DEAR ABBY: My husband's darling mother died of cancer last summer. During the last month of her illness she was confined to bed, so we hired a nurse, "Lois," to cover the night shift.

The day after the funeral, my husband's father started calling Lois. Dad swore they were "just friends," but continued pursuing her despite our strong disapproval. Two months later, they were dating. Last Thanksgiving, our first holiday without Mom, he cancelled plans to be with us and the grandkids to spend it with "friends" -- guess who? On Christmas it was the same story.

This has hit my husband hard. Dad and Mom were married for 50 years. We have always had a close family, particularly at holiday time. Are we wrong to feel that Dad and Lois are disrespecting Mom's memory and to feel hurt and angry? -- GRIEVING IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for your family's loss. While it may appear your father-in-law jumped quickly into a relationship, it could be he grieved during the time his wife was ill and has concerns that his own time may be limited, so he wants to enjoy life while he can.

As to missing the holidays, being there with his wife of 50 years conspicuously missing may have been more than he could face. So please, try to be understanding because I'm sure your mother-in-law's death has been painful for all of you.

DEAR ABBY: After having a stroke, my mother spent the last few years of her life in a wonderful nursing facility. She was an accomplished gardener and enjoyed sharing her bounty. Instead of sending her a fresh flower bouquet for Mother's Day, I'd have some potted tomato plants delivered to her nursing home. On her death bed last year, she reminded us to water her tomato plants. Sadly, those plants outlived her.

I cannot think of a more fitting tribute to her memory than to encourage your readers to provide living vegetable plants for their senior relatives. Most nurseries or florists will accommodate your request and, perhaps, could be persuaded to donate a plant or two to a local senior care center.

The joy of nurturing a living plant will continue through the summer. -- CAROLE IN SAN CLEMENTE

DEAR CAROLE: What a sweet idea. Your mother appears to have been a generous and caring woman, and your letter shows the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, I was very popular and part of a large social group. That was three years ago. Since graduation, I have been dealing with an anxiety disorder. It has reached the point where I can no longer work, go to school or have much of a social life. I am currently seeking treatment.

Whenever I'm in touch with someone I was close to in high school, I am always asked where I'm working now or what school I'm attending. I feel embarrassed because of my disorder and often I don't respond because I don't know what to say. Any ideas? -- SPEECHLESS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR SPEECHLESS: You could say that you haven't been well and needed to take some time to recover -- or, if you don't want to reveal that much, say, "I decided to take some time to find myself," which is common and sufficiently euphemistic. And the surest way to find treatment for your anxiety disorder would be to tell your family doctor you need to consult a mental health professional who specializes in anxiety disorders. Once you find one, you can quickly return to the mainstream of life.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I shop in an upscale shoe store. On the past two visits there, a middle-aged salesman kissed my wife's hand when we left. I was surprised but not offended, considering it to be nothing more than an old-fashioned expression of courtesy. The man is knowledgeable, helpful and honest. My wife, however, disagrees. She says his gesture is forward and inappropriate and that I should resent it. Who's right? -- T.R. IN HOUSTON

DEAR T.R.: You are. The kiss-on-the-hand routine may be part of the man's sales technique. If he has done it before and your wife had no objection, then it's not surprising he did it a second time. What would she like you to do -- challenge him to a duel? If she felt the gesture was inappropriate, then she shouldn't have offered her hand to him a second time.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you will share the following tips for dealing with orphaned or injured wildlife. Once people understand how to handle an encounter with an injured animal they will make safe decisions and possibly have a positive impact on nature:

1. The animal may not be orphaned! Deer leave their babies hidden in clumps of bushes or tall grass while they search for food. A baby bird that has fallen from the nest can be gently picked up and returned.

2. If you find an orphaned or injured animal, be very cautious. Frightened animals and animals in pain will bite. Opossums, raccoons and other mammals can carry rabies.

3. Do not bring the animal inside to nurse it back to health and keep as a pet. It will probably need the care of a veterinarian, and it's illegal in most states to keep a native species without a license. Contact a wildlife rehabilitation center. Your local park service can point you to the nearest rehab center.

4. After any contact with an injured/orphaned animal, wash your hands and change your clothing as soon as possible. You don't know what germs the animal may be carrying.

5. Teach children about local wildlife. If they find an animal that is sick or injured, make sure they know they should tell an adult right away.

6. You can make a difference. Severely injured animals may not be able to return to the wild, but many rehab centers keep them as display animals and use them to teach the public more about them. Unless you are a veterinarian, you cannot accurately determine if an animal will survive or not. Animals that really have no chance will be humanely euthanized instead of left to suffer, which in a case like that, is the kindest thing that can be done. -- CARLY IN RICHMOND HEIGHTS, OHIO

DEAR CARLY: I hope my animal-loving readers will give your letter the consideration it deserves, because it highlights the fact that sometimes people -- with the best of intentions -- can cause more harm than good. If you encounter an injured animal, the wisest thing to do is contact animal control or a local shelter.

DEAR ABBY: My friend says if it weren't for sex, you wouldn't have enough material to write your column. I disagree, and have told him that you could still do your columns. What say you? -- TOM AND JERRY IN CINCINNATI

DEAR TOM AND JERRY: I say I could -- but it wouldn't be as much fun.

DEAR ABBY: I recently had a conversation with my married sister that left me speechless. While making plans to visit me for a few days, she asked if I could "hook her up" with any guys. I was shocked. Not only was it awkward, it left me feeling disgusted.

If a person is unhappy in his or her marriage, shouldn't the marriage be ended before looking for someone else? (By the way, my brother-in-law thinks they have a great marriage.)

A few days later, my sister informed me that her "boyfriend" had broken things off with her. I am dumbfounded! My sister will be coming to spend some time with me soon, and I'm sure this subject is bound to come up again. How do I handle a situation I find so offensive? -- DUMBSTRUCK DOWN SOUTH

DEAR DUMBSTRUCK: Handle it by telling your sister exactly what you have written to me. That should get the message across succinctly.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old girl with five younger siblings. It's tough to get along with everyone, but my 8-year-old sister, "Annie," is especially difficult. She doesn't get along with anyone.

Annie steals constantly. This has been going on since she could walk. She steals jewelry, makeup, toys, books and money. The only way to get these things back is by searching her room. Our relatives say she'll grow out of this, but it happens every day. She destroys and breaks the things she steals -- including projects and homework.

My parents have tried everything -- taking her things, grounding her, taking away privileges -- yet Annie doesn't stop. She lies and becomes frantic, and I'm worried something is wrong. None of us have ever behaved like her. What should we do? -- WORRIED SISTER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR WORRIED SISTER: The behavior you have described could be symptoms of a serious emotional disturbance. It won't be corrected until your parents understand what's driving your sister to steal and lie. If Annie hasn't already been evaluated by her pediatrician and a mental health professional, it should be done as soon as possible. Please show this to your parents.

DEAR ABBY: I recently agreed to support my neighbor as she participated in a charity walk for breast cancer. Through a mutual friend I found out that my neighbor rode a free bus for a portion of the 13.1-mile walk. She has since tried to collect the "donation." I have politely declined to pay, due to the circumstances. I feel I am justified since the donation was predicated on her completion of the walk. What do you think? -- STICKLER IN COLORADO

DEAR STICKLER: Is it possible that your neighbor rode the bus a portion of the way because she was unable to make it through the 13.1-mile walk? For heaven's sake, it's not as if she would be pocketing the money. Give her the donation in the form of a check made out to the charity. It's for a worthy cause -- and tax-deductible.

DEAR READERS: Today is Administrative Professionals Day, the day we pause to acknowledge and thank the diligent, caring, hardworking men and women whose efforts make the workplace function smoothly and efficiently for their employers. Orchids to all of you. Speaking as one lucky employer, I know I am truly blessed. -- XXX ABBY