DEAR ABBY: Our daughter "Joy" is 20. Her boyfriend, "Danny," is 22. They plan to be married once they graduate from college. Danny is a wonderful young man who loves our daughter very much.

Danny's parents have an expensive home, two new cars, a boat and a vacation home. They do not help their son financially -- even with college. Danny works full time, attends school full time and pays all of his expenses. What concerns me is that he has a car payment, a school loan and is using a credit card to buy an engagement ring for Joy.

Joy and Danny would like a big, expensive wedding. Although we would like to do that for our daughter, we are reluctant about spending so much for a wedding, knowing that afterward they will have to pay off all of Danny's bills. Should we voice our concerns to our daughter or keep our mouths shut? We don't want to start out as bad in-laws. -- LOVING DAD IN UTAH

DEAR LOVING DAD: Your daughter's fiance appears to be a fine young man with a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. As a caring parent, by all means express your concern to both of them. And when you do, consider offering them the alternative of scaling down the wedding and using the balance of the money to retire some of his debt. I can't imagine a more considerate and loving gift than that for them.

DEAR ABBY: Please let people know how careful they need to be when referring someone, particularly for home improvement work.

I hired a man to do some repairs in my home. Before the job was completed, I was telling others what a great deal I got and handing out his contact information to people I didn't know well.

Abby, the man turned out to be a fraud, and have I ever learned my lesson. Please warn your readers not to refer anyone until they have been thoroughly checked out, the work has been completed and enough time has gone by to ensure there were no hidden problems with the person's work. In these times when so many people are trying to save where they can, there are crooks just waiting to prey on another victim.

I am sorry now because I can't contact these people to warn them not to do business with the man, and I'm afraid I have been instrumental in their being conned. -- TRULY REGRETFUL IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR REGRETFUL: I'm sorry you were taken advantage of, but pleased to have the opportunity to remind readers they should be careful about making recommendations until they are certain they can vouch for the person's ability and integrity. Anyone investing in home improvements should insist the person has good references and is licensed and insured.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man who is a widower. Our question is this: When a couple divorces, the two refer to each other as their "ex." But because his wife died, how should she be referred to? It doesn't seem right to call her his ex. -- CURIOUS IN PALM SPRINGS

DEAR CURIOUS: With anyone who does not already know that your friend is a widower, she should be referred to as "his late wife."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with people in our church congregation who want to greet me with a kiss. Please advise me on how to handle this delicate situation.

I don't want to hurt any feelings; these are nice people. However, lips carry germs, and I have a weak immune system. I have tried extending my hand in greeting, but one man smooched me anyway, saying, "I don't shake hands with girls!" Abby, I'm 70 and hardly a "girl," and I didn't appreciate his rejection of my handshake.

Do you think it will work if I tell him and others that I have a contagious disease that causes men's lips to dry up and fall off? -- DEANNA IN FLORIDA

DEAR DEANNA: No. It would be more to the point to tell your fellow church members that you have a fragile immune system and are susceptible to viruses -- which is why you prefer to shake hands. It's the truth. And if the man who smooched you continues to be a problem, talk to your clergyperson about it.

DEAR ABBY: I have met my soul mate. She has the same name as my ex-wife. How do we remedy this? It is driving me nuts! -- SCOTT IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR SCOTT: Remember when you were in school and there were several students in a class who shared the same name? Some of them would adopt a nickname. If it's OK with your soul mate, she can certainly do the same. But consider the upside for you. The fact that your new lady's and ex-wife's names match guarantees you won't ever slip and call her by the wrong one.

DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you might have a suggestion on how to handle cigarette smokers who ignore my requests to not smoke in my direction. I have severe allergies, and I also suffer from dry eye syndrome. Even after I have told smokers that their addiction worsens my condition they continue, assuming that by cracking a window the room is ventilated. -- FRUSTRATED IN TURLOCK, CALIF.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I do have a suggestion, one that is time-honored and effective. Safeguard your health by avoiding anyone who continues to smoke after having been told that it negatively affects you.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I married an old and dear friend. We have both been through marriage, divorce and difficult relationships. At last, I finally found the person I was meant to be with.

My husband's parents have been gone for several years, but I was fortunate enough to know them before they died. We went to visit their graves the day after our wedding, and I placed two pennies I had been saving on their headstone -- one dated 1968 for me and one dated 1963 for him.

Last week I received several pennies in change and dropped them into my wallet. When I fished them out later, I was delighted to see that one was from 1968 and the other was from 1963! I believe in my heart it's his parents' way of telling us that they are happy we are together. -- LUCKY BRIDE IN MAINE

DEAR LUCKY BRIDE: And I can't think of a more meaningful wedding gift you could have received from your late in-laws. May you and your soul mate enjoy many happy, healthy years together.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mom to my 10-year-old son. I have dated on and off for six years. My question is, how soon is too soon to introduce male friends who may become boyfriends?

I don't want to scare a guy away, and I also don't want to risk having my son become attached to someone who may not be in the picture long. -- YOUNG IDAHO MOM

DEAR YOUNG MOM: Does your son know you're dating? Do the men you're seeing know you have a child? Any man who would be scared off after learning you have a son isn't for you anyway.

Ten-year-olds today are not as sheltered as they once were. If you are seeing someone regularly, your boy may be curious to meet him. Some women wait until a man is ready to commit before making an introduction. Others wait six months to a year. There are no hard and fast rules. Play it by ear.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a sophomore in high school, and I really like this girl, but there's a problem. I never know what to say to her -- or any girl, for that matter. The right words never come to mind. All my guy friends are what I guess you would call "ladies' men," and I'm tired of everyone else making fun of me.

I have liked this girl for a long time but she's -- how do you say it -- "out of my league." I have seen her turn down guys just like me. What should I do? -- SHY GUY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SHY: Start talking to girls in general. Ask questions about school, athletic events, movies or television shows they may have seen. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will become. You don't need to put yourself on the line by immediately asking anyone out. Just try to get to know them and their interests -- and let them get to know you. If you do, your chances of a girl saying yes when you ask one out will be better.

DEAR ABBY: I have been having an affair for several years. I deeply love this man. I love my husband, too, but in a different way. I don't understand how I can love two men so differently.

The love I feel for my lover is unconditional. When we are together it just feels right. I love my husband because he's a good man and father who would do anything for me. In other words, I love the person he is, but not the man himself.

My lover is younger than I am, and married. He's my best friend and I can confide anything to him. I have met some of his family, and I suspect some of them know about us.

My husband and I tried marriage counseling, but I can't seem to have with him what I have with my lover. I broke off the affair in an attempt to work things out with my husband, but it didn't work. I don't know what else to do. -- TORN IN FREEHOLD, N.J.

DEAR TORN: Because ending your affair and marriage counseling with your husband weren't able to fix what's missing in your marriage, perhaps it's time to call it quits. Your husband has done nothing wrong, and frankly, he deserves something better than half a wife.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)