DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Harry," and I had a good marriage for 25 years, but we have grown apart and have agreed to divorce when our child finishes college. We just don't have a lot in common anymore. Harry is on the road a lot, and I have my own business.

My problem is I have fallen in love with Harry's cousin "Cyrus." We met 25 years ago at my sister-in-law's house and were instantly attracted. My mother-in-law reintroduced us five years ago so we could put together a business deal, and we became close. Cyrus is successful, and he's generous to me and my child. I have been secretly in love with him all these years, and now he has fallen in love with me, too.

Because I plan to leave Harry does not mean I want to leave his family. I have a wonderful mother-in-law and great sisters-in-law, and I love being a part of their family. I enjoy the weddings, family reunions and even the memorial services.

When I divorce Harry and marry Cyrus, I plan to remain part of the family, but my sisters-in-law do not approve, and they no longer want to continue our friendship. If it doesn't bother my soon-to-be-ex-husband, why should my continuing to attend family reunions bother them? And will time heal all wounds? -- GOING CRAZY IN ALABAMA

DEAR GOING CRAZY: Allow me to offer a clue. Harry's sisters appear to be traditional in their beliefs and may consider you to be an adulteress who has wronged their brother. If the breach can be healed, Harry will have to explain to them that the divorce is also his idea because your marriage has been over for years. However, if your soon-to-be-ex is unwilling to step forward, then I seriously doubt time will heal this wound, so please don't hold your breath expecting any invitations when their clan gathers.

DEAR ABBY: Ever since my father died 15 years ago, my mother has pursued her children's friends and made them her own. Example: I live in another state and have had a best friend, "Anne," for 20 years. Mom has gotten to know Anne quite well over the years, through me. She now calls Anne long distance, invites her to come and stay with her (without me), and considers the two of them best friends.

Last week when I talked to Anne, I learned that Mother will be joining us on a girls' trip I had planned with my closest friends. Mother has done this with my siblings' friends, too -- taking them on trips with her or inviting them to visit. Since Dad's death, she has severed most of their old friendships. Now, aside from our friends, her only friends are her secretary and some of her employees.

I'm having a hard time with this because I can no longer be open about my mother to Anne. Mom's relationship with Anne has changed my relationship with my friend, and I resent it. Is this normal? -- COMPETING WITH MOM

DEAR COMPETING: No, but has it occurred to you that after your father's death, their friends may have ended their relationship with your mother? According to my mail, it happens quite often because a widow may be perceived as a third wheel or even a threat.

Your mother may be competing with you (and your siblings), or it could be a desperate attempt to be more involved in your lives.

Does Anne know how uncomfortable this three-way has made you feel? If so, how did she respond when you told her? If you have discussed it, then it's time to recognize that the problem isn't entirely your mother, and you may be mad at the wrong person.

DEAR ABBY: Shortly before my wedding, I decided to have my teeth fixed. The dentist quoted me a price of $4,000, which my husband and I could not afford since we were paying for our entire wedding.

My parents agreed to pay the dental bill as soon as it arrived. However, there is now a "stipulation." They are demanding the full list -- including exact dollar amounts -- of what EACH of our guests gave us for wedding gifts. If I refuse, my parents now say our previous verbal agreement is worthless, and my husband can cover my dental bill.

Am I wrong for not wanting to give them the dollar amount or tell them what each guest gave at our wedding? They call me at work and insist I tell them because they "must" know if their family and friends "disrespected" them. I feel that whatever people gave us is whatever they could afford, and my husband and I are very happy with the gifts we received. -- NEWLYWED IN DARIEN, CONN.

DEAR NEWLYWED: Your parents are wrong to attempt to blackmail you into sharing the list with them. That information is none of their business. I hope you stand firm, call your dentist and work out a payment plan.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 73-year-old man in reasonably good health who would like to own a dog. However, I have two concerns: A dog might outlive me, or I might outlive the dog -- which would be traumatic for me. I'd appreciate your opinion. -- THINKING OF ADOPTING IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR THINKING: It is well known that pets lower levels of stress and depression. Adopting a dog could give you a new "leash" on life because responsible pet owners must establish a regular routine and exercise their animals.

However, before you take the plunge, consult your doctor about whether you're healthy enough to have one, and ask a veterinarian about the care it will require and whether you should adopt an adult dog rather than a puppy. Then talk to your lawyer about ensuring that, in the event of your death, your faithful companion will be cared for until it joins you in the Great Puppy Park in the sky.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this as a mother of four and an operating room nurse for 30 years. Once again, I had to pull a crying mother from her child so I could take the child into the operating room.

I understand that a child having surgery is upsetting and stressful. My own children have had to have surgical procedures done, so I know the feeling. But if I can help parents understand one thing, it would be that the child looks to the parent for support. If the mother is crying and clinging at the bedside, the message the child receives is: If Mom is that upset, something bad must be about to happen to me.

No one is implying that you do not love your child or you are not worried about him or her, but it does no one any good if you have to be peeled off your child. Please send your little one off with kisses and encouraging words, and the child will be a little less frightened. -- WISCONSIN R.N.

DEAR WISCONSIN R.N.: I'm printing your letter verbatim. As traumatic as sending a child into surgery can be for both parent and child, the words a child needs to hear are, "You'll be going to sleep, and when you wake up, Mommy will be right here. I love you. Now give me a kiss." For the child's sake, venting for stress relief should be saved for the waiting room.

DEAR ABBY: We had a repairman in our home yesterday who needed to leave to go to the hardware store for a part. My wife told him: "I have to go to pick up my son, so here's my spare key. Let yourself back in."

Abby, we do not know this man from Adam! He easily could have copied our key -- he was going to the hardware store, after all -- and returned to burglarize our home, or worse. We have three young children.

I realize my wife was in a tough spot. I know I should have more faith in the goodness of humanity, but I feel she put our family at risk. I'm considering having my locks changed. Your thoughts on the matter would be much appreciated. -- PROTECTIVE IN LIVERMORE, CALIF.

DEAR PROTECTIVE: You should not have a repairman in your home at any time unless the person is licensed, bonded, and you have checked his references. If, heaven forbid, a home is burglarized, the owners should tell the police about any "stranger" who has been on the premises. And if you would sleep better at night knowing you had changed the locks as a precaution, then that's what you should do.

DEAR ABBY: I know thank-you notes are in order for wedding gifts, graduation presents and special anniversary gifts -- but can the practice be overdone?

A woman in our group, "Bev," delights in sending thank-you notes for every little thing. She means well, but it makes the rest of us feel awkward.

Example: One day she dropped by as I was preparing a tuna sandwich for lunch, so I offered her one. We ate them on paper plates with a cup of tea. A few days later, a thank-you note arrived, which surprised me.

Abby, neither my mother nor I have ever sent or expected thank-you notes for casual visits. We're a group of older ladies who are just pleased to have friends who gather for lunch on birthdays or help each other out with small favors. We see and talk to each other often.

I don't want to offend Bev and will reply in kind to her, but have told others a simple thank you in person or a phone call will suffice for me. They agree. What do you think? -- GOOD FRIENDS IN ARIZONA

DEAR GOOD FRIEND: Because Bev may not be aware of your feelings on the subject, I think you should also tell HER that in the future a simple thank you in person or a phone call will suffice.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question I can't ask of anyone but you. I am 84 years old, and I have been a widow for 10 years. I worked as a secretary all my life.

I am torn about accepting requests from a man I used to work for to "come and visit" him. This is not an invitation for a date -- dinner, a movie, a drive. It's nothing but "a visit."

This happened before when I was divorced and living alone. The "visit" consisted of hugging, kissing and sex. That's all. It made me feel cheap.

Although I would love to be kissed and hugged by a man as handsome as George Clooney, I feel he is trying to use me. There is never any mention of a "date." Please hasten your reply and tell me how I should handle this. -- FEELING USED IN BELLEVILLE, ILL.

DEAR FEELING USED: The next time "Prince Charming" calls and asks you to pay a house call, smile into the receiver (which will make your tone warmer and friendlier) and tell him you'd be "delighted" to see him -- when he picks you up, takes you to dinner or a movie or even for a drive. And stick to your guns.