DEAR ABBY: Regarding your answer to "Yoo-Hoo, I'm Over Here!" (Jan. 10), who was bothered by her husband's constant leering at women, you've got to be kidding. Men have been looking at young women since the beginning of time. My husband and his friends hold "office hours" every morning at our neighborhood coffeehouse. I've told him as long as he "touches" only with his eyes, there won't be a problem.

My husband and his pals are not "creepy old men." They are leaders in our community -- doing what they can to make the world a better place, while enjoying the scenery. There must be something terribly wrong with "Yoo-Hoo's" marriage if she's contemplating divorce because of this. -- KEEPING IT REAL IN TAMPA

DEAR KEEPING IT REAL: I told "Yoo-Hoo" that from her description, her husband's behavior seemed obsessive, that it showed a lack of sensitivity to her feelings and I recommended marriage counseling. Responses from my readers were varied. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In marriage we promise to love and cherish our wives. That is not what "Yoo-Hoo's" husband is doing. It is disrespectful to her, his supposed one and only, and to the women he is ogling. When a man stares at another woman, it is not just looking. He is fantasizing about her. And sometimes it doesn't stop there. -- TOM IN HALF MOON BAY, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for 18 years, we have four children, and I can attest that all men do NOT do that. My husband isn't blind to a beautiful woman, but he is respectful of my feelings and has enough self-respect to not openly drool over any women in my presence.

Unfortunately, we do know "Yoo-Hoo's" husband's type. We have seen "men" like him gawking open-mouthed at the teenage girls wearing tight jeans at school. We have also made careful note of who they are and who their children are. If an invitation comes for one of our girls to visit their kids at their house, the answer is always NO.

"Yoo-Hoo's" husband has a problem. The sooner she realizes it, the better. -- WATCHFUL MOM IN BUTLER, PA.

DEAR ABBY: You said that if "Yoo-Hoo's" husband were 20 years younger, his behavior would be chalked up to "boys will be boys." Boys of all ages can be respectful of women -- the ones they're dating or are married to, and the ones who do not want to be ogled by strangers. Appreciating attractive people without being creepy is something people of all ages and both genders are capable of. Please don't perpetuate this stereotype. -- BROOKE IN HILLIARD, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: The way she describes her husband's behavior with women sounds like he may have a sexual addiction. If so, he is powerless over his behavior and will do anything to justify his addiction. It's a waste of time asking him to change unless he goes into recovery for it. Other signs of this addiction are affairs, frequenting bars, using Internet chat rooms and looking at porn. -- KNOWS FROM EXPERIENCE

DEAR ABBY: I wonder how that man would feel if he caught someone his age leering at HIS daughter? Maybe then he would think twice about what he is doing. -- DIVORCED IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR ABBY: Women look, too. I look! I think it's healthy to be aware of the people around you. But that doesn't mean we have to be obvious about it -- certainly not so obvious that we are inconsiderate of the people we are with.

That said, the other side of the coin is: Did he act like this when they were dating? Did she know what she was getting when she married him? As they say, a leopard doesn't change its spots. -- IRENE IN SAN ANTONIO

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DEAR ABBY: When I first met my husband of two years, "Phil," he owned his own home, kept it spotless and his yard neat, prepared his own meals and did his laundry. Those qualities made him stand out from the many spoiled "Mama's boys" I had dated in the past.

Now that we're married it's like he has amnesia. He has "forgotten" how to operate the washing machine, scrub a toilet or wash a dish. He hasn't cleaned the bathroom once since our wedding, washes only one load of laundry a week (his own work uniforms) and performs other domestic tasks only if I ask repeatedly. I don't enjoy nagging him.

I teach school and attend graduate school at night, so I'm just as exhausted at the end of the day as he is, even though his labor is more physical. I know this problem is nothing new, but I am hoping you can offer some insight or advice. Why do so many men feel entitled to flop on the couch every night and expect us women to trudge through the housework into the wee hours? -- NOT THE MAID IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR NOT THE MAID: Probably because that's what they saw their mothers do, and whether it's conscious or not, they consider housework to be "women's work." However, a lot has changed over the last generation, and your mother-in-law deserves credit for equipping her son to be independent after he left her nest.

Because so many couples are both employed today, many husbands and wives share housekeeping responsibilities. And because you yourself are working the equivalent of two jobs, that's what you and your husband should be doing. Of course, that won't happen until and unless you're willing to put your foot down and impress upon him that you married him to be his partner -- not his maid -- and that if he wants a happy marriage, he's going to have to pull his share of the load.

DEAR ABBY: I'm worried about my 14-year-old granddaughter. She's a good soccer player and frequently "heads" the soccer ball. I think this could be harmful to her brain.

I have spoken to two coaches about it; they say I shouldn't worry. But I saw on the Internet that chronic traumatic brain injury has occurred in soccer and football players. What do you think? Should I pursue this concern? -- GRANDMA AND NURSE IN HOUSTON

DEAR GRANDMA: What do your granddaughter's parents have to say about this? Surely, she is not participating in a team sport without their written permission. That said, because everything one reads on the Internet isn't necessarily accurate, if you wish to pursue this, I'd recommend you start by talking to a licensed medical professional.

DEAR ABBY: I have been infatuated with a co-worker for more than a year. The problem is, he knows it and is reluctant to become more involved because we work together. We flirt constantly. We're good friends and talk almost daily about things that go way beyond work.

Everyone here knows we have a thing for each other. How do I cross over without risking our friendship? We're both single and unattached. -- INFATUATED IN DOWNEY, CALIF.

DEAR INFATUATED: More than a few romances have started in the workplace, if there is no company policy forbidding fraternization, so why not ask him to join you for dinner one evening? I can't see how that would be a risk to your friendship. His response will tell you whether or not he's just an office flirt who enjoys the sexual tension and prefers to leave things as they are.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 27 and in a three-year-long relationship that has been slowly falling apart. A year before it began, I ended a two-year union with another guy. While the two men are completely different, both relationships ended for similar reasons.

I am a successful, independent woman. Apparently, this made each one feel like less of a man. While I'm told my qualities are part of the reason I'm attractive, men want to "prove themselves" before they commit to marriage. Things usually fall apart when their career plans shift and they feel like they're starting over. I try to be supportive, but nothing works. They begin resenting me for everything I have accomplished.

I am on a path to achieve everything I can before I scale back to have children and put my family first. I have two master's degrees. I'm working on my license in a traditionally male profession. I'm on the board of directors of several nonprofits. I own my own home. But I'm beginning to be afraid I'll never have the family life I have always wanted. Should I resign myself to the fact that I can't have it all? -- SUCCESSFUL ... ON PAPER, CHARLOTTE, N.C.

DEAR SUCCESSFUL ... ON PAPER: Please don't. And don't give up and lower any of your goals, either. What you need is a man who is more secure within himself than those you have been involved with. The traditional roles of men and women have been turned upside down in the last few years, and the last thing you need is someone who would resent you if he couldn't match or surpass your achievements.

At 27 you are hardly over the hill. Keep your options open until you find someone who appreciates that a husband and wife are a team to which both bring their own strengths and weaknesses, and who will revel along with you when you succeed. As long as a couple is compatible, it doesn't matter who is the larger wage earner. Please don't settle. If you do, consider the message it will send to your daughters.

DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Gail," is estranged from her family and has no significant other. She is always trying to improve herself. She works out at a gym daily and has spent a fortune on plastic surgery.

People have told me that Gail's laugh is loud and embarrassing. Abby, it's not just her laugh that's grating, but her speaking voice is equally unpleasant. She is so loud that she has been asked to "lower the volume" in restaurants.

How can I tell her that her money would be better spent on voice lessons? -- SOUNDING OFF IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.

DEAR SOUNDING OFF: Because your friend speaks so loudly that she has been asked to quiet down, the first thing to do is suggest to her that she have her hearing checked by an audiologist. It's possible that she is suffering from a hearing loss.

If that's not the case, then tell her that since she has done so much to improve her appearance, you think she could benefit from some sessions with a speech therapist because it would make her picture perfect. It may not be what she wants to hear, but sometimes it takes a friend to tell the unvarnished truth.

The acid test for situations like this is to ask yourself: "Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" And in this case, the answer to all three questions is yes.

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