DEAR ABBY: I agree with the response you gave to "Low Priority in Pennsylvania" (Dec. 11) that she reconsider her relationship with her fiance, but not for the reason you may think. Unless they are kids just out of college, three years is a long time to be engaged. Add to this the fact that the man seems to be making no moves to blend his old family with his new one, and it suggests to me that he isn't really serious about making his relationship with "Low Priority" permanent.

After three years, a man who is planning to remarry should be gently encouraging his biological children to accept the new relationship. Obviously, when his kids are visiting he is going to spend a lot of time with them on their own, but he shouldn't be reluctant to show her affection and respect in their presence. He also should not be ignoring her or her child, and there should be time scheduled for all of them to do things together.

That Sunday breakfast would be a perfect opportunity. A man who is serious would wake up the whole house and they'd go to breakfast together. Then afterward, maybe she would go home and he would take all the kids -- her son included -- to do something fun. Or maybe she should be the one who takes the kids for an afternoon, to give his kids a chance to get used to this new woman and negotiate a relationship with her on their own terms.

The fact that he has done none of this should be a huge red flag to "Low Priority." She needs to decide if being engaged for life is good enough, or if she'd rather cut bait and look for a man who loves and respects her enough to fully incorporate her into his life. -- JAYMI IN ATLANTA

DEAR JAYMI: Thank you for writing. Many readers disagreed with my comments and told me emphatically that not only did they regard the man as an uncaring partner, but also as an ineffective parent. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That man is not being a good parent when he has his kids. A real parent sets bedtimes and teaches the kids to consider all the members of the family. He is shortchanging his kids because of his behavior! -- ELIZABETH IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: Through 23 years of marriage I tolerated isolating behavior from my husband when his two sons were visiting, first as teens and later as young adults. Nothing worked -- talking to him, ignoring the behavior, taking my own trips on visit weekends, marriage counseling. I had no say in matters pertaining to the two stepsons, even though they affected my marriage and our home life.

My marriage ended when I finally decided if I was going to feel alone, I might as well enjoy the benefits. My former husband is now alone and none too happy about it. And his now grown sons are no more concerned with his feelings than he was with mine. Children learn by example. -- FORMER STEPMOTHER

DEAR ABBY: In a family, blended or otherwise, the adults are the heads of the family. It's the so-called "executive system." Their relationship must be kind, harmonious and respectful because it sets the tone for the entire family dynamic.

The fiance may love his children, but he's actually causing them more harm by allowing them to rule the roost and see him essentially mistreat the woman and child with whom he has lived for three years. The part of your advice I agree with is that the woman should not marry him. -- THERAPIST IN MAINE

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two children, ages 13 and 6. Our older son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes last year. Because of this, we must carefully watch everything he eats. We're struggling to deal with it, but lately we have other issues we need help with.

We were out one evening and our younger son wanted ice cream. My husband told him he couldn't have any because it would be unfair to his brother. I, in turn, said that it's not fair to punish the younger one. This has become a huge deal for us lately. Can you tell us who is right, and what's the best way to handle this? -- TRYING TO BE FAIR IN HAWAII

DEAR TRYING TO BE FAIR: This is something you should discuss with your older son's doctor. It is my understanding that years ago, diabetes was treated more with diet. But with the advent of glucose meters and better insulin, most people with Type 1 diabetes, while trying to eat healthfully, do not completely deprive themselves of treats but accommodate them by adjusting their level of insulin. If your husband refuses to budge on the "treats" issue, then your younger child should be given something else to compensate.

The American Diabetes Association offers a free kit that can be sent to you. It can be ordered by calling 1-800-342-2383 or logging onto www.diabetes.org/families. The kit contains a parents' guide, a card game for your kids, a paperback book, "The Diabetes Dictionary: What Every Person With Diabetes Needs to Know," and more.

If you haven't already done so, please contact the ADA. It will be a terrific resource for you, your husband and your son in managing his diabetes, as well as keeping peace in your household.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I threw a party for which we hired a bartender, so we could spend more time with our guests.

We figured that, in addition to his hourly rate, we would tip him at the end of the night. Without consulting us, the man placed a plastic cup out for our guests to tip him. My wife was appalled and demanded that he remove it. He actually argued with her, but finally put the tip cup away.

My wife and I asked friends to weigh in on the subject. The men had no problem with the practice, while every woman found it offensive. Were we too harsh? Should a bartender at a private, in-home party be allowed to solicit tips from the guests? -- BAR NONE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BAR NONE: Absolutely not! When you hired this person, all the details should have been agreed to in advance -- and if the compensation your bartender was being offered wasn't satisfactory, he should have refused the job.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married six years and have two wonderful children. Lately, my mother-in-law has made several comments in front of family members suggesting that one of our kids bears no resemblance to my husband -- implying that I have been unfaithful.

At first, I took it as a joke. Now I'm wondering if she really believes it. My husband isn't concerned, but I wonder if I should set her straight. What would you suggest? -- NO LAUGHING MATTER

DEAR N.L.M.: I would suggest you set your mother-in-law straight. To say that her remarks are tasteless is an understatement. Either she has a warped sense of humor or she has been watching too many soap operas. Talk with her privately and, if necessary, offer to have both your children DNA-tested to prove their "authenticity." That may be the only way to stop her snide remarks once and for all.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married five months, and a problem has come up. It's my wife's 20-year-old son, "Danny." He uses drugs, and he does it in our house. He also allows the garbage to pile up in his room to the point that the stench invades the entire house.

We have had to install locks on all the internal doors because Danny steals from us. He also has his girlfriend and drug-using cousin over for "sleepovers."

Last night I was so upset I told my wife I was tired of the drugs and the filth, and if Danny doesn't straighten out, I am going to turn him in to the authorities. My wife now barely speaks to me, and she's making me feel like I'm the enemy. Was I wrong to put my foot down? -- CONFLICTED IN ST. JOE, MO.

DEAR CONFLICTED: Not in my book. Danny appears to be an addict living the lifestyle of an addict, which includes stealing and hanging around with others who use drugs. The garbage may be piling up because he's so stoned he doesn't notice.

I don't know how long you all have been living like this, but if you married your wife under these circumstances, she may expect you to continue to tolerate it.

As long as she allows her son to use drugs and live the way he is, nothing will change. Please recognize that your wife is her son's enabler. A loving mother should insist that he get help and clean up his act. What you must decide is whether you're willing to live like this for the rest of your life, because you can't change this lady and her son. Only they can do that, and they do not appear inclined to do so.

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old son, Perry, is autistic and loves to say "Good morning" to people when we're out -- no matter what time of day it is. It surprises me how many people will not reply. Why is that?

Would it be so difficult to just say something in return? Have we become lost in cell phones, iPods and other electronic devices to the extent that we have forgotten how to be polite?

You never know when a simple "good morning" will make someone happy -- and you might even find yourself smiling more. -- PARENT OF A SPECIAL CHILD

DEAR PARENT: Your child's disability may make some of the people he's greeting uncomfortable. Because the greeting is not appropriate, they may be unsure how to respond. It's sad, because it only takes a moment to say, "Hi," and the validation would give your son a jolt of pleasure.

If, however, you are disappointed because your son is getting no response from individuals who are using their cell phones, please know you're a member of a very large club. I hear the same complaint from mothers, fathers and grandparents who would also like a little courtesy from distracted relatives who are too absorbed in their cell phones, iPods and Blackberrys to make eye contact or converse.

DEAR ABBY: With today's economic woes, more and more people are out of work. I was lucky to find a job only three months after relocating to California, and I'm working with a wonderful group of people.

At the end of the year, holiday bonuses were given out. To my surprise, I was given one. In addition, I was given five days of paid holiday strictly on the company. Would it be appropriate to write a thank-you note to the president of the company? I'm truly grateful to have this job. -- GRATEFUL EMPLOYEE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRATEFUL: A thank-you note is always appreciated. Not only would it be appropriate, but it's also an intelligent and diplomatic way of calling attention to yourself.