DEAR ABBY: I recently ended my 11-year relationship with my high school sweetheart, "Kent." During the two years we were engaged he had become a cheating, abusive alcoholic.

My problem is my mother. She hired Kent while we were together, and he's still with her. I asked her to let him go, but she refused. She's the closest thing to family Kent has left. She feels she can "help him get on his feet." I have a restraining order against him and feel his employment with Mom is in direct violation.

I cannot forgive her for this betrayal, and I will no longer have a relationship with her. The person who should be there for me -- my mother -- is not. I don't know how to get through to her. She thinks she's doing nothing wrong and refuses to accept that she's enabling Kent. She reads your column, Abby, so please give us some advice. -- LOST IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR LOST: That a mother would provide "aid and comfort" to a man who cheated on her daughter and was so physically abusive that it required a restraining order, indicates she may have as many problems as he does. Her reaction is not normal, and I don't have the power to make her see the light any more than you do. I do, however, have some advice for you. Get professional counseling, go on with your life and do not look back.

DEAR ABBY: What causes someone to do everything he or she can to keep from being happy? I had the chance to have a wonderful life and career, but I did everything I could to sabotage myself.

Now, at 55, I'm looking back on an empty and meaningless life.

I was blessed with many things going for me, but I blew them all. I wish I could have enjoyed my life and the successful career I could have had. What is my problem? -- REGRETFUL IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR REGRETFUL: Nobody is born with a blueprint for life, and everybody sooner or later makes a mistake they regret. You made your choices and second-guessing them now is negative and counterproductive. The trick is to not repeat those mistakes and to stop looking backward when you should be taking the life lessons you learned from them and moving forward. If you do, there will be fewer stumbles along the way.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I once thought we'd be empty nesters as our children went off to college and the military. But the last one came home after graduation to "seek employment" and "help us out for a while."

We love "Ian" with all our hearts, but he has a job now. Although he doesn't make enough to buy a house yet, he could at least rent an apartment. He has a steady girlfriend and he spends more time at her place than ours.

Did I forget to mention that Ian is 30? He is also considered one of our community's "prime catches." He's courteous, dresses well and is nice to everyone. Abby, at what point do we tell our son that we love him but need him to move on with his life? -- CARING MOTHER IN IOWA

DEAR CARING MOTHER: How about tonight? And if that's not possible because he's spending the night at his girlfriend's -- as soon as he returns home. Don't be unkind about it, but do be firm and agree on a date after which you expect him to be out.

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DEAR ABBY: I am 12 years old and I have a boyfriend, "Zak." Since it's summer, we don't communicate with each other as much as usual. Most people would think we'd be more in touch, but since we're both on vacation, we haven't been. I always text his phone, but most of the time I never get an answer back. Or he'll text, "I'm busy, I'll text you later," or "Sorry, can't talk. I'll call you later." But he never does.

Not long ago, I talked to Zak on the phone for a short time and he said he'd call back the next day around noon. He never called at all that day. Sometimes I don't hear from him for days on end.

Do you think I'm overreacting? Do you think he thinks I'm annoying? Maybe he feels I'm obsessing over him, I'm pretty sure if he wanted to end our relationship he would just come out and say it, but do you think he really does but doesn't want to hurt me? Help, Abby! -- CRAZY ABOUT HIM IN ARKANSAS

DEAR CRAZY: Zak appears to be a normal adolescent boy who has many interests -- and possibly parents who keep him busy. That would account for his not calling you later or returning your texts.

Rather than worrying about why he's not performing up to your expectations, you should develop some other interests and activities so you won't have so much time to worry about Zak. That way you'll appear less needy, clingy and insecure, and you'll be more attractive and interesting to be around once school starts again.

And one more thing: Think positive! Dwelling on the negative will only make you feel more unhappy and insecure than you're feeling right now.

DEAR ABBY: Last fall, a horrible car accident claimed the life of a young local man. A roadside memorial of wreaths and memorabilia was erected. Since then, no one has tended the site, and the elements have take their toll on it. The offerings look like litter now. Would it be appropriate to remove the battered items? Or would a respectful cleanup of the site be in poor taste? -- PASSERBY IN MAINE

DEAR PASSERBY: Roadside memorials are usually placed there by the family or friends of the deceased, who also tend to them. They are sometimes removed by street cleaning or highway maintenance crews when they have reached the stage you have described. A report made to the city or state department that's in charge of maintaining the road would be better than attempting to do the job on your own, and also safer.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser who causes a scene at every family gathering. There will be an important family event soon, and we don't want to invite her for fear she'll ruin it by showing up drunk or high. My mother is mad and says it's not right to ostracize my sister, and if she's not invited, my mother will not attend, either. What should we do? -- NO DRAMA, PLEASE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR NO DRAMA: You have two choices. Invite your sister with the clear understanding that if she shows up drunk or high, your mother will remove her from the premises and see she gets safely home. Or, refuse to give in to your mother's blackmail and tell her that if she chooses not to come, all of you will miss her. Period.

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I shared some of the emails you sent when "Alison in Ashland, Ore." asked you to name your heroes. Today I am sharing more. If you have found them to be as uplifting and energizing as I have, at a time when most of the news we read today has been so depressing, read on:

DEAR ABBY: Elizabeth Smart is my hero. She went on a forced ride and nine-month stay in hell, came back and has triumphed over that horror with grace, dignity and amazing maturity. -- DR. MARK M. IN UTAH

DEAR ABBY: One of our family heroes is Ruby Bridges. Only 6 years old, a black child in the South, Ruby attended an all-white elementary school in New Orleans, enduring isolation, harassment and even death threats. Thanks to Ruby and all Americans who helped to break down racial barriers in education. -- MELINDA IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: My hero happens to be famous, but that's NOT why she's my hero. It's Tina Turner. She started young and became famous because she had an amazing talent. However, when her marriage dissolved, she was reduced to manual labor to support herself and her children. She struggled to get her career back and, after years, regained her place in the entertainment world. She's my hero because she fell, got back up (no one did it for her) and made her place once again. She's a great example of human perseverance and I really admire her. -- TAMARA G., ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding real heroes, I nominate the journalists and writers who, at risk to their own lives, report the truth on what's happening in war-torn countries or in countries ruled by dictators. These brave men and women work under threats of murder, torture and/or imprisonment. -- BRENDA IN ATLANTA

DEAR ABBY: My hero, Ken, is now 90. He's one of the few remaining vets who walked Bataan and survived, after 3 1/2 years as a Japanese POW. He returned beaten and broken to marry and produce 10 children whom he loved intensely. His captivity made him a more loving husband, father and friend, and never did I hear him express hatred for his captors.

With so much hatred and violence in this world, Ken had the secret to spiritual and physical inner peace. I'll not have another hero to match him. -- DICK H., ROSEVILLE, MINN.

DEAR ABBY: A real hero is someone who donates an organ so that someone else may live. A real hero is someone who donates time to feed the hungry at a mission or sit with the elderly. There is a difference, to me, between a hero and someone who is brave. -- LARRY S., FLEMINGSBURG, KY.

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, a plane crashed in a river near Washington, D.C. It was winter and a helicopter was plucking survivors out of the freezing water. One woman had a broken arm and was unable to continue holding onto the rope suspended from the helicopter. She fell back into the river, soon to perish. A young bystander jumped, fully clothed, into the freezing water and brought her back to the bank. That, to me, is a real hero. -- RICK G., METAIRIE, LA.

DEAR ABBY: I live in Tuscaloosa, Ala., and our town was devastated by a tornado on April 27. I can't tell you how many people came to help out. People who lost everything were helping others. When it was announced that something was needed, people from many states drove here with trailers full of relief supplies. Don't tell me we don't have heroes. Just look around and notice who's out there helping when the need is there. Better yet, don't be looking, be doing it yourself and YOU will be the hero. -- BERNICE FROM TUSCALOOSA

DEAR ABBY: The Special Olympics athletes are heroes to me. Although my situation was temporary, I know from personal experience how difficult it can be to function with a brain that doesn't work the way you want it to. I am fortunate to not only meet my heroes, but also to be able to get to know them and become friends with them. -- PENNY K., SPECIAL OLYMPICS VOLUNTEER, BOZEMAN, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: May I offer the name of Dietrich Bonhoeffer? He was a German theologian during the time of the Third Reich. He took part in the German resistance to remove Hitler and paid for it with his life. -- MIKE P., EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR ABBY: A hero? Mine is a man who saw people living with endless, excruciating pain and helped them to suffer no more. His were courageous acts of love and compassion, performed with the knowledge that there could be a horrendous price to pay. For this, he was labeled a "murderer" and sent to prison, his voice silenced and his work ended. It's Jack Kervorkian. -- HELEN G. IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: For a hero, I hold New Hampshire's Doris "Granny D" Haddock in my heart. She walked across the United States at 90, supporting political financial reform, and continued trying to make a difference right up until her death. Surely, if she could do that at 90, I can do something positive in my remaining years. -- KATHARINE D., EAGLE, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: My heroes are my teachers. They spend their time to help us learn. They try to make learning fun for us. -- DEMARIS (AGE 10), MURRIETA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I didn't have a hero until I was in college. Mr. Leonard was my public speaking professor. When class began he entered wearing a large oxygen tank on his back connected to a tube in his nose, and proceeded to explain that he had a lung disease and was on the waiting list for a lung donor.

Mr. Leonard never missed a class. He had a dry sense of humor and used teaching strategies that actively engaged the entire class in learning. As the semester progressed, he became more and more ill. By the end of the year he was hospitalized, and was still grading papers in the hospital bed the week he passed away.

Now, 16 years later, he is still my hero. He taught us that facing overwhelming fear, fighting through it, pressing on and not letting it defeat you are helpful skills not only for public speaking, but also for living. -- MINDY IN BLAIRSVILLE, GA.

DEAR ABBY: My heroes include poets Allen Ginsberg, Shel Silverstein and Langston Hughes. My heroes are environmentalists John Muir, Jane Goodall and Dian Fossey. They include activists Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Harvey Milk. I still feel there are many people in this world who are exceptionally talented, brave, hardworking and altruistic, and unlike "Alison in Ashland," I personally know many young people who have been inspired by such heroes to do great things with their own lives. However, I also feel that too many people have never gotten the recognition they deserve for their heroism and self-sacrifice. And I agree with Alison that if the media is going to shamelessly promote untalented, self-centered millionaire whiners as heroic mavericks, the media shouldn't complain about narcissism and entitlement in young people today. -- DAISY IN EDWARDSVILLE, ILL.