at behavior modification.

Staying in an unhappy marriage because the idea of starting over "seems scary" is the wrong reason. But before you throw in the towel, both of you should talk to a marriage counselor -- or an optometrist who can help your husband practice tunnel vision.

DEAR ABBY: My 18-year-old son, "Brandon," dated several girls in high school -- none seriously. But now that he's thinking about colleges, he has fallen head-over-heels for someone named "Michelle." I'm OK with that; my problem is Michelle's mother. It's like she's trying to get them married as soon as possible.

This woman manipulates situations so that her daughter and Brandon spend the majority of their time at her house. Every time we make plans to have Michelle over for dinner or a movie, there's either a reason she can't come, or her mother calls asking her to return home.

Michelle's mom constantly calls and texts my son. On Facebook she carries on about how much she misses him. Whenever Brandon makes a comment about his wonderful girlfriend, her mother chimes in with, "What about her wonderful mother?"

Brandon is being set up and manipulated, but becomes defensive if I try to point it out. We live in a small town, and I have had several unsolicited warnings of "watch out for the mother" whenever people find out who Brandon is dating. Would it be wrong to approach this woman? -- LEVEL-HEADED IN MONROE, N.C.

DEAR LEVEL-HEADED: It appears that Michelle's mother is living vicariously through her daughter and is trying to "help" her land your son. Although the woman's behavior is over-the-top, I doubt that confronting her would discourage her.

Before this goes any further, Brandon needs to understand that Michelle's mother is a textbook example of a problem mother-in-law. If your son has a father, uncle or grandfather in the picture, he may be more receptive to a man-to-man talk about what's going on than he is to a warning from his mother.

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