DEAR ABBY: I read your advice to "Getting Grief in Grants Pass, Ore.," (Sept. 11), whose father was reading her cell phone messages. You called his supervision "heavy-handed" and suggested she discuss it with him. While I applaud your suggestion to have a talk with her father, please reconsider the characterization that he was heavy-handed.

As a parent and high school assistant principal, I have seen too often the dangers of "sexting" and other illicit communications. Today's smart phone tells us all sorts of things that we as parents need to know. It also has connections to social networking and applications that allow teenagers to blindly send their phone numbers to anonymous users and have conversations.

The world has changed with this technology, and the attention we pay as parents must change with it. I strongly urge the parents at my school to check their children's phones and computers regularly. I suggest to parents to start doing it when their children are young and explain that it is part of their job as a parent. -- DAVE MILLER, NEW YORK

DEAR DAVE: Thank you for writing and reminding me that kids today face many challenges that had never been an issue for them in past generations. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The number of teens and children who engage in inappropriate sexting and texting is shocking. These behaviors can be evidence of sexual exploitation, harassment, bullying and teen dating violence. The results of this teenage behavior can be devastating and have lifetime consequences.

Kids sometimes are afraid to go to parents or other responsible adults to seek help when they need it; often kids may not even know they are in trouble or exposing themselves to danger by their behavior. How long do you think it takes a "sext" between a girl and her boyfriend to make it to a child porn website?

A cell phone is a computer, and parents are responsible for ensuring the safety of their children and protecting them from predators and others who might harm them.

If "Grief" is not engaging in inappropriate behavior, she shouldn't be embarrassed if her parents read the text messages. Abby, please use your column to help educate children, teens and their parents that a text/sext lasts a lifetime. -- PATRICIA DAILEY LEWIS, DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL, DELAWARE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE

DEAR ABBY: As a crime prevention officer, I regularly encourage parents to check a child's cell phone for bullying and sexting, most of which a child won't share with a parent. Especially if the child is the one who is using the phone to bully others, she certainly won't share her pictures with her parents.

Most children are unaware that state laws have not changed, and children who send pornographic pictures of themselves to others can be charged with distributing child pornography and may have to register as a sexual predator for the rest of their lives. Kudos to "Grief's" father for protecting his child not only from herself, but ensuring she is not hurting others! -- CHILD ADVOCATE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ABBY: Once young people enter the work force, their e-mail, use of company phones and profiles on social sites will be monitored by their employers. There are consequences for living in a digital world, and our young people need to understand that.

I do not agree with her father telling her if she doesn't want him to see something, she should delete it. Please don't encourage children to lie. It won't lead to anything good down the road. For young men and women who think this is a good idea, remember that nothing deleted is ever truly gone -- it can be retrieved.

Whether it's online, on a computer or a cell phone, act with decorum, use common sense, and you'll never need to worry about getting in trouble for your behavior. -- MOTHER OF TEENS IN SHARON, PA.

DEAR ABBY: I have a tattoo on my forearm. It's my deceased son's name, with angel's wings and a halo. Because of where it's placed on my arm, I wear long sleeves or three-quarter sleeves to work. If I feel it might "peek out," I wear an Ace bandage over it.

I am a bank branch manager and I'm sometimes asked, "What happened to your arm?" when the bandage can be seen. I feel telling the person I have a tattoo defeats the whole purpose of keeping it covered, and I don't want to lie. What is the proper response? -- TATTOOED FEMALE PROFESSIONAL IN INDIANA

DEAR PROFESSIONAL: Does having a visible tattoo violate the dress code at your bank? So many people have body art that it's no longer considered shocking. If no rule prevents it, I see no reason to hide it -- and if you're questioned about its significance, tell the truth. If there is a rule that discourages it and you are asked about the Ace bandage, just smile and say, "Thank you for your concern, but it's nothing serious."

DEAR ABBY: For the past few years, my "Aunt Maude" has given birthday, holiday and graduation gifts she has picked up at yard sales. These "gifts" are neither usable nor are they age-appropriate.

My sister "Hallie" is being married soon. We would like Aunt Maude to attend without feeling she needs to buy a used gift. Money is not an issue for her, but she thinks she is buying a personalized gift when, in fact, it's something that will be discarded. Our family would rather she attend with no gift than a yard sale item. What's the best way to handle this? -- BLUSHING BRIDESMAID

DEAR BLUSHING BRIDESMAID: The subject of wedding gifts can be a sensitive one. To imply that someone's gift is unacceptable would be extremely rude. However, a way to approach this might be for Maude's sibling to suggest to her that Hallie has already received more "things" than she can use, and that the most meaningful gift Maude could give her niece would be her presence at the celebration.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend says all his friends think I am "stuck up." He told me (loudly) that I come across as rude because I'm not outgoing enough. More than once, people have asked him what my deal is.

I am quiet and reserved when I'm around new people, but once I'm comfortable, I do open up. I know I can sometimes come across as being unfriendly, but the way he presented it to me left me crushed. Shyness can be misperceived, and I try to be nice to everyone. I'm loyal to a fault and the first to offer help to friends, family and especially my boyfriend.

While he had a valid point in what he said, I am now questioning the effect his approach has had on our relationship. Am I justified in feeling so hurt, or should I just suck it up? -- PICKED APART IN UTAH

DEAR PICKED APART: Sometimes it's not what someone says, but the way it is said that is hurtful. Because your boyfriend's tone was loud and angry, it's understandable that you felt attacked. If it happened in public rather than in private, he was tactless. But if you're going to have a relationship with him, his friends will have to be a part of it. And rather than scolding you, he should have explained to them that you need time to get to know them.

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DEAR ABBY: A woman driving the car ahead of me was swerving and weaving in and out of the next lane. She would slow down, then speed up, and I thought she might have been drunk.

As I pulled up beside her, I realized she was using sign language to communicate with her passenger. She would turn her head toward the passenger, signing with both hands and ignoring her responsibilities of being a good driver. Is this legal?

That woman was driving recklessly, and I don't think she should have been driving if she couldn't pay attention to the road. -- SAFE DRIVER IN LEXINGTON, S.C.

DEAR SAFE DRIVER: According to the Beverly Hills, Calif., Police Department, the use of sign language is legal as long as it doesn't interfere with safe driving. The state of California has a basic speed law that states: "No person shall drive a vehicle upon a state highway at a speed greater than is reasonable or prudent having due regard for weather, visibility, the traffic on, and the surface and width of, the highway, and in no event which endangers the safety of persons or property."

In the case you have described, the person who was signing to her passenger was in violation of this law. I'm sure your state has similar regulations.

DEAR ABBY: When my father-in-law, "Herb," comes to visit, he rummages through our personal belongings whether they be in the garage, basement or storage closet. He feels compelled to "fix" anything he thinks needs fixing or rearranging. I am certain Herb thinks he's being helpful, but we have addressed this issue with him many times and we're always met with defensiveness and lack of understanding. He justifies his actions by listing all of the good deeds he does for us -- some of which are legit.

My husband and I are at a loss. We love Herb and want him to be a part of our lives and the lives of our children, but this makes us very uncomfortable. At times, we even feel violated in our own home. Where do we go from here? -- HERB'S FAMILY IN WISCONSIN

DEAR FAMILY: Your father-in-law may feel so comfortable at your place that he has it confused with HIS place. From here, you install a lock on every door in your home that you do not want Herb to enter without supervision. And so he won't be bored, plan ahead and consider setting aside some projects that do need fixing, so he won't be sitting around with nothing to do that makes him feel useful.

DEAR ABBY: I recently had a dinner party in my condo. One of my guests brought along his new roommate, whom I had never met. During the evening, the young man kept placing his foot on my coffee table and rubbing the sole of his shoe over the edge and corner. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. After the party ended, I realized my coffee table had been damaged by what he did.

What is a polite way to tell someone to remove his or her foot from my table without causing a scene or embarrassing him? -- MITCH IN CHICAGO

DEAR MITCH: Offer the person a footstool or something to place under the offending foot that would protect your table. Or, take an even more direct approach and say to the person in a calm manner, "Please don't put your foot there because the finish on my coffee table is easily damaged."

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