DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Zoe" is unable to have children. She tried in vitro four times without success. The doctors told her there's nothing else they can do. Her uterus is not able to carry a child to term.

Zoe and her husband have decided to adopt. However, it is very expensive and all of their savings went toward the IVF treatments. Zoe's mom wants to have a benefit to raise money for them. I am against the idea because, in my opinion, benefits are given for something you don't choose (like cancer or a house fire). Adopting a child is a choice.

I live paycheck-to-paycheck as it is, and I don't feel comfortable donating to this cause. What if they change their minds after the benefit or the adoption doesn't work out? What will they do with the money then?

Is what they're planning acceptable? Am I wrong to feel this way? I know I'll be talked about by Zoe and her mother if I don't contribute. -- FRIEND IN CONFLICT

DEAR FRIEND IN CONFLICT: Whether Zoe and her mother retaliate by gossiping about you is beside the point. I see nothing wrong with a benefit.

If Zoe and her husband can't afford to adopt a baby, another option they might consider is becoming foster parents. There are thousands of children who need good homes and loving parents and that, to me, would be the perfect solution. Please suggest it to them. If you are living paycheck-to-paycheck, then you do not have money to donate to this cause or any other right now.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 19-year-old student who works. Recently, I was talking with a co-worker about life, the economy and tough times. As we conversed I mentioned that I use hand soap as shampoo and body wash to save money. A few days later, during my lunch hour, I found grocery bags containing toiletries in the back of my vehicle. I didn't say anything about it to him, but he mentioned "seeing someone" put something in my car.

I feel uneasy about this. I didn't mean to throw a pity party. I'm unsure whether to accept this "anonymous" gift. It was a nice gesture, but I don't want it to become a regular occurrence. Should I say something? -- HAVE MY PRIDE IN ARIZONA

DEAR HAS YOUR PRIDE: Yes. Write your co-worker a short note, thanking him for his generous gift. Then say you think he is caring and thoughtful, but you are accepting his gift only as a onetime gesture.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend, "Harold," passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Since we knew his wishes, he was cremated. Harold always hated having his picture taken, so the only photo available for display at his memorial was his driver's license photo, and he looked like a deer in the headlights.

I wish we'd had a few candid shots of Harold to remember him by. I would have loved to have kept one for myself. Please urge your camera-phobic readers to permit family and friends to snap a shot or two of them every once in a while, before it's too late. Thanks. -- MISSING HIM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MISSING HIM: Please accept my condolences. The fear that the only picture available for their memorial would be a driver's license photo (or a mug shot) may convince my camera-shy readers to relent. But don't count on it.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

DEAR ABBY: When I go out to eat with my girlfriends, I usually enjoy myself until it comes time for dessert. Then I get grief if I don't order any and they do. They'll say, "Oh, you're so tiny. You can eat it." Conversely, if I do order something, they tell me, "Well, I'd love some but my metabolism isn't as high as yours."

I have never made comments to them about calorie counting, needing to work out or concern about my weight. I feel fitness is a private matter, and I'm not comfortable with mine being the topic of discussion. Is there any way to respectfully and tactfully respond to their comments or redirect the conversation? -- TAKES THE CAKE IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.

DEAR TAKES THE CAKE: The way you said it in your letter is perfect: "I feel fitness is a private matter and I'm not comfortable with mine being the topic of discussion." Either state it when they comment on what you have ordered, or say it privately to each of your friends when you're away from a restaurant. If they are friends, they'll respect your feelings.

DEAR ABBY: Is it weird to not want to sleep in the same bed with my husband? We have an amazing, caring, fun relationship -- but when it comes to sleep, I need my space while he prefers to cuddle all night. I always end up trying to push him over to his side, or telling him to please move. I know he gets offended because he's just trying to be close.

Abby, when I'm in bed with him I hardly get any sleep! He's always on my side and I can't move. It bothers me so much I end up sleeping on the couch.

Is this a bad sign for our marriage? Should I just stick it out for his sake? Our marriage is pretty close to perfect except for this one thing. -- NEEDS MY SPACE IN WEST VALLEY, UTAH

DEAR NEEDS YOUR SPACE: If you haven't already done it, you and your husband should have a calm discussion about this when you're both wide awake and rested. Sleep deprivation can cause any number of problems -- slow reaction time behind the wheel of a car, inefficiency at work, and serious health problems. If your marriage is amazing, caring, fun and sexually satisfying for both of you, then sleeping separately isn't a "bad sign." It's the solution.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old woman who, after a long marriage and unavoidable divorce, is ready to date. I work out daily, am active in my church, take classes, and socialize with women and married couples. I'm in excellent shape and am told I'm attractive and fun. There are few available men my age (or a little younger or older) and almost all of them seem to be looking for women in their 40s, 30s or even 20s.

Why are men my age so unwilling to date women their age? We're past the drama years, are secure in who we are, and have a lot to offer. Am I destined to spend my life without romance? I'm an upbeat person but have lately started feeling angry at how I'm being marginalized. -- MISSING OUT IN WYOMING

DEAR MISSING OUT: I can't speak for "all" older men, but many of them in our youth-obsessed culture look for women considerably younger because it helps them fool themselves into thinking they are younger than their years. You are physically, socially and intellectually active, so stop allowing yourself to be marginalized and consider dating men who are younger. It worked for Demi Moore.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Brianna," often invites me to big parties at her older friends' homes. At first I was thrilled because I'm only 15. At the parties I saw some people doing bad things -- but I didn't, at first.

Soon, Brianna pressured me into doing some things that I didn't feel comfortable doing. My parents are very strict about these things, and I knew it was wrong. I have tried to get out of going to the parties, but Brianna says bad things to me. I have even had to lie to my parents about where I'm going.

Every girl my age wants to go to these parties, but I don't. Am I weird for not wanting to get involved in inappropriate things? I'm afraid if I stand up to Brianna, she'll make everyone hate me. Please help. What should I do? -- FEELING PRESSURED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING PRESSURED: You're not weird, and "every" girl your age does not want to attend the parties you have mentioned. You appear to be a lot more intelligent than your "friend" Brianna, who sounds more like a bully than a friend.

Because Brianna does things that could land her in serious trouble doesn't mean that you should do them.

As I say in my booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know": "... when it comes to being enticed into acts that are senseless, dangerous, illegal or immoral, it's the 'squares,' the kids who care about their reputations (and their school and/or police records), who really show courage by saying, 'No thanks, I'll pass.'"

Today, it's not unusual to hear about teens engaging in adult activities at much younger ages than the teenagers of previous generations. That is why it is so important for parents (and guardians) to take the time to discuss alcohol, drugs, sex and family values with their children well before they start experimenting.

My teen booklet provides the answers to frequently asked questions such as: How old must a girl be before she can get pregnant? Can she get pregnant the first time she has sex? What time of the month is a girl 100 percent safe? How old must a boy be before he can father a child? Another important topic that's included is how to avoid date rape and what to do if it happens. To order "What Every Teen Should Know," send your name and address, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. My booklet also contains information on contraception and sexually transmitted diseases and how to recognize them. It has been distributed in doctors' offices and used to promote discussion by educators and religious leaders, and is often used by parents who find it difficult to discuss sex with their children.

DEAR ABBY: There's a question I have been pondering for years and I have never seen it addressed in your column. Which came first, the chicken sandwich or the egg salad? I need to make a decision soon. -- CHICKEN LOVER IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR CHICKEN LOVER: Your question is out of my area of expertise because I'm a peanut butter-and-jelly girl. But I know baloney when I'm handed a portion, so chew on that until you figure out the answer.