DEAR ABBY: I lived with my best friend and her husband for a few months after moving to a new state. They recently went through a rough patch and she took a vacation to cool off. In her absence, and under the influence of a great deal of alcohol, her husband and I slept together. We decided it happened only because we were drunk and decided never to speak of it again.

The problem is -- it happened again, this time with almost no alcohol involved at all!

I'm reluctant to tell my friend about our trysts. I think telling her will do more harm than good. On the other hand, the guilt eats at me every day to the point that I cry over what I've done to her. Her husband doesn't want to tell her, ever. What should I do? -- TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL

DEAR TT OR NOT TT: Own your guilt. You've earned it. And confess your sin to your religious adviser. But if you feel that telling your friend will do more harm than good, remain silent.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20 years is kind, loving and well-respected. He is one of the greatest guys you would ever meet. We have a great marriage, rarely fight and have many things in common. My problem? When he speaks, he frequently says "youse guys," and it drives me insane.

I have a brother-in-law who uses "I seen" instead of "I saw," and I know it drives my sister crazy. How do we broach the subject with our hubbies without hurting their feelings, making them feel inadequate or angering them? I am not going to correct my husband in public, but when he says "youse guys" around our friends, I cringe. Help! -- LANGUAGE POLICE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR LANGUAGE POLICE: I'm surprised that after 20 years of marriage you would only now be asking for advice on how to persuade your husband to use proper English. My advice is to tell him you love him and ask if he would like you to help him lose the "youse." If he agrees, start reminding him when he forgets. But if he says no, leave it alone and concentrate on his many virtues. In the scheme of things, isn't his one flaw rather insignificant?

DEAR ABBY: I recently sent an expensive flower arrangement to a dear friend in the hospital to let her know how much she means to me.

When I went to visit, the flowers were not in her room. When I asked about them, she said she had given them to her nurse to display at the nurses' station. I'm assuming the gesture was to show her appreciation for the service they have given her.

I am disappointed and hurt because they were meant to bring her some joy. I understand that when you give someone a present the person has every right to do whatever he or she wants with it, but I wish she would have waited until she was discharged to give the flowers away. Am I wrong to feel hurt? -- DISAPPOINTED IN CLEVELAND

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: The problem with nursing a hurt in silence is that it may be based on an incorrect assumption, so clear the air with your friend. If you ask her why she gave her flowers to the nurses, she may tell you she thought they were so lovely she wanted to share them with everyone who came to the floor. And that would mean your bouquet has brought joy many times over, which is what I would consider getting a big bang for your buck.

DEAR ABBY: I recently gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby girl, "Cassie." I also just returned to work. I would love to stay home, but I cannot afford to financially. I am lucky that my best friend, "Mary Ellen," doesn't have to work and has offered to care for my little 8-week-old bundle of joy.

My problem is, every day when I go to pick up Cassie, I must wait for Mary Ellen to say goodbye to her. She has started instructing me about how Cassie likes to sleep, be burped and held. While I appreciate her watching and caring for my little one, I am Cassie's mom and I know what she likes. The time I have with my daughter is precious. I just want to pick her up and go home.

How do I tell my friend it upsets me that she feels she should tell me about how to care for my own baby? I feel guilty and sad that I must work, and her comments make it worse. I know she's only trying to help. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but what can I do? -- WORKING MOMMY IN BALTIMORE

DEAR WORKING MOMMY: Before your resentment grows any further, set Mary Ellen straight. Tell her you're grateful she can watch Cassie, but when you come to pick her up you want the baby ready to go. Tell your friend the time you must spend away from your daughter is painful and when she "suggests" how to hold or burp the baby, it makes you feel it's a reflection on your maternal ability.

If Mary Ellen gets it, things will improve. If she doesn't, make other arrangements for your child. Your friend may be becoming too attached to your baby and confused about her role.

DEAR ABBY: I run a successful restaurant business. One of my key employees, "Zayne," has Tourette's syndrome. He has been a loyal and valuable waiter for many years.

When customers ask what is wrong with him because he makes noises or hits himself, how should I respond? Most of our regular customers understand his condition and ignore it. However, we do get the occasional socially inept customer who gawks or asks rude questions.

I would defend and protect Zayne. He knows people ask about him, and if they question him, he tells them about his condition. What's the best way to respond politely to people who don't have a clue? -- ZAYNE'S BOSS IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR BOSS: If you are asked about Zayne, tell the questioner, "That's Zayne. He has been a valued employee here for many years. If you want an answer to your question, ask him."

DEAR ABBY: Every time my son and his wife get into a big argument, she kicks him out of the bedroom and has their 8-year-old daughter sleep with her. This has happened many times in my granddaughter's life.

Should I be concerned for my granddaughter, or mind my own business? -- CONCERNED GRANDMA IN FLORIDA

DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMA: If you're smart you won't insert yourself into your son and daughter-in-law's marital problems. They have enough of them without that. As to your granddaughter being invited to bunk with her mother when her father is in the doghouse -- I don't think it will harm the child. Hearing her parents squabble might, however.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My hardworking husband of four years, "Brian," loves to eat out three or four nights a week. It's nice not to have to cook, and I have become spoiled. He loves treating. We take along friends, family members or business associates.

The problem is, Brian wants to sit for two or three hours, have drinks and talk before he eats. He insists that I wait until he is ready to eat. Sometimes it becomes as late as 10 p.m.

I have a sensitive stomach and I need to eat early. I have eaten dinner early my entire life. If I eat late, my stomach goes into knots, and by the time we get home it's time for bed because I'm sleepy. Brian can sleep on a full stomach with no problem. I get acid reflux.

Brian expects our guests to adhere to his routine. Even when we have cookouts, everyone must wait for the entree. He says, "Well, they'll just have to wait. I don't want anyone to eat and run."

I put out appetizers, but it's not enough to hold them. If we don't wait, he gets angry and threatens not to have another cookout. I have explained that not everyone can eat so late.

Abby, what's your perspective on this? Who's right here? -- HUNGRY IN ARIZONA

DEAR HUNGRY: You are. It appears you married a hardworking, self-centered drinker with a need to control everyone around him. A generous host takes the needs and wishes of his guests into consideration. A selfish one behaves like your husband does. Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone who didn't have to would accept more than two dinner or cookout invitations.

You should eat something before going to dinner with him and do the same at home whenever you need to. If you don't, it could have a serious, negative impact on your health.

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago I made a horrible mistake. I broke the law and was convicted of three misdemeanors. I live in a small town, so the news became very public. I lost my job, many friends and my reputation.

I am still working to rebuild my life and find some sense of normalcy for myself and my family. I have been in therapy since the event and have learned a lot from this experience.

My problem is, my brother will not forgive me. He holds it over my head and refuses to support me in my efforts. He said I deserve whatever I get. I love my brother and am close to my other siblings. I don't want our relationship to be estranged, but I can't take his judgmental attitude anymore. What can I do? -- SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SIB

DEAR SIB: Because you are in therapy, discuss this with your therapist. I assume that having been convicted, you have paid -- or are repaying -- your debt to society. You are working to rebuild your life; you are doing all you can right now to get back on track. You are close with your other siblings, so work with that. Do not measure your worth through your brother's eyes. He may not be capable of forgiveness. And if that's the case, it's a reflection of who he is -- not who you are.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)