DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old son is terminally ill. My sister-in-law, "Anita," has a son who is a year old. Anita always wants to compete for attention between the two boys. She makes nasty comments to family members, suggesting that her son is ignored while mine gets all the attention. No one says anything to her because they're afraid of her "blowups."

I don't know how much longer I can live with this. It is hard enough watching my son slip away a little more each day, but having to deal with this has pushed me over the edge. How can I handle a crazy in-law in this situation? -- FALLING APART IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FALLING APART: Please accept my sympathy for the heartache you are experiencing. It's a shame that no one in the family is willing to point out to your volatile sister-in-law that the "annoyance" she's feeling is selfish and insensitive.

However, because no one is, it might be better that Anita be excluded from family gatherings in which she might feel her son is getting short shrift. And you should ask the person who is repeating her complaints to you to please stop sharing them. That should solve your problem.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man, but not happily. I have been taking the kids on play dates with a neighbor woman who has been kind enough to meet with the children and doesn't seem to care too much that I'm a guy. As you can imagine, most women will not bother to befriend a man they know is married.

She has two kids who are close in age to mine. She is 19 years younger than I am and lives with her boyfriend.

I have fallen in love with her. I know I can't tell her, and I doubt she feels the same toward me. When we part, we do hug each other. It makes me feel fantastic, something I haven't experienced for a long time.

Should I continue getting together with her or should I avoid her? I feel both happy and sad when I see her because I realize she is basically out of reach. -- PERPLEXED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PERPLEXED: You feel lonely and isolated. It is understandable that you would be drawn to whatever warmth you can get, but this young woman is not the answer to your problem. Call a halt to this relationship so that you can work on your real problem -- which is your unhappy marriage. Once you sort that out, everything else will fall into place. But continuing to see this woman as things are will only perpetuate your pain.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago I ran into an old friend at the spa. She told me to call her and plan to get together with her. I have called her, but she never seems receptive to actually getting together. She called me once and invited me over to sit by the pool, but that's been the extent of it.

We're both married with children and work part time. I feel as though I'm bothering her when I call since she never makes an effort to return my calls or accept my invitations. However, when we run into each other at events or the spa, she's chatty and friendly.

Should I stop putting out the effort? -- CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT

DEAR CAN'T: Yes. You've taken the first step, and the second. The ball is now in her court. Stop calling and let her make the next move. If she doesn't, she was probably making polite conversation when she suggested you get together.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter from "Craving the Cakes in Florida" (Jan. 30), complaining that her sister-in-law wouldn't reveal the secret ingredient in a late relative's pancake recipe. As a cook who has many of my own kitchen secrets, I'd be upset if one of my family members were to reveal them to anyone I didn't authorize. A promise is a promise, and it should never be broken!

Believe it or not, recipes are intellectual property. How presumptuous for "Craving" to expect her in-law to divulge a secret from the family's tradition. She should enjoy the meal when she's at her sister-in-law's, and work on developing her own mystery dish. -- STAYING MUM IN CHARLESTON, S.C.

DEAR STAYING MUM: Many readers agreed with you about the importance of keeping a promise. Some of them also were sure they knew the secret ingredient that made the cakes so memorable: buttermilk, ricotta cheese, nutmeg, vanilla extract, Irish Cream, Kahlua, lemon juice, oatmeal, yogurt, cinnamon, malted milk, cornmeal, sour cream and cardamom. (This is making me hungry!) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I obtained a recipe upon the death of an aunt who wouldn't share it until she passed away. I did not think she was selfish. I fondly remember her serving these cookies the few times a year we saw her.

I bake them for special occasions -- holidays, birthdays, graduations, etc. -- and mail them to family and friends out of state. The treats are special and everyone looks forward to receiving them. If everyone had the recipe, it would lose its distinction.

When I am no longer able to bake them, I will happily pass the recipe on to a relative to continue the tradition. -- BETH IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: I was taught a promise is sacred. Do you really think the in-law should sacrifice her honor over a pancake recipe? They may be delicious, but breaking my word would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. -- PROMISE KEEPER IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: A friend gave me a cinnamon bun recipe that had been in his family for as long as anyone could remember. About 15 years ago, his house caught fire and he lost most of his possessions, including that recipe. His siblings had misplaced it and the only person to have it was me.

Sometimes it's good to share something, if only with one other person. That way, treasures aren't lost forever. -- LISA IN RENO

DEAR ABBY: Because the relative had shared the recipe with "Craving's" sister-in-law, technically it was no longer a secret. If it was to be kept a secret, then shouldn't the relative have told no one? I feel the in-law is free to share the secret with a clear conscience. I'd like to know what it is, too! -- FOODIE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR ABBY: I think I know the ingredient in the hot cakes recipe. My daughter was co-owner of a small restaurant. Everyone begged for the secret of the waffles there. It was bacon grease in the batter. Not healthy -- but delicious. -- MARGARET IN WHITTIER, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I have been cooking for about 50 years. You can bet your boots the mystery ingredient is beer. That's how my daddy made them. Use it instead of water for really light pancakes. -- PATRICIA IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I'll bet the secret is the same as my family's: substitute half the regular boxed pancake mixture for ordinary white cake mix. Breakfast on our camping trips is always terrific with these fluffy treats. -- PANCAKE PAL IN LONG BEACH

DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a family-owned restaurant. Grandma used club soda instead of water in the pancake batter. The results? Perfection. -- LAURENE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ABBY: "Craving" should take a pancake to a retired home economics teacher. They can often discern the most mysterious of ingredients. -- SHARON IN NEBRASKA

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old gay man. On New Year's Eve, there was a block party on the street I live on. My neighbors, "Tim" and "Marie," are a good-looking 30-ish couple.

I was watching the fireworks when Marie sat down next to me and said, "Tim and I would like to get to know you better. How about we drop by for drinks some night after we put the kids to bed?" She said this while stroking my upper thigh with her hand.

I find the idea of being intimate with her husband appealing, but I have never "been with" a woman and I don't think I want to be. It seems to me the most prudent approach would be to pass on this opportunity, but how do I do it without offending or causing embarrassment for one of my neighbors? -- CAUGHT IN THE FIREWORKS, HOUSTON

DEAR CAUGHT: Does this neighbor know your sexual orientation? If the answer is no, just thank her and tell her you're not into threesomes. Because it has taken you so long to give her an answer, she probably won't be surprised that a liaison is not your cup of tea. However, if she does know, tell her with a wink: "Thanks for the offer -- I'm not into threesomes. But you can send Tim over anytime."

DEAR ABBY: After 30 years of marriage, my husband is more interested in watching politics on TV than interacting with me. We are, by mutual consent, no longer intimate -- but he totally ignores me. He will talk to anyone who looks his way, but he doesn't talk to me.

His idea of doing something together is driving around the countryside for four hours looking at the scenery. He'll lie on the couch and watch TV or read while I'm a few feet away and not say more than a dozen words to me all day.

I can't do this much longer. What do you suggest? -- NEGLECTED WIFE IN GREENVILLE, S.C.

DEAR NEGLECTED WIFE: Perhaps you should spend less time with your husband. Couples who spend a lot of time together can find conversation difficult because they have nothing fresh to bring to it.

Do some things with female friends so you won't feel so shut in and isolated. This way you will have more experiences you can discuss. Also schedule some diversions you can enjoy together that don't involve conversation. How about a movie or a play, or a volunteer activity you can both be involved in? If this doesn't help, then consider counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I don't understand why people need others to take sides in an argument. If someone is upset and wants to cut someone out of his/her life, why does that person expect family and friends to do the same -- even if the disagreement had nothing to do with them? Some of them lie to force the issue. I just don't understand -- especially because we're talking about adults. -- PUZZLED IN COON RAPIDS, MINN.

DEAR PUZZLED: They do it to punish (and isolate) the person they're mad at. However, if you make plain to the manipulator -- because that's what the person is -- that you will not be dragged into the middle of something that's not your business, you'll be better off.

P.S. What makes you think that all adults act like adults? Surely I'm not the only person who has seen a grown-up behave like a 5-year-old.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)