DEAR ABBY: I'm dating a 15-year-old girl who was seriously physically abused in the past. She and her mom had to move away for a while, but have now been told by Department of Children and Family Services that it's safe for them to move back with her father, who abused her.

After seeing what goes on in this house and hearing her describe how they treat her, I think the physical abuse has changed to mental and emotional abuse. I'm not sure what to do because I'm 18 and it's "illegal" that we are dating. It scares me that they can use anything against me. -- WHAT TO DO?

DEAR WHAT TO DO?: You are not in a position to do anything yourself. If you try to get help for your girlfriend, her parents could create problems for you that would last a lifetime. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't encourage the girl to help herself by talking to a counselor, a trusted teacher or a clergyperson about the difficulties she's experiencing at home. If she does, they are mandated by law to report abuse. And this is a family that's already been in the system.

DEAR ABBY: I have been unable to ask "Mary" out -- or at least see if she's into me -- because we both work at the same place. I am not the type to be shy with my feelings, but with her it's different. When I see her, I forget everything else. It's as if my whole world stops when I see her smile. She's amazing!

I want to ask her out, but I'm unsure how to, considering that I am a woman. She does not know how I feel about her. What should I do? -- HAS IT BAD IN ARIZONA

DEAR HAS IT BAD: First, see if there are regulations in your employee handbook that discourage employees from dating. If there aren't, go slow and let Mary get to know you as a friend before trying to start a romantic relationship. And before declaring your feelings, be sure that a lesbian relationship is one that your co-worker would welcome.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of three years, "Sam," came home from basic training in the Army and told me he wanted to go active. (He was part of the National Guard.) He has asked me to go with him and I agreed, but in order to do that we have to be married.

I love Sam very much and we have talked about marriage before, but not elopement. He hasn't really "proposed" because he doesn't have a ring. We will be married, but without a real wedding -- yet.

I have no problem with this. It's a bit unconventional, but I love Sam and want to go with him. It will be an opportunity to travel, and I could finish my degree online.

The problem is, how would I define us as a couple? When we move onto the base, I'm worried people will see my ringless finger and ask questions. What should I tell them? And when we do have the actual wedding, what will that be called? -- DON'T WANT TO BE EMBARRASSED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DON'T WANT TO BE EMBARRASSED: Not all married women wear wedding rings, although most do. If you are afraid there will be questions if you're not wearing one, you and Sam might consider getting a used gold band to wear until he can buy you something else. If that doesn't appeal to you, then you'll just have to tell people that you are married and you have the license to prove it. (I doubt it will come to that.) And when you and Sam are finally able to have the wedding of your dreams, call it a renewal of your marriage vows because that will be accurate.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: How does one live peacefully and get along with one's in-laws? I understand that everyone has different ideas, morals, etc., and I feel we should all try to respect one another's differences. However, my in-laws make it extremely difficult to spend time with them.

How does one eat at the same table with people who eat with their faces an inch from their plates and chew with their mouths open? How does one tolerate their complaining about everything and everyone? How does one coexist with people who think they're perfect and the rest of the world is flawed?

I thought about giving them an etiquette book as a gift, but my spouse told me not to waste the money. -- BITING MY TONGUE IN ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR BITING: An etiquette book would help only people who recognize they needed to consult one. The way to deal with your in-laws is, first, to remember they did one thing right: They produced your husband.

Because their table manners offend you, visit with them after mealtime whenever possible. If you can't avoid it, keep your eyes on your own plate. When they complain, respond with something positive or tactfully redirect the conversation to another subject. When they present themselves as perfect, never disagree -- and see them as infrequently as possible.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years, "Bobby," is still technically married to -- and living with -- his wife and child. He says he "has" to stay there because his son has learning difficulties and needs his support.

Bobby wants to wait until his son is older and more stable. His wife is a shrew who is just there as a roommate. She knows all about our affair, but she wants to stay married. She says she still loves Bobby even though he no longer loves her.

This triangle is stressful for me and Bobby. Don't you think his wife should wake up and smell the coffee? Bobby and I want to get on with our life together without all of this baggage constantly interfering with your plans. What should we do? -- HIS TRUE LOVE

DEAR TRUE LOVE: The person who should be smelling the coffee isn't Bobby's wife -- it's you. You have invested two years of your life in a man who is as married as one can get. Bobby isn't going anywhere, and the sooner you accept that fact the sooner you can find an eligible man to spend your life with. This may seem hard to accept, but if you don't believe me, just give your "true love" an ultimatum.

DEAR ABBY: Does a woman consider a man's invitation to lunch as the next thing to his asking her to sleep with him? And what do others think about this invitation if the female mentions it to her husband or friends?

One etiquette book said, in effect, "If the lunch is not about business, it's about sex." Pretty severe, I think.

I asked a female co-worker to lunch for purely social reasons, but I have gotten reactions of derision from others about it. Can't a man ask a female to lunch without some sort of negative social reaction? -- LET'S DO LUNCH, MISSOULA, MONT.

DEAR LET'S DO LUNCH: In my book he can. And many do. To ask someone to lunch in the bright sunlight of high noon in a casual restaurant is hardly what I'd call a proposition. And I've never seen an etiquette book that implied that it is. It appears the "others" you have been telling have dirty minds and enjoy razzing you.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor "Marlon" and I have been "friends with benefits" for almost two years. We hang out every day and our kids are friends. We talk about everything. Really, we are best friends. We have attempted to hide our affair from our children (8 years old and under) and from our exes. Many of our friends know, but it is never discussed.

My problem is, Marlon recently mentioned that he wants to find a "good woman." It upset me because I'm in love with him. At the same time, he makes no effort to meet anyone. He is always with me -- when you'd think he'd be out trying to meet women. Although we agreed to be "FWBs," I don't want to be Marlon's security blanket. How do I let him know I want more? -- LOVES MY NEIGHBOR

DEAR LOVES YOUR NEIGHBOR: Revisit the subject with Marlon and ask him how many "good women" he thinks he can handle, because he already has one. It couldn't hurt to mention that you are in love with him and have taken your relationship seriously.

If one woman isn't enough for him, you will have to start looking for a good man -- one who won't monopolize your time and take you for granted. Please understand that if Marlon is serious about looking elsewhere for someone to settle down with, you cannot invest any more time or emotion in him.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 40s and voluntarily quit my job several months ago. My husband and I can afford it, and my job was making me miserable.

My problem is the reaction I get when I tell people. I hear, "Oh, how could you quit your job in this economy?" or, "Aren't you bored?" I volunteer as well as participate in social activities I didn't have time for when I was working. I feel my decision is no one's business, but what do you suggest I say to those who give me negative reactions? -- TIRED OF THE GRIEF IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TIRED OF THE GRIEF: Perhaps you should resist the urge to announce that you quit your job because it made you miserable. Few people can afford to do that these days, much as they might like to. When you are asked if you are employed, say that you are not. Do not be defensive. If you are questioned further, explain that you do not have a job outside the home, but that you do volunteer work for causes that interest you. If that creates a negative reaction, let it be the other person's problem and not yours.

DEAR ABBY: I became a grandmother a year ago. My son told me I have to join a social networking site if I want information about, or to see pictures of, my grandson. He claims I can find out all I need to know on his profile page.

Abby, I'm not asking for pictures to be sent in the mail, nor am I requesting constant calls about what is taking place. I'm not completely computer illiterate, but I do have an aversion to being grouped with everyone else. I am his mother, but I don't feel as though he thinks of me as someone special.

Am I totally out of touch with today's technology? -- OLD-FASHIONED GRANDMA IN MONTANA

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: You're not out of touch with today's technology, but you are out of touch with the place that it holds in the lives of people of your son's generation -- as well as many of your own. If you feel in some way disrespected by your son, work it out with him. But please do not allow this to be turned into a power struggle, because you will only alienate yourself from him.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)