DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend recently moved in with me. We have a great relationship except that he is always slapping me on the bottom. He refers to it as "love taps."

I have told him many times I regard it as degrading and frustrating. It stings and I hate it. I have told him 10 different times in 10 different ways, including getting so angry I screamed obscenities at him.

When we get into little arguments, he will say, "That's it! You deserve a spanking for that!" and proceeds to hit me again. I know he thinks it's cute, and he obviously gets some sort of enjoyment out of it, but I am at my wits' end.

How can I get it through his head that his behavior is not only offensive, it is seriously harming our relationship by creating resentment? Does he just not care about my feelings, or does he not take me seriously when I tell him to knock it off? -- SORE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SORE: When someone continues to do something after having been told that it hurts, that you don't like it, and that you want it stopped, what it shows is lack of respect for your feelings and your "space." What is going on is not my definition of a "great" relationship. It's one in which there is a serious communication problem.

Now I have a question for you. What else does he ignore when you speak up?

DEAR ABBY: I take the shuttle bus from work along with a group of others from the same company. Last week, I got out of work a little early and was already sitting on the bus when the others boarded. Not realizing that I was there, a man who works in another department -- whom I do not know well -- said loudly, "I don't think that old lady is here today."

Abby, I am not yet 60, and he is older than I am! I know that for a fact. His remark was within earshot of the other workers and the driver. Needless to say, I was deeply upset and humiliated. In fact, I wrote a letter to the human resources department but never received a response.

I have considered calling the crass fellow to tell him how much he embarrassed me. Should I? What would you do, Abby? -- LOYAL READER, ANY CITY, USA

DEAR READER: Are you the only older female who rides the shuttle? And are you positive the remark was about you? My initial reaction was that the man may have thought someone who usually takes the bus wasn't there yet and he might have been voicing concern -- as in, "Maybe we should wait a few minutes until she gets here."

Rather than calling him, I would let it go. If he was talking about you, he embarrassed HIMSELF with his tactlessness far more than he embarrassed you.

DEAR READERS: Today is a double holiday. Not only is it Valentine's Day (greetings to all you lovers out there), but it also is the beginning of the lunar New Year. This is the Year of the Tiger. Individuals born this year are known for their charm, and when they see opportunity, they're quick to pounce. A formidable combination not only in the jungle, but also in society!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Hillary" for a little more than a year. We're both in our late 20s and just starting our careers. We both live with our parents.

We've been having problems because I'm not willing to move in with her. I have told Hillary many times that there is no audition for marriage, but she's convinced it would "bring us closer." Many of the people I've worked with ended up splitting shortly after moving in together. Conversely, many of Hillary's friends moved in with significant others and were married shortly after.

I admit, I'd like to take things slow (call me old-fashioned), but Hillary doesn't know if she can wait until I feel ready to take this step or propose.

We acknowledge that we love each other. Our parents are not exactly rooting for us, so we're taking another break from things. I suggested that we both find our own places for the time being. Hillary has never lived by herself. We don't know what to do, and I'd like some advice from someone who doesn't have a stake in this. -- AT A CROSSROADS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: I'm glad you asked. Neither you nor Hillary seem ready for the kind of commitment she's angling for right now. What's clear to me is that she wants to get out of her parents' house, while you appear to want some independence before making a lifetime commitment. Your suggestion about getting separate apartments is a good one.

I would love to know why neither set of parents is "rooting" for this match. But let it serve to make you think long and hard before doing anything you're not 100 percent ready for.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are having a disagreement. I went into a women's clothing store to buy her a formal dress for Christmas. She has recently gotten into superb shape, and I wanted to celebrate it by buying her something formal but sexy.

I found an item I liked but was unsure how or whether it would fit her. The store manager who was helping me asked one of the salesclerks to try it on for me. She did, and I bought the dress.

My wife feels this was highly inappropriate of everyone involved -- tantamount to a "come on." Can you give me your views? -- WELL-INTENDED IN PHOENIX

DEAR WELL-INTENDED: The store manager's offer to have an employee put on the dress to show you was something that's done all the time. Your wife may be in "superb shape" physically, but emotionally she appears to be insecure. Now that you know this about her, the next time you want to buy her an item of clothing, take her with you. It won't fix what ails her, but you'll avoid another disagreement.

DEAR ABBY: Someone said something to me today that really offended me. I let her know she had hurt my feelings and her response was, "I'm sorry you took what I said the wrong way." (Abby, there was no other way to interpret it!) Essentially, she made it MY fault because I was "too sensitive."

If I said something that hurt someone's feelings, I would simply say, "I apologize. I didn't mean to hurt you." When you try to justify your actions and blame the other person for taking offense there really is no apology forthcoming -- which only makes the situation worse.

Was there a witty comeback to let this person know her lack of an apology did not go unnoticed? -- OFFENDED IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR OFFENDED: I wouldn't call it "witty," but it's accurate: "That's right -- blame the victim!"

DEAR ABBY: I have been married nine years, but moved to my own apartment two months ago. I'm 35; my husband, "Art," is 51. Our marriage was fine until two years ago, when he became depressed over his job and we started fighting. He didn't want to do anything, including have sex, and he quit his job. I paid the bills until he started a new job, but he became depressed again. Then he started drinking. We talked, we cried and stormed. Art refused counseling and wouldn't stop drinking. Our fights were verbal, but I was afraid if I stayed they'd escalate and I'd be physically hurt. That's when I moved.

Art now has a job he likes. He has cut back on his drinking and is the sweet, loving man I married. He wants to reconcile. He says he was depressed and thinks the difference in our ages excuses the fact that I am sexual and he isn't -- and that I want to go places and do things, but he doesn't.

I am confused. I miss the "good" us. I love my husband and don't want anyone else, but I'm afraid to go back. If I give up my apartment and he gets depressed with his new job, I'll be in a situation I won't be able to get out of. On the one hand, I think we deserve another chance. On the other, I don't want to feel like I'm 100 years old when I'm only 35. Any advice would be appreciated. -- CAN'T DECIDE IN OHIO

DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: Agree to go back only after you and your husband have had at least six months of professional couples counseling. The combination of depression, drinking, your age difference and his chronic job dissatisfaction all need to be fully addressed, or your relationship will never be healed.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is addicted to her cell phone. Whenever we're out together it's impossible to converse with her because she always has one or two text conversations going on.

The first thing I hear in the morning is her phone buzzing, notifying her of an incoming text. The last thing I hear at night is her sending a good-night message to one of her friends. If no texts are coming in, she plays games on her phone even if we're watching TV or if company is over.

I have told her it's making me crazy, but she won't stop. The constant clicking drives me up the wall. I feel as though I have lost my wife to her phone. Am I being overly sensitive? What do I do? -- CLICK-CRAZY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CLICK-CRAZY: Your wife's behavior does appear to be obsessive. You need to figure out whether she's using her cell phone to avoid an intimate relationship with you, or whether she really has developed an addiction to the device. Because the "last thing you hear at night" isn't an affectionate comment directed to you, but rather something being "clicked" to a friend -- it may be the former.

To find out if she's addicted, offer her a challenge. Tell her you feel the cell phone is interfering with your relationship. If she denies it, suggest she stop using it. If she can't put it down for an agreed-upon period of time, persuade her in a loving way to admit she needs help. The good news is treatment is available for this kind of compulsive disorder once she has been diagnosed by a mental health professional.

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