DEAR ABBY: My nephew, "Charles," a minister in his 50s, confided to me that he is unhappy in his marriage and is attracted to someone else. He asked me to keep this confidential, and I have.

Charles' wife and I are together a few hours per week on a regular basis. She is concerned because he seems depressed and spends most of his time at home sleeping. She knows Charles considers me a mother figure now that both his parents are deceased. She is suggesting that perhaps he has shared with me some of the reasons for his depression.

I feel horrible. If this comes out -- and it will -- Charles' wife will feel betrayed on many levels. I don't know what to do. Can you help? -- IN TOO DEEP IN MICHIGAN

DEAR IN TOO DEEP: Your nephew's wife is on a fishing expedition. That's why she's "suggesting" he might have shared confidences with you. Do not betray them. Instead, tell her that if she's concerned about her husband's state of mind, the person she should be asking is HIM. It's the truth. They have a lot that needs talking about.

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband's 30th birthday, I worked hard planning a surprise party for him. Family members came from other states, and I had housing available for all of them. I hid the food and other supplies at friends' homes. Things went well, and my husband was thrilled to see his family and friends.

My milestone birthday was last year, and my husband didn't do anything special. I didn't mind because I had told him I was "done aging." However, I accidentally discovered he's planning something this year.

While on vacation at my in-laws', I saw his mother had reserved the date of the party on her calendar. When I visited his sister, the invitation was open on the dining room table. I was able to see all the details of my "surprise." When I went to our mailbox, I found two invitations to my party that were undeliverable. I pretended I'd forgotten to pick up the mail and asked him to get it.

Should I tell my husband I know about the party or continue to play "dumb"? I have been told in so many ways that it's getting harder not to say anything, but I don't want to ruin this for him, either. I feel guilty for knowing. What should I do? -- NOT SO SURPRISED

DEAR NOT SO SURPRISED: Stop feeling guilty -- you did nothing wrong. Keep your mouth shut and act surprised. Your husband is going to a lot of trouble to give you a special gift, and you should accept it in the spirit in which it is being given.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 31-year-old woman who was taught growing up that if a person older than I doesn't have a seat, to give mine up. I now have a few questions about this practice.

If someone refuses the seat I offer, what do I do? How long should I remain standing, waiting for him or her to sit down? I have experienced this issue with the baby-boomer generation -- people in their 50s and 60s who refuse to take the seat. I feel like an idiot standing with them while a seat is available. Any help you can offer would be great. -- MINDING MY MANNERS IN NEW YORK

DEAR MINDING YOUR MANNERS: (And beautiful manners they are.) You are dealing with the generation who coined the phrase "Don't trust anyone over 30." Most boomers, some of whom are now turning 65, do not consider themselves to be "older." Don't let it be lost on you that there's a very successful store called Forever 21 that doesn't cater just to teenagers. If one of the eternally young refuses your generous offer, the appropriate thing to do is sit back down. No harm, no foul.

DEAR ABBY: After years of abuse at the hands of my mother's boyfriend, I finally sought therapy to deal with the emotional issues. I spent weeks interviewing licensed therapists and finally picked one I felt comfortable with.

After several sessions, I finally revealed the true nature of my issues. Her response? "At least you weren't raped!" I was so horrified by her reaction that I got up and walked out.

It had taken me 20 years to finally work up the courage to speak to someone about my problems. Now I feel completely defeated -- even exploited -- all over again. I know not all therapists are as inept as this woman was, but I'm really afraid of the whole process. What do you do when therapy is the one thing you need, but also the one thing you are petrified of? -- NEEDS THERAPY FOR THERAPY

DEAR NEEDS THERAPY: Because someone has a license to practice does not guarantee that the person is actually good at it. I'm sorry you learned that the hard way. But please do not let one bad experience keep you from getting the help you know you need.

When therapy is the one thing you need, but also the one thing you are most afraid of, you should do what smart people who have felt as you have done. Go anyway. This woman wasn't equipped to help you. Be glad that you realized it quickly. You did the right thing by leaving.

DEAR ABBY: I am the proud father of a wonderful 7-year-old boy, "Aiden." His mother, "Emily," and I share custody and have an amicable relationship. I also happen to be gay.

Most of our friends and family are aware of our situation and are kind to all of us. However, Emily's cousin "Lyn" has children Aiden's age who are starting to make anti-gay comments to him -- including teasing and name-calling.

I have spoken to Lyn about this in a gentle and patient manner, but she told me the comments are reflections of her religious beliefs. Have you any advice as to what I can do to stop Aiden from being subjected to this kind of behavior, short of refusing to let him visit them anymore? -- BOTHERED IN BUFFALO

DEAR BOTHERED: I don't know what religion Emily's cousin practices, but I can't think of any that encourages teasing and name-calling among children. Although Aiden is young, he is old enough to understand that some people can be hostile and intolerant of those who are different than they are. Explain that Lyn and her children are "those" kind of people, and it has nothing to do with him personally.

By the way, although you're reluctant to refuse to let your son visit that branch of the family, expose him to them as little as possible, if at all. His mother can visit Cousin Lyn when Aiden is with his daddy.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper protocol regarding jewelry that was given by a former boyfriend? I have a few lovely items, but I no longer feel comfortable wearing them. I'm at a loss and hate to leave them sitting in my jewelry box forever. -- DE-JEWELED IN OHIO

DEAR DE-JEWELED: There is no "protocol" regarding gifts from former boyfriends. If you are uncomfortable wearing the items because they bring back sad memories, consider selling them or, if they contain valuable gems, having the stones reset. However, if you can adjust your attitude and consider them "souvenirs," then wear and enjoy them.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Randy" for more than a year. We get along great. He makes me laugh and I can envision us sharing the rest of our lives together.

I am an atheist and Randy is a Christian. I don't mind his family's views, and I have no problem with religion as long as it isn't being forced on me. However, thinking about a future with Randy, I wouldn't want his family's religious views forced on my children, either. I want them to make their own choices when they're old enough to understand.

Randy wants an "ideal Christian family," where he raises his children on his terms and with his religious views. I don't feel children should be forced into something from birth. Again, I have no problem with Randy's or his family's beliefs; I just don't want them impressed on my children's young minds. What can we do? -- A MIND OF MY OWN

DEAR MIND OF YOUR OWN: You can part friends and agree to disagree. If Randy wants an "ideal Christian family" in which he raises his children "on his terms and with his religious beliefs," there will be no compromise. And if you are adamant that your children choose their own beliefs when they're old enough to understand, you -- and they -- will be better off if the father you choose for them has similar beliefs.

DEAR ABBY: My friend and roommate "Kristina" is a great person with a big heart. However, one of her "quirks" is starting to bother me, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Kristina is an extremely picky eater who is repulsed by any ethnic food. I am Asian, and if we pass an Asian restaurant (or any other ethnic restaurant, for that matter) she makes comments like, "How can people eat that?" or, "That's disgusting!" When I have pointed out to her that her attitude can be insulting, she casually apologizes but her behavior continues.

I realize Kristina is set in her ways and that there's probably nothing I can do to change her attitude toward cultural cuisine. I feel like a nag every time I suggest she's being insensitive. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can respond to her disparaging comments? -- RAISED ON RICE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RAISED ON RICE: "Great" people with "big hearts" do not say the first thing that pops into their heads, particularly when they know it can be hurtful. Because you have already told Kristina her comments are insensitive and insulting, and she continues to make them, it's time you recognize that she doesn't care about your feelings.

The surest ways to insulate yourself are to avoid going near ethnic restaurants when you're with her, or spend less time in her company.

DEAR ABBY: I know a very nice family from another country whose little girl would be adorable except for one thing -- facial hair. The child has a dark "unibrow" and a thick moustache. She's hairier than most men I know.

I would like to recommend a cosmetologist to them, but I know other cultures have different views on facial hair. My husband says I should mind my own business. What do you say, Abby? -- ILLINOIS NEIGHBOR

DEAR NEIGHBOR: While your impulse is laudable, listen to your husband. Unless the little girl or her mother mentions that she is being teased because of her facial hair, do not broach the subject.