DEAR ABBY: My husband, son and I live next door to my in-laws. My mother-in-law, "Hazel," has a set of keys to our house for emergency purposes. For some time she has been using the key to come and go as she pleases, "borrowing" food, dishes and toiletries when we're not home. When we discover the items missing, she usually confesses.

I am really irritated about it and have frequent fights with my husband over this and other privacy issues. How can I talk to Hazel in a way that won't hurt her feelings? She is very sensitive, and I don't know how to confront her since my husband refuses to do so. -- MISSING MY PRIVACY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR MISSING: Try this: Take your mother-in-law to lunch and over a nice, leisurely meal say (slowly and quietly), "Hazel, honey, I have a problem I need your help with. (Breathe.) When you come into the house and take things without asking, it makes me feel violated. (Pause.) Do you think you could please refrain from doing that anymore? (Smile.) I'd really appreciate it."

And if any more items turn up missing, quietly change the locks.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon and my father will be providing the alcohol for our reception. We plan to serve beer, wine and champagne for the toast. Because I will be wearing an ivory gown, I am opting to drink only champagne. I have a favorite brand, but because of our modest budget, Dad cannot provide it for everyone to drink.

I was going to buy a couple of bottles to have at our table for my wedding party, but Dad feels it would be in poor taste and thinks our guests may feel slighted in some way. My feeling is that it's our special day and people will understand. Am I wrong for wanting a nicer champagne than we can provide for our guests? -- BUBBLY BRIDE IN PISMO BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR BUBBLY: Let me put it this way -- if there is a chance that your guests would feel slighted if you get caught, then drink what they're drinking at the reception. Afterward, have a bottle of your preferred brand waiting in an ice bucket by your "wedding bed" so you can enjoy a special toast with your new husband.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school freshman with a dilemma. I'm a good student and get A's in all my classes. I'm also an athlete. I play year-round softball and have started playing soccer for the high school team.

My problem is I took a debate class over the summer and really liked it. I want to join the debate team, but I am unsure if it would be piling too much on my plate for my first year.

I'll be carrying one honors class in addition to two above-grade-level classes. Debate practices are held after sports practices two days a week for one to two hours, so they wouldn't directly conflict with anything except homework time.

Do you think I'm overestimating how much I can handle in extracurricular activities this year? -- TOO AMBITIOUS? IN OREGON

DEAR TOO AMBITIOUS: The fact that this is causing you concern could be an indicator that it is too much. That's why before making up your mind you should discuss this with your parents as well as your guidance counselor at school.

DEAR ABBY: I have gotten myself into a "pickle" and I don't know how to get out of it.

I rent a house with two roommates (both males) and have always followed a strict rule of not dating roommates or co-workers. One night, I came home after having a few drinks with friends. One of my roommates was up and we started talking. Then he started kissing me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and didn't object when he trotted me off to my room.

I do like him, but only as a friend. There are no sparks for me as there are for him. I don't want this to happen again, but I don't want to hurt him either. In an ideal world, I'd like to remain friends and roommates, not lovers. Do you have any suggestions? -- CAN'T BELIEVE I BROKE MY RULE IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAN'T BELIEVE: Yes, I do. You need to quit drinking or institute another "rule" that you'll stop at two.

Inform your amorous roommate that in the cold sober light of day you regret what happened and don't want to repeat it. It won't "hurt" him; it will let him know where things stand, and it's important that he get that message. If you do remain roommates, maintain some distance -- and don't come home "pickled" again because you know what could happen if you do.

DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in high school and have a friend, "Joey," who is gay. Joey saw another guy, "Eric," who he thought was cute, and he made me go over and ask Eric's friend if Eric is gay. His friend told me he is straight.

Eric lives in my neighborhood and we became good friends. He has asked me out and I would say yes, except that Joey said he likes him. Joey has never spoken to Eric and only likes him in an "appreciating" sense. And of course, there's the fact that Eric isn't gay.

What should I do? Does the "girl code" apply to your gay friends, too? -- CONFLICTED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONFLICTED: With the "girl code," girls agree not to date men another girl has her sights set on -- theoretically, because there is the possibility that he can be snagged if there's no interference. But in a case like this, where a gay person "appreciates" someone who is straight, the chance is remote to nonexistent. Out of consideration for Joey's feelings, talk with him about this. I'm sure he will appreciate your concern for his feelings -- and give you his OK.

DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Cecily" has been married for 30 years to a man the entire family thinks is wonderful. So did I, until I spotted him in a restaurant a few weeks ago kissing a woman half his age -- and who was certainly not Cecily.

I feel awful with this knowledge, but feel worse about ruining their marriage. Do I have a responsibility to share this information with Cecily because she is family? -- RELATED TO THE KISSIN' COUSIN IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR RELATED: How would you feel if Cecily spotted your husband of 30 years canoodling with a young woman in a restaurant? Would you want to be warned? If the answer is yes, then have a word with your cousin. It may not ruin their marriage; it might help to save it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Just Wondering in the Bay Area" (July 26) asked about proper protocol regarding dating after a spouse's death. A recently widowed man was dating a widow from his wife's circle of friends. The women were appalled and now shun the couple.

Many men and women who lose a spouse have finished grieving by the time their loved one dies, especially those who suffered through a long illness like cancer. Everyone grieves differently, some in private and some by sharing time with others. It is only natural that two people who have both lost a spouse would find comfort in each other's company; each knows the other understands what they've been through. Those who shared friendship before the deaths of their spouses have even more in common -- enjoying the fond memories without feeling threatened.

True friends would be delighted in knowing that friends who suffered such catastrophic losses had found comfort and happiness with each other. If this is the kind of friendship these women have to offer, I'd say John and Peggy are better off without them. -- SUSAN IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for sharing your thoughtful viewpoint. Most of the responses I received suggested that these women should have put themselves in their friends' shoes before shunning them. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband's first wife died about a month after my first husband, and after each of us had been married for more than 40 years. As members of the same church, we shared our experiences and began dating about two months after his wife's death. We didn't stop grieving; we grieved together. We were married 11 months later. No one realizes how devastating the loss of a spouse is until they have experienced it. -- MARION IN MCHENRY, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: My parents had been married more than 55 years when my father died this past May. Less than a month later, my mother was invited to lunch by a widower from her church. They are now an "item," and I couldn't be happier. My father was an emotionally and verbally abusive man who refused to change or get help for his obvious issues. My sibs and I are thrilled that Mom, at the age of 75, has finally found someone who will love and respect her and make her happy. -- HAPPY FOR MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: My grandfather remarried at the age of 94, three months after his wife died. The woman he married was a former neighbor. The relatives were in shock, but Grandpa was ecstatic! At his age, a month is valuable time, and he had the good fortune to "start again." I would consider it a compliment if my husband were to marry a mutual friend. After watching my grandfather celebrate life anew, I realized that his second marriage was a testament to his love for my grandmother. -- GRATEFUL IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: There is a saying in grief recovery which is appropriate: Women cry, men replace. In my experience, the happier the marriage, the more quickly men remarry. John and Peggy need support and understanding from their friends. They do not deserve to be shunned. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I believe that after one's mate has passed, the "contract" is null and void. It's how you lived your marriage that is significant. The speed at which you find someone to bring some joy into your life does not diminish the love of your late spouse. Life is too short for sackcloth and ashes. -- BARBARA IN PITTSFIELD, MASS.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)