DEAR ABBY: What's your opinion of having a double wedding and a double shower for two girls within the same family? Would it be appropriate to split the monetary gift since it combines the events? Please do not identify me because I have already expressed my dismay to another family member and was told that I'm the only person who thinks it is inappropriate. I need to know if it is socially acceptable. -- ANONYMOUS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR ANONYMOUS: My mother and her identical twin sister married in a double wedding. Because they did practically everything together, I wouldn't be surprised if they also had a double shower -- although I never thought to ask her about it.

Please remember that wedding and shower gifts are just that -- gifts. You are not compelled to spend more than you can afford, but there should be a separate one for each event that you attend.

DEAR ABBY: I work with another woman who always comes to the office in professional attire. She is lovely. My only problem with her clothing is that it's so devoid of color that it makes her appear incredibly drab and depressed. She wears all beige, all black or all white, which does nothing to enhance her beauty.

She is a quiet person, so I understand her not wearing flashy reds or loud colors, but a little bit would bring out her inner vitality.

Would it be presumptuous of me to suggest she might add some color to her wardrobe, or should I just leave it alone? Should I buy her a scarf to brighten up all those muted ensembles? -- SUFFERING IN BEIGE-LAND

DEAR "SUFFERING": If I were you I would tread carefully in this area. Your lovely co-worker may wear monochromatic outfits because she does not wish to draw attention to her beauty and inner vitality. If you are close to her, you might buy her a scarf and say you picked it up because you thought it would look wonderful with her beige suit. However, if she doesn't wear it, don't take offense and don't push the issue. Not everyone has the same taste in fashion.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old woman who has always believed in the adage "A smile is the only language that everyone can understand." Sometimes I will offer a quick, casual smile to people I encounter in a grocery store or other public place.

Last week, a woman frowned at me when I smiled at her. Another woman passed me with a puzzled look on her face. A young man's inflated ego allowed him to respond with a "No thanks!" after I offered him a smile. It's a shame that in today's world some people have become so ill-mannered that they cannot return a smile and accept it for what it is -- a friendly gesture. -- HAVE A NICE DAY IN BARGERSVILLE, IND.

DEAR H.A.N.D.: My mother used to say that the most effective cosmetic a woman can wear is a smile. In stressful times we don't see enough of them. The individuals you encountered must have been having a bad day. Allow me to share a wonderful thought penned by a gentleman named Robert L. Bass: "Warmth is a communicable disease. If you haven't got it, no one will be able to catch it from you." Please don't stop smiling.

TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: Today marks the first day of the Lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit -- so let's hop to it! -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been talking about many married couples who take showers together. In fact, he claims that most couples do. Our relationship in the bedroom has been great so far, and I'd like to keep it there. I don't want a twosome in the bathroom. Am I wrong to enjoy my privacy in the shower? -- SQUEAKY CLEAN IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR SQUEAKY CLEAN: Many married couples take showers together, and many don't. Among those who do, some find it arousing; others just enjoy the intimacy and having someone to scrub their backs.

If you feel your time in the shower is sacred alone time, you're entitled to your feelings. If an encounter isn't pleasurable for both parties involved, then it's usually not particularly satisfying for either one.

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister, "Janet," and I are very close. We live near each other and have many of the same friends. My problem is, Janet likes to share stories about our childhood, and our childhood was horrible. We were poor and homeless more than once. Both our parents were on drugs, and our father was abusive to our mother.

I have tried telling my sister that when she shares these stories, I not only find it humiliating, but also find myself reliving the awful experiences. Her response is to remind me that we're not those kids anymore. She doesn't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Is she wrong to tell these horror stories that involve both of us, or do I need to stop trying to forget? -- NOT LOOKING IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR

DEAR NOT LOOKING: Your sister is correct that your childhood is nothing you should be ashamed of. Both of you have managed to thrive in spite of the chaotic environment in which you were raised. However, for her to persist in raising a subject that you have told her is painful is insensitive -- particularly if she's doing it in your presence. You may have a shared history, but you clearly have different coping mechanisms, and she should respect yours.

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter was 14 months old, she had a serious accident while under my parents' supervision. They were not negligent. What happened could have occurred if I had been there. I rushed to the hospital, where we stayed for five days and, thankfully, my daughter recovered.

I was shocked and hurt that my mother never once apologized. When I brought it up, she said it's obvious she feels terribly guilty, that I know how devoted she is to my daughter and, therefore, an apology is ridiculous.

I know it wasn't her "fault," but I still feel the right thing to do in that situation would have been for her to say, "I'm sorry this happened. I wish I had been more observant." Is this superfluous? Are my feelings reasonable? -- EXPATRIATE NEW YORKER IN SAXONY, GERMANY

DEAR EXPAT: How old is your daughter now? How long have you hung onto your anger at your mother over this incident? You said there was no negligence on the part of your parents, and the accident could have occurred while your daughter was under your supervision. Do you know that your mother loves your daughter and feels terrible about what happened? If so, let it go, already!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: As a birth mother, I must respond to the letter from "Her Thankful Son" (Dec. 12). Nearly 26 years ago, I gave up my own son for adoption. It was the most devastatingly painful thing I have ever had to do. But I loved him enough to let him go because I was in no position to raise him myself.

To the young man who wrote you, I say: "Thank you" -- from me and all the birth mothers who carry holes in our hearts from having to let our children go on to better lives without us. My greatest fear was always that my son would end up hating me and not understand why I let him go. This man's letter has given me hope. -- WENDY IN DELAWARE

DEAR WENDY: "Her Thankful Son" wrote an open letter to his unknown biological mom, expressing gratitude for the life his adoptive parents have provided. As it did with you, his letter resonated with many of my readers whose lives have been touched by adoption. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Thankful Son," I felt a sense of relief. I had a son when I was 16 and placed him for adoption because I knew I couldn't give him the life he deserved. I was determined that his adoption would not be in vain and that I would become a better person because of it. I consider myself to be a better mom now because of him.

My girls know they have a brother out there, but I have explained it's not for me to seek him. If he wants to find me I would be thrilled, but I realize I gave up my right to him when I made my decision. I have no regrets. I think of him often and wonder if he's OK.

Reading "Thankful's" letter comforted me. If it is God's will, I will meet my son one day. I feel he will be proud of me for making something of myself and giving him the opportunity for a successful life. -- BRENDA IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: I am also an adopted child. From the time I was told at age 7, I wondered who my birth mother was and went through phases of anger and depression. I was blinded by my own ego and did not consider anything about her life.

When I was in my teens, a friend of mine became pregnant and was scared about what she was going to do. I lost touch with her shortly after and don't know what happened. I have since realized that my friend's situation could have also been my birth mother's. It changed my attitude, and I decided I'd like to meet her one day and tell her I care about her.

Several years later I got that opportunity, with help from my adoptive mom and a state agency. Meeting my birth mom and three younger brothers and sister was a very emotional moment for me, and I cherish it to this day. -- JAY IN MARYLAND

DEAR ABBY: You said you hoped "Thankful Son" could meet his birth mother. Why? As an adoptive mom of adult children, I feel just as happy not having the birth parents intervene in our lives.

Could I handle it? Of course. If my children had a burning desire to find their birth parents, would it be OK? Absolutely. Am I curious, too? Certainly. But I don't think you should encourage a search.

After all, these people are virtual strangers. They have different values and expectations, which all too often can lead to disappointment. At the very least, it's a weird experience. I think what adopted children really want to know is why they were given up and if they were loved. The answer to that last question, from this mom, is a resounding yes! -- THE "REAL" MOM IN MIAMI

DEAR "REAL" MOM: Why do I hope "Thankful Son" will one day be reunited with his birth mother? For two reasons: Many times the reunion brings both parent and child a sense of completion. It also provides an opportunity for the child to get a complete family medical history.