DEAR ABBY: My husband and I generally agree on most major issues. We agree to disagree on the minor ones. But there is one issue I think is major and he thinks is minor -- strip clubs. He sees nothing wrong with having women give him lap dances. He compares it to seeing a movie -- it's "entertainment."

Abby, I'm not a prude. I wouldn't care if he went to a strip club for a bachelor party, and I don't object about his extensive porn collection. But it makes me feel he isn't getting what he needs from me when he goes to a strip club by himself. I expect my husband to understand and respect my feelings. Is that too much to ask, or am I being unreasonable? -- THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT? IN SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR "?": You don't mind your husband going to strip clubs as long as he's with others, and you don't mind him looking at his "extensive porn collection"? It seems as wives go, you're extremely liberal. It's not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable knowing one's spouse is being touched by a scantily clad person of the opposite sex. Because you prefer he not be there alone and he refuses to quit, consider going with him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who is extremely handsome and well-built. "Kal" is friendly, outgoing and lights up a room when he walks in. Everyone likes him -- guys and gals. He makes friends easily and is quite engaging. Girls talk to him and flirt with him, but they don't want to date him.

Kal is 5-foot-7 and everyone says things like, "He's hot!" or, "He's so cute -- but he's short." Abby, this man has a great job, makes more than $80,000 a year, owns his own home and drives a nice car. He surfs, snowboards and loves to enjoy life.

I don't get it. If I wasn't already married to a wonderful man, I'd date Kal in a hot minute. I have seen girls swoon over his physique on the beach or at the gym. Is he too short to be considered eligible? -- LOST IN THE LAND OF ALOHA

DEAR LOST: No -- he's too eligible to be considered short on anything. The true measure of a man isn't from top to bottom -- it's from the eyebrows up. I wish you had sent me Kal's phone number. I know I'll be inundated with letters from interested people.

P.S. Readers, I'd be interested in your thoughts. Does height really matter?

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter just turned 4. She was a "miracle baby" -- carried by a surrogate using my embryo. When our surrogate was 4 1/2 months pregnant, I became pregnant. Our second child is a boy.

I have been open about our story, trying to give other infertile couples hope. However, I have noticed that our daughter's ears perk up when I start talking. She often talks about when she was in my tummy, and when her brother was in there, too. I am torn as to whether I should explain the story to her now, or wait until she can really comprehend such a thing. I don't want her to resent me for covering up the truth. -- BLESSED TWICE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR BLESSED TWICE: At 4, your little girl is too young to be told the technicalities surrounding her birth. Raise the subject when she is older and starting to learn about biology -- unless she starts asking questions sooner. If she does, answer her honestly and on an age-appropriate level.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Pam in Springfield, Ohio" (July 14), whose husband didn't want to go to his mother's funeral, was right on.

A memorial service can be a very different experience than a funeral with the casket present. One of the classiest ones I ever attended was at an art museum, with a jazz trio and a display of the deceased's artwork all around. After listening to some wonderfully funny stories about the nifty lady we were there to honor, there was wine and finger food and cordial sharing of fond memories.

My advice to any family is to start talking about funerals now, before the big event, sharing what you like and what you don't about funerals. There is never only one way to do it. -- LISA CARLSON, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, FUNERAL ETHICS ORGANIZATION

DEAR LISA: Agreed! It's always nice to receive a letter from you. You have long been a valued resource to me and my readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I work in a funeral home and would suggest a couple of options to Pam regarding her husband. Some funeral homes have more than one viewing room. They could display his mother in one and have the receiving line in another. That way, he wouldn't have to see his mother in a casket. The service could include a closed casket -- or none at all.

Another choice would be cremation with a memorial service afterward. Both arrangements would allow the husband the chance for a final goodbye without seeing Mom in the casket. Whatever he decides, the wife should accept his final decision. -- LAURIE IN NEW YORK

DEAR ABBY: Sadly, both of my parents passed away within two years of each other. Instead of a funeral we held a Celebration of Life Memorial Service. (They both wanted to be cremated, so we did not have to deal with a coffin.) Abby, the celebration was beautiful for both. We created slide shows and poster boards of their lives, told funny stories about them, and had people get up randomly if they had their own stories to share. Yes, it was sad because we miss our parents dearly ... but it has also been much easier dealing with our loss when remembering their service as a celebration of their lives. -- MISSING MOM AND DAD, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: I have made it clear to all of my family members that I will not attend their funerals if they go before I do. I stopped attending funerals the minute I was allowed to decide for myself around the age of 16 (I am now 40). Whenever I go to a funeral, the prevailing memory for me is the one of the person lying in the coffin. I no longer remember him or her as alive.

For the most part, my family has been very understanding and allowed me to grieve in my own way.

Pam should let her husband keep his memories of his mother in life and support him. Rather than worrying about him being there for his siblings, she needs to be concerned about being there for him. -- ROSEMARIE IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR ABBY: A funeral is for the living -- not the deceased. I lost my husband after a long illness a few years ago. His last wishes were to have no funeral so our children and I would not have to go through that. Instead, we celebrated his life with family and close friends -- including pictures and stories that we turned into a memorial biography of his life. As much as we miss him, this has been a much better means of coping for our family. -- CHERYL IN LAS CRUCES, N.M.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend, "Nina," whom I have known more than 35 years. I relocated 1,500 miles from her recently, and would like to invite her to visit me. The problem is, I want her to come alone. My husband and I have no desire to entertain her husband, "Sam."

Sam is a verbally abusive know-it-all on every subject who monopolizes every conversation, allowing no one else to get a word in. The few times we went out together as a foursome, my husband came home with a pounding headache.

How do I tell Nina I would love for her to come, but to leave Sam home? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but we will no longer tolerate his self-centered personality nor the way he treats my friend.

P.S. None of Sam's family will invite him to stay for the same reason. -- NO ROOM AT THE INN IN MISSOURI

DEAR NO ROOM: Try this: Invite Nina for a "girls' visit" -- perhaps to shop, spend a day at a spa, or just put her feet up and gossip. List whatever mutual interests you have that you can think of that would bore Sam to death. Also, try to invite her at a time when your husband might be away -- so there isn't the expectation that Sam "should" be included. If the situation is as you describe with Sam's family, he's used to it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a male who wears women's underwear, as well as skirts, shorts and nightgowns. I will soon be flying to Florida and will be taking a carry-on bag with me and checking another one.

Will security agents open my luggage and inspect the contents of each bag? I worry about being embarrassed and considered a "suspicious person" when they see what's in my bag. Abby, how can I lessen my chances of an embarrassing scene? -- WORRIED TRAVELER IN COLORADO

DEAR WORRIED TRAVELER: Please stop worrying about "an embarrassing scene." Airport security has seen it all -- and I do mean all -- and with the new scanners they'll soon be seeing even more. They are interested only in preventing contraband from being taken on the plane. Period.

P.S. Many men buy gifts of clothing for their wives or girlfriends -- and if you don't cross-dress at the airport or tell them anything to the contrary, inspectors will probably assume the same about you.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently filed for custody of my 6-year-old niece, "Ella." My mother has had custody for the last few years, but Mother is an alcoholic. I have tried to control various situations that arise, but I cannot let my niece be in my mother's care. I know what it was like for me growing up in that environment, and I want better opportunities for Ella.

My mother will be heartbroken, but I see no alternative. How can I explain this to my mother? I want her to get help, but she still doesn't admit that she has a problem. -- CONFUSED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR CONFUSED: If you have custody of Ella, it doesn't mean that your mother can't see or spend time with her -- when she's sober. But right now, your niece's welfare is more important than your mother's feelings.

Surely you are not the only person who realizes your mother has a problem with alcohol. Gather some allies and stage an intervention. All of you should tell her the effect that her drinking has had on those around her. That may be her "wake-up call," and may cause her to seek help.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)