DEAR ABBY: I was shocked and angered by the letter from "West Virginia Traveler" (April 16) on towel usage and tipping hotel housekeepers. His priorities and "knowledge" of hotel staff are seriously skewed. This man is taking his peevishness out on hotel employees who can least afford to take it.

The concierge is paid well to deal with disgruntled guests and make things right. The bellman gets tipped to carry a bag from the lobby to your room. If a doorman calls a cab for you, he gets tipped. If there is a restaurant, the servers are tipped.

The one person who is most critical to making your stay comfortable and pleasant is the maid/housekeeper. She is the one who makes sure you have a clean bathroom, fresh sheets and plenty of toilet paper. She does the grungiest job in the hotel, gets paid very little, is rarely thanked in person and is the last to be tipped. She needs these tips more than anyone else.

I make a point of tipping every single day of my stay, and I have always received the best room service imaginable. -- LUANN IN KEENE, N.H.

DEAR LUANN: Thank you for your letter. Housekeepers everywhere will be grateful for your support. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a housekeeper in a popular hotel chain. Our staff leaves cards in the bathrooms asking our guests to please conserve and hang towels for reuse if possible. Just because you can be wasteful, it doesn't mean you should. -- JENNIFER IN CANADA

DEAR ABBY: "Traveler" said not a single housekeeper has been "exceptional." What about the simple fact that housekeepers clean up his mess during his stay? They take out his trash, refresh his towels and replace used soaps and shampoos. Housekeepers vacuum anything tracked in, remake beds, wipe down the sink and bath/showers.

I can say from personal experience that many hotel guests wouldn't leave their homes in the condition they leave their hotel rooms, and sadly, they feel that it's acceptable. Housekeepers work hard to provide a clean and comfortable room prior to a guest's arrival, and strive to maintain that comfort throughout the guest's stay. In addition, they will fulfill any request within their abilities. I'd say this alone is pretty darn "exceptional." -- GUEST SERVICE REP IN UTAH

DEAR ABBY: Leaving a tip for housekeeping in a hotel is a matter of social responsibility/social justice. A striking majority of hotel maids are women -- many of color, invariably in a lower income bracket and, often, single mothers. They work extraordinarily hard for less than minimum wage in cities where the cost of living is much higher than their incomes. In other words, they are not paid a living wage. Consider it a "mitzvah" (a blessing) to leave a tip. It can make a difference between a family "getting by" and one that is drowning. This is about doing the right thing. -- AN M.D. IN MONTE SERENO, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: Why would someone make insulting remarks and then say, "I'm only kidding"? My husband constantly berates and insults me. Why does he want to hurt me all the time? Am I being too sensitive or is he being cruel? -- FEELING INSECURE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FEELING INSECURE: You're not being too sensitive; what your husband is doing is cruel. It's also cowardly. I don't know why he wants to hurt you. But the question you should be asking is not why he wants to hurt you, but rather, why you continue to tolerate it.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm desperate for guidance. I have no mentors to consult nor anyone with more life experience because I have no family left I can talk to anymore.

Five years ago, when I was 22, my father committed suicide. My mother and I were witnesses. His family blamed me for not trying to wrestle a loaded gun from him. (I know I did the right thing.) Dad's family cut Mother and me off completely.

Mom always had a problem with drinking, but it became worse after Dad killed himself. The last five years have been spent putting my life on hold to pick up the pieces. Mom loses jobs for being drunk, is all but blacklisted in the city she lives in and is often short of rent money. If I give her money to pay her rent, she blows it on alcohol. She'll sleep with strangers for money when she's facing eviction.

It kills me knowing the mother who loved me is going to eventually end up on the street, but I can't be her mother anymore. I didn't have a childhood because I was always dealing with her alcoholism, and Dad's, too. I can't bear the thought of her homeless and hungry, but I know picking her up only enables her drinking. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -- DESPERATE FOR GUIDANCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DESPERATE: You are a caring and dutiful daughter, but the burden you have assumed will crush you if you don't put it down. No one can save someone who doesn't want to be saved or isn't ready to be. Until your mother realizes she needs help for her addiction, she'll continue on the path her drinking is leading her.

It is extremely important for your emotional well-being to let go of your guilt for being unable to "mother your mother." An excellent place to begin would be to attend some Al-Anon meetings. There you will find support from friends and relatives of alcoholics who help each other through the same trials you are experiencing. The meetings are free and confidential. To find one in your area, call (888) 4AL-ANON ((888) 425-2666). Someone will always answer during business hours Eastern time. Or, visit the website at Al-AnonFamilyGroups.org.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is having a baby, and we're wondering if there is an acceptable way to let people know that she wouldn't mind getting used items as gifts -- especially the "big" things. No one in our family is well off, but this is her first child and she does need stuff.

Would a note in the shower invitation be tacky? In this money-saving time, I think our idea is a good one. How do we convey the message? -- LIKES "LIKE-NEW" IN OHIO

DEAR LIKES "LIKE-NEW": I'm glad you asked, because a note in the shower invitation would be tacky. The way that message should be conveyed is verbally, when prospective guests ask what the mother-to-be needs.

However, before your sister uses a secondhand toy or nursery equipment, it would be a good idea to check the website run by the Consumer Product Safety Commission to make certain the item hasn't been the subject of a safety recall. (More than 300 products of various types are recalled each year.) The website to visit is � HYPERLINK "http://www.recalls.gov" ��www.recalls.gov�.

DEAR ABBY: I met "Angie" on a dating site not long ago. She's an intelligent, open-minded woman. So when one of our first conversations turned to sexual preferences, I felt at ease revealing one of my "likes" to her even though I didn't know her well.

Today when we were talking, Angie mentioned that she had asked her girlfriend about her experiences with what I had discussed. Clearly her intent wasn't to gossip, but nevertheless, I felt betrayed. I had discussed a personal part of myself in a private conversation, and she had divulged what I had said to someone without asking me.

Now I'm not sure I want to continue talking to her. Confidence is an essential part of any relationship beyond a casual friendship, and I don't want her friends being privy to everything that goes on between me and her, even on a "promise not to tell anyone" basis.

On the other hand, Angie seemed concerned when she realized I was upset, and her intentions were not malicious. Should I move on? If not, how do I discuss my feelings with Angie without being confrontational? -- WANTS IT PRIVATE IN TEXAS

DEAR WANTS IT PRIVATE: Angie is not only open-minded, she is also open-mouthed when discussing intimate matters. She and her girlfriend talk about their sexual preferences and activities, or she wouldn't have known that her friend has had the experience you discussed.

If you prefer your sex life kept private, move on because Angie isn't likely to change. If you are so attracted to her that you're willing to have your private life become an open book -- continue confiding in her because it will happen. Let this be a lesson about opening the door to your innermost secrets so quickly in the future.

DEAR ABBY: It's the time of year when preschool and elementary school teachers receive so many tokens of thanks we don't know what to do with them.

Why not give a gift that will really be appreciated -- and from which everyone will benefit? Let your child help pick out a book for the teacher's classroom library. The kids know what is already there and can be involved in finding something new and exciting. It will also help them understand how important reading is to you. Most teachers can always use a new addition to their bookshelf. -- READING IS FOR EVERYONE

DEAR R.I.F.E.: I love your suggestion. Reading is for everyone, and a way to convey that message is for parents of preschool and elementary schoolchildren to read to them and with them every day.

DEAR ABBY: While going through some old greeting cards, I read the messages written by our children when they were kids. I thought I would send them back -- one for each occasion -- as a reminder of good things from the past.

It seems some children blame their parents, but forget all the good that happened in their lives. Seeing an old card may be a positive reminder. -- RECYCLING WITH A TWIST

DEAR RECYCLING: Maybe, maybe not. If you're having problems with your adult children, my advice would be to resolve those issues in a forthright manner. Do not attempt to "guilt" them, because it's manipulative and could backfire.

However, if you are determined to send the cards, be sure to write something on each one about reconciliation that carries a positive message.