DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from "Not Fooled in Michigan" (April 22), who expressed concern about her fiance's daughter's reliance on him to proofread her college papers. As a teacher, I know when I assign a paper that the spelling and grammar will likely be checked by a computer or a person other than a student. Whether it's the campus proofreading service or a parent is immaterial. Would "Fooled" have the same "ethical" objections if "Kimberly" were using the campus office to provide the same service?

What matters is the content of her essays, which the girl is apparently writing by herself -- and incidentally, completing in enough time to send them to a proofreader and await a response. That suggests a more developed sense of responsibility than is common among my students.

I see no ethical dilemma here, and I find it disingenuous of "Not Fooled" to suggest otherwise. As for Kimberly's "unhealthy" reliance on her dad, the aforementioned campus services are, in my experience, generally staffed with underpaid undergraduates or overworked teaching assistants. If her dad has the knowledge and time to assist her, I see nothing wrong with her asking for his help. That's not over-reliance on a parent. It's choosing the best of one's available options. -- TEXAS TEACHER WHO KNOWS

DEAR TEACHER: Thank you for writing. I received a huge number of responses to that letter -- from teachers, parents and students alike. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The fiancee needs to determine which class the papers are for before calling foul. If it's a composition class in which the student is graded on spelling and grammar, then no, Dad shouldn't fix them, but he can advise. It's called being a parent, and "Not Fooled" better become accustomed to the idea of sharing his attention.

If it's something like a history class, editing assistance shouldn't be a problem. All good writers have editors to help with mechanics because after looking at a piece for too long, you no longer see the errors. -- CYNDI IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: As a college student, I frequently read papers by students whose grammar training was less rigorous than mine. The university does not consider that cheating, and we are advised by our professors to do so. It is not their job to teach us grammar. They are trying to teach their material.

"Not Fooled" needs to relax, get a better understanding of today's university system, and learn to trust her future stepdaughter while encouraging parent-child communication. -- HANNAH IN CHICAGO

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 43-year-old college student. I always send my siblings my essays before I turn them in, not just to proofread, but for their opinions of my writing. I would bet this is why the daughter sends her work to her father.

My daughter is still in high school, but I hope she continues to seek my opinion on her essays in the future. It has prompted many valuable and intriguing discussions, some of which have helped us to understand each other better as she transitions to adulthood. There's nothing "unhealthy" about an 18-to-22-year-old college student asking her dad to help with a paper. What's unhealthy is a future stepmom taking issue with it. It appears she has some underlying jealousy. -- MOM GRADUATING WITH HER KID

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps the daughter is simply making her father feel useful by including him in her life with this simple act. His fiancee should become more involved in the parenting process if she intends to stick her nose there. I can think of worse situations than this example of a parent being a parent. I wish there were more dads like him. -- RACHAEL IN SOUTHWEST GEORGIA

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old, stay-at-home mom with a 17-year-old and a 14-year-old. Three weeks ago, on my birthday, I found out that I am pregnant. Forty and pregnant --- it is truly a miracle. My husband, who is almost 50, is in complete shock.

He has looked like a ghost since he found out. I finally had an emotional meltdown and told him I don't feel like he's very happy for our unexpected bundle. His reply? "Sorry, Hon, I'm not!" He thinks he's too old.

My older child has said only one sentence to me since I told her the news: "You're going to be an old mom." They feel I have ruined their lives. I feel ... happy. How do I get them to warm up to this new addition to the family? -- OLD MAMA IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR "OLD" MAMA: According to the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth by the Guttmacher Institute, in 2001, 49 percent of pregnancies in the United States were unintended. Among women aged 15 to 44, the unintended pregnancy rate was 51 per 1,000 women.

So remind your husband that this pregnancy didn't happen "magically"; he was an equal partner. He may have had other plans in mind for the next 20 years than raising another child, so his feelings are understandable. While it would be nice if he felt differently about the latest addition to the family, he might perk up if you point out that there are many older dads these days, and many older moms, too.

As to your daughter's attitude, she will be out of the house and gone soon, so don't take personally that she's not over the moon about the changes that are coming. If you maintain a positive attitude, your enthusiasm will be contagious.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

My husband, "Todd," is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week. I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!

My best friend, "Mavis," has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week. Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement? -- NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX

DEAR NEEDS A BREAK: Please find another way to take a break. What you're contemplating would likely be the beginning of the end of your marriage. You may think you'd be "safe" because Mavis isn't pretty, but to quote Benjamin Franklin, "In the dark, all cats are gray." If you're tired, let Mavis help with the chores -- but not this one.

DEAR ABBY: I wish there was some way to make families understand that because someone has been widowed, we don't stop caring about them. So why do they stop inviting us to family functions? Is it because they didn't care for us in the first place? -- LEFT OUT IN IOWA

DEAR LEFT OUT: There isn't a one-size-fits-all answer to your question. However, I suspect that in many cases it's because the widow's presence is a painful reminder of the family member who is "missing."

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DEAR ABBY: My wife is a wonderful woman who did a great job of rearing our large family, but our house was often too cluttered to suit my mother who, in those years, was judgmental and critical of my wife.

Years later, things have changed. My father passed away, the kids are grown and gone, and my mother is growing more lonely and needy every day. She now wants to spend time with us, but because she never developed a close friendship with my wife, my wife tolerates her but doesn't welcome her.

I love them both, but I'm becoming frustrated having to constantly choose and juggle schedules so I can keep Mom's feelings from getting hurt. Abby, please tell mothers-in-law to build bridges while they can. Someday it may be too late. But any advice for me? -- SPREAD THIN IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR SPREAD THIN: Your cautionary tale deserves space in my column. When your wife joined the family, instead of building bridges, your mother dynamited them. It's not surprising your wife feels the way she does at the prospect of spending time with her mother-in-law. Of course, while some degree of compromise is necessary, your mother should also be encouraged to find activities and contemporaries whose company she can enjoy without expecting you to entertain her. And the person to do that is you.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman in my mid-40s. Over the years I have diligently exercised, eaten right and taken good care of my skin. I keep my hairstyle and clothing up-to-date.

I am constantly taken to be much younger than I am. While some of my peers may be jealous of this "problem," I find it extremely annoying. It's especially bothersome in a business situation when someone my age or slightly older treats me as though he/she could be my parent.

I am not inclined to broadcast my age. Is there a professional way to deal with their condescending attitude? -- LOOKS YOUNGER, BUT ISN'T

DEAR LOOKS YOUNGER: Yes. First, take the chip off your shoulder. Then recognize that your colleagues may not be condescending; they may be trying to be helpful. Accept the suggestions they offer without becoming defensive. The more of themselves these "mentors" invest in you, the happier they'll be about your successes.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of almost a year and I have discovered a great technique to avoid screaming at each other in an argument. When we get aggravated with each other, one of us goes to the refrigerator, takes out one of our favorite candy bars (we keep a supply in there) and we split it. By the time we're done eating the candy, we can calmly discuss our disagreement.

This helps because we literally take a break from the situation and share a mutual joy. It works because we both love chocolate so much. We wanted to share this solution with your readers. -- SWEET TOOTH IN ANGLETON, TEXAS

DEAR SWEET TOOTH: Ingenious. The two of you have discovered yet another reason why chocolate is good for the heart. I hope as time goes by you'll sustain a high level of compatibility because otherwise you're going to weigh a ton.