DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old, stay-at-home mom with a 17-year-old and a 14-year-old. Three weeks ago, on my birthday, I found out that I am pregnant. Forty and pregnant --- it is truly a miracle. My husband, who is almost 50, is in complete shock.

He has looked like a ghost since he found out. I finally had an emotional meltdown and told him I don't feel like he's very happy for our unexpected bundle. His reply? "Sorry, Hon, I'm not!" He thinks he's too old.

My older child has said only one sentence to me since I told her the news: "You're going to be an old mom." They feel I have ruined their lives. I feel ... happy. How do I get them to warm up to this new addition to the family? -- OLD MAMA IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR "OLD" MAMA: According to the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth by the Guttmacher Institute, in 2001, 49 percent of pregnancies in the United States were unintended. Among women aged 15 to 44, the unintended pregnancy rate was 51 per 1,000 women.

So remind your husband that this pregnancy didn't happen "magically"; he was an equal partner. He may have had other plans in mind for the next 20 years than raising another child, so his feelings are understandable. While it would be nice if he felt differently about the latest addition to the family, he might perk up if you point out that there are many older dads these days, and many older moms, too.

As to your daughter's attitude, she will be out of the house and gone soon, so don't take personally that she's not over the moon about the changes that are coming. If you maintain a positive attitude, your enthusiasm will be contagious.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

My husband, "Todd," is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week. I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!

My best friend, "Mavis," has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week. Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement? -- NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX

DEAR NEEDS A BREAK: Please find another way to take a break. What you're contemplating would likely be the beginning of the end of your marriage. You may think you'd be "safe" because Mavis isn't pretty, but to quote Benjamin Franklin, "In the dark, all cats are gray." If you're tired, let Mavis help with the chores -- but not this one.

DEAR ABBY: I wish there was some way to make families understand that because someone has been widowed, we don't stop caring about them. So why do they stop inviting us to family functions? Is it because they didn't care for us in the first place? -- LEFT OUT IN IOWA

DEAR LEFT OUT: There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer to your question. However, I suspect that in many cases it's because the widow's presence is a painful reminder of the family member who is "missing."

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DEAR ABBY: My wife is a wonderful woman who did a great job of rearing our large family, but our house was often too cluttered to suit my mother who, in those years, was judgmental and critical of my wife.

Years later, things have changed. My father passed away, the kids are grown and gone, and my mother is growing more lonely and needy every day. She now wants to spend time with us, but because she never developed a close friendship with my wife, my wife tolerates her but doesn't welcome her.

I love them both, but I'm becoming frustrated having to constantly choose and juggle schedules so I can keep Mom's feelings from getting hurt. Abby, please tell mothers-in-law to build bridges while they can. Someday it may be too late. But any advice for me? -- SPREAD THIN IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR SPREAD THIN: Your cautionary tale deserves space in my column. When your wife joined the family, instead of building bridges, your mother dynamited them. It's not surprising your wife feels the way she does at the prospect of spending time with her mother-in-law. Of course, while some degree of compromise is necessary, your mother should also be encouraged to find activities and contemporaries whose company she can enjoy without expecting you to entertain her. And the person to do that is you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman in my mid-40s. Over the years I have diligently exercised, eaten right and taken good care of my skin. I keep my hairstyle and clothing up-to-date.

I am constantly taken to be much younger than I am. While some of my peers may be jealous of this "problem," I find it extremely annoying. It's especially bothersome in a business situation when someone my age or slightly older treats me as though he/she could be my parent.

I am not inclined to broadcast my age. Is there a professional way to deal with their condescending attitude? -- LOOKS YOUNGER, BUT ISN'T

DEAR LOOKS YOUNGER: Yes. First, take the chip off your shoulder. Then recognize that your colleagues may not be condescending; they may be trying to be helpful. Accept the suggestions they offer without becoming defensive. The more of themselves these "mentors" invest in you, the happier they'll be about your successes.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of almost a year and I have discovered a great technique to avoid screaming at each other in an argument. When we get aggravated with each other, one of us goes to the refrigerator, takes out one of our favorite candy bars (we keep a supply in there) and we split it. By the time we're done eating the candy, we can calmly discuss our disagreement.

This helps because we literally take a break from the situation and share a mutual joy. It works because we both love chocolate so much. We wanted to share this solution with your readers. -- SWEET TOOTH IN ANGLETON, TEXAS

DEAR SWEET TOOTH: Ingenious. The two of you have discovered yet another reason why chocolate is good for the heart. I hope as time goes by you'll sustain a high level of compatibility because otherwise you're going to weigh a ton.

DEAR ABBY: Memorial Day is not about war; it's about people. It's about those dedicated individuals -- most of them young -- who died serving their country and their fellow Americans as well as future generations. In other words, all of us.

We Americans are at our best when we come together bonded by a noble purpose. And that's the reason for the National Moment of Remembrance on Memorial Day.

Abby, your patriotism and compassion have helped us in our effort to unite the more than 311 million Americans who live in this land of the free and home of the brave. Please remind your millions of readers to come together by pausing for a moment at 3 p.m. local time, wherever they are, to acknowledge the sacrifice of our fallen.

Unfortunately, too many of our citizens forget to remember. I am determined to find ways to help America continue to pay tribute to the nearly 2 million men and women who have died for us. Our freedoms should remind us of their sacrifice and our debt to them.

It is our duty to never forget them, to keep them in our hearts and in our actions. They were the best of the best -- the pride of the USA. We owe them the commitment to reflect on what they did and to put remembrance into action. This means to give back to our country and to live honoring them every day, not just on Memorial Day.

Thank you for all you do to honor America's heroes. -- CARMELLA LASPADA, FOUNDER, NO GREATER LOVE

DEAR CARMELLA: You're welcome. I hope readers will heed your request to offer a silent tribute this afternoon to the men and women who have given their lives in the service of this country. Considering the magnitude of their sacrifice, it's the least we can do.

To all of my friends out there -- please join me, as well as the iron workers, sheet metal workers, firefighters and painters unions and thousands of AFL-CIO members who have supported the Moment since its inception, in a moment of silence at 3 p.m. Today, as in the past, major league baseball games will stop, customers and staff will pause in more than 30,000 grocery stores throughout the country, and, of course, personnel serving in the military around the world will observe it, too. To learn what others are doing today, visit www.ngl.org.

May our fallen rest in peace; may our country once again live in peace as well.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter visited us for a week with her two children. The older one, "Wendy," age 9, was always "finding" money -- in the parking lot, the driveway and other places. After they left, we discovered cash missing from our car and the savings jar in our house.

I called my daughter to inform her of our discovery, and in a nonchalant, what's-the-big-deal voice she said, "OK, Dad, how much did she take? I'll write a check."

I told her the money isn't the problem. The fact that Wendy is stealing is the problem. My daughter thinks I'm attacking my granddaughter and is no longer speaking to me. What should I do? -- TAKEN BY SURPRISE IN OHIO

DEAR TAKEN BY SURPRISE: Clearly your phone call wasn't the first time your daughter has heard that Wendy has stolen. Whether the problem is lack of character, lack of parenting or an emotional issue, the child needs professional help. But unless her mother is willing to do more about it than write a check, there is nothing you or I can do to help your granddaughter. (If no corrective action is taken, I predict Mom will be writing bigger and bigger checks.)

You did the responsible thing by informing your daughter. As to what to do next, if they visit again, put any valuables under lock and key.