DEAR ABBY: My husband had an affair with a stripper. I found out about it because he bought her some jewelry and was stupid enough to have the bill sent to our home.

We have been married more than 20 years and I love him, but this haunts me every day. I am heartbroken, but I'm trying to make our marriage work. He never admitted to any of it and says nothing happened between them.

I don't know whether to keep on trying or leave him and hope to get on with my life. What's your advice? -- WOUNDED HEART IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR WOUNDED HEART: You have my sympathy, but one person can't save a marriage alone. It takes effort on the part of both husband and wife, plus honest communication and often professional counseling to heal a relationship when there has been infidelity. Your husband may say "nothing" happened with the stripper, but the only man I can think of who bought jewelry for a woman he wasn't related to or romantically involved with was Michael Jackson when he gave some to Elizabeth Taylor.

Even though you love your husband, it's time to start taking care of yourself. And the place to start is by insisting on professional counseling. If he won't go, go without him.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 24-year-old developmentally disabled son who lives with us. Three months ago, he met a nice girl at the mental health program he attends. They hold hands, go to the movies and occasionally smooch.

Recently, "Jasper" had a mark on his neck. We were over at a friend's house for dinner when my best friend noticed the mark. She then proceeded to tell me I should consider getting Jasper "fixed." At first, I wasn't sure I'd heard her correctly, so I asked her to repeat it. I am shocked that she thinks I should have my son sterilized.

Jasper is diagnosed with ADD and Asperger's syndrome. According to his mental health counselor, he could someday be married, have children and lead a productive, independent life. It just may take him longer to get to that point in comparison with his peers.

How should I respond to my friend about her suggestion? When she made it, I didn't know what to say. -- SPEECHLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SPEECHLESS: If you still want to maintain the friendship with the woman, tell her what your son's mental health counselor said about his prospects for the future. But first, if you haven't already, make sure Jasper clearly understands everything he needs to know to protect himself and his nice girlfriend from premature parenthood.

DEAR ABBY: Please answer a question for me. Why do we fall in love with people who we absolutely, positively cannot have? -- HEARTBROKEN IN INDIANAPOLIS

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You have asked a question for which there is more than one answer. Some people do it because they don't recognize the warning signs quickly enough to back off before becoming enmeshed. Others can't resist a challenge. And still others do it because -- believe it or not -- it's less threatening than falling in love with someone we absolutely, positively CAN have.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a divorced, middle-aged professional woman with a Ph.D. who has been keeping company with a man my age for seven years. "Burt" treats me well. He takes me out, has helped with some major home renovation projects, sends me flowers and I enjoy his company. I'm perfectly happy in his world, and I like most of his friends.

On the flip side, Burt is overweight, has a drinking problem and never finished college. My problem is, I can't bring myself to introduce him to those in my "professional circle." I'm afraid he will say something boorish, show up drunk or otherwise embarrass me.

Is there something intrinsically wrong with me that I'm ashamed to have the man I love meet people with whom I work and socialize? Is there something wrong with the relationship? -- IT'S COMPLICATED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR IT'S COMPLICATED: There doesn't appear to be anything wrong with the relationship. It has worked for seven years. What's "wrong" may be that you're afraid you have "settled" for someone who isn't up to the standards of those in your professional circle. If you are happy, why do you feel you must live up to someone else's standards?

Of course, this doesn't have to be a deal breaker. If you and Burt are a happy couple, keep your personal and professional lives separate. Many couples do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a young, single mother of two girls. I work full time and I'm involved in my daughters' lives. I go to all their school functions, coach their soccer team, serve as the Cookie Mom for Girl Scouts and volunteer for anything else I can manage to squeeze into my schedule, but I have a hard time making friends with any other moms.

None of the other mothers wants to get to know me. I wait at the bus stop with my girls and the moms talk to each other, but not to me. I get a weird "vibe" from them, as if they think I'm too young to know anything. I try to join in, but it seems they really don't care for me.

I have friends my age, but they don't have children. I want friends who have families because they face the same kind of issues I do. What can I do to make these moms like me? -- FRIEND-CHALLENGED IN CYPRESS, TEXAS

DEAR FRIEND-CHALLENGED: There is no way to "make" someone like you, and if a clique has already been established, it can be difficult to break in. It is possible that because of your youth and single status you are perceived as a threat to them -- but I do have a suggestion, and your youth can be an advantage. Start asking them for advice, and it's possible they may take you under their collective wing.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper way to kiss after the wedding officiant says, "You may now kiss the bride"? Should the couple share a simple kiss, or can it be a little more intense? -- DANIELLE IN TAMPA

DEAR DANIELLE: The wedding is a time to demonstrate eternal commitment, not unbridled passion. The kiss can be as intense as you like, as long as it doesn't last more than six seconds, and doesn't remove the bride's lipstick.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old high school senior who will be leaving for college soon. My boyfriend, also a senior, will be leaving, too. We have been going out for the past two years and trust each other completely. We attended different schools, so we are both fairly adapted to a "long-distance relationship."

The problem is I will be going to college in Florida while he will be staying in Michigan. Neither of us wants to break up, but we understand the enormous changes that will be taking place soon. I don't want to force any unnecessary stress upon him, and I know he feels the same. What are the chances of a long-distance relationship like this working out? Do you have any tips for maintaining it? -- COLLEGE-BOUND

DEAR COLLEGE-BOUND: You are right that significant changes will take place after you and your boyfriend leave for college. You will both grow in different directions, which is a good thing and is to be expected. It will either enrich your relationship or end it. But if you have a strong friendship, are honest with each other and aren't afraid of letting each other enjoy some freedom, your chances are stronger of having a relationship that is long-lasting. It may seem counterintuitive, but it's true.

DEAR ABBY: In the past your column has been supportive of Overeaters Anonymous, a 12-step program for those suffering from compulsive eating. This year is the 50th birthday of OA. We want to remind people that they are not alone.

I have been a grateful recovery member of OA for eight years. Food is no longer my reason for living. I have been transformed by the program, both externally and internally. I want people to know there is help. Just as all heavy drinkers are not necessarily alcoholics, neither are all overeaters food addicts. But for those who are -- and there are thousands -- OA is the answer. -- JANET IN TUCSON

DEAR JANET: My warmest congratulations to you, your fellow OA members and to Overeaters Anonymous on its golden anniversary year. When my mother first mentioned Overeaters Anonymous in this column in 1973, I am told the organization was inundated with 40,000 letters from readers wanting to know more or to start chapters. Today OA has grown to more than 6,500 chapters located in more than 75 countries. There is no shaming, no weighing, and no dues or fees are charged at the meetings. Chapters are located in almost every city, but if there's a problem in finding one, log onto � HYPERLINK "http://www.oa.org" ��www.oa.org� or send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope to OA World Service Office, P.O. Box 44020, Rio Rancho, N.M. 87174-4020.

DEAR ABBY: What do you think of friends like the "Joneses," who tell us about all the different people they have had over for dinner and what was served, but have never invited us to share a meal even though we have had them to our house for dinner on more than one occasion? -- STIFFED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR STIFFED: The people you have described are not acting like "friends." What they're doing shows extreme disregard for your feelings. When someone accepts an invitation to dinner in your home, anyone with good manners expects to reciprocate the hospitality in some way. If I were you, I would distance myself from the "Joneses." You'll have less hurt feelings and frustration if you do.