DEAR ABBY: May I weigh in on the letter from "Noah's Real Dad in New York" (June 27), whose adult adopted son wants to reclaim his original last name? I am an adult adoptee who searched for and found my birth family. I also joined a support group that was formed to support the adoption triad.

Research has shown that male adoptees struggle with their identity more than females do. After all, in our patriarchal society it is the male surname that most often does not get changed in marriage. Women are accustomed to the fact that they will most likely change their name.

This family needs to do some reading on the subject, There are many resources out there. A family counselor who isn't well-educated about adoption issues will not be helpful.

Unless you walk in an adoptee's shoes you cannot judge their actions. After all, the adoption decision is made without the consent of the child. We also resent being treated like children after we are adults. Noah is a 34-year-old adult able to make his own choices and decisions.

Noah is fortunate that he knows his birth father and didn't have to search a bureaucratic maze to obtain any information. Laws have been passed in several, not all, states allowing adoptees to get important information about their birth families that is necessary for taking care of ourselves and our own children. -- DEBBIE IN FLORIDA

DEAR DEBBIE: Your letter reflects the strong sentiments of many adoptees and their families who wrote to me expressing their disappointment in my reply to Noah's adoptive father. Here are some of their responses:

DEAR ABBY: I am an adoptive parent in an open adoption with our children's birth families, and I vehemently disagree with what you wrote.

My children have two mothers and two fathers. My husband and I are the parents who are raising them, but that slip of paper signed by a judge does not erase their family of origin. It shouldn't. They have an adoptive family and a biological one and should be able to have a relationship with both.

My children also have two names. The names they were given at birth and the names my husband and I gave them when we adopted them as infants. They will always know about these two sets of names. When they are older, if they wish to be called by their birth name, we will have to respect that. It does not mean they love us less or that we are not their parents.

What is does mean is that adoption is more complicated than most people realize, and as our children grow into adults, we need to give them the space and freedom to discover for themselves who they are. -- AN ADOPTIVE MOTHER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: I agree with you 100 percent! How horrible, disrespectful and mean-spirited of that 34-year-old son. I understand why he is interested in the family history of his biological father, but he could record that history for the future without changing his current surname. Doesn't Noah realize his biological father was an adult who made up his mind to give up his rights to his son, including the rights to his last name? If Noah doesn't respect his adoptive father for giving him his last name, and if Noah is set on changing his surname, it would be more respectful to take his mother's maiden name as his surname. I hope Noah reconsiders the issue he's creating, and at 34 he makes a wiser adult decision than his biological parent did. -- PHYLLIS IN OHIO

DEAR ABBY: My son's girlfriend is pregnant. I think there is a chance it may not be his, although she claims it is. "Ben" met "Christy," and a little over a week later she announced she was pregnant. She's now 34 weeks into the pregnancy.

I have asked him repeatedly if he is sure the baby is his and he says yes, but the math doesn't seem right to me. I have suggested Ben seek a paternity test, but I don't think he's going to take my advice.

I am not the only person who is questioning this, and I feel terrible for having the doubt. He has asked Christy to marry him and she accepted. I couldn't believe it. They were going to marry that same month, but when Ben mentioned a prenuptial agreement to protect the real estate and other property he owns (and that I'm financially involved in), Christy blew up! She just about kicked Ben to the curb. Now, thankfully, the wedding is postponed. Christy's overboard reaction has added to my suspicion. What do you think, Abby? -- SUSPICIOUS DAD IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR DAD: I agree that before your son marries Christy, everything should be out in the open. Regardless of whose child she is carrying, your son may be in love with her and it may not matter to him. If the child is indeed his, a paternity test would lay any doubts to rest.

That said, I spoke with my gynecologist and asked how long after conception it would take for a pregnancy to show up in a test, and was told the answer is one week after a woman's period is late. For Ben not to insist on having a prenuptial agreement under these circumstances would be a mistake, and I hope he will reconsider.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died suddenly three years ago and my sister overdosed a year later. I didn't know she was so depressed.

Her son, "Jordan," is the joy of my life. Every time I watch him, all I can think of is "Why?" Why did my sister choose to leave us alone? I don't know how to move on when I look at Jordan and think of my sister. Please help. -- LEFT WITH THE MEMORIES

DEAR LEFT: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the multiple losses you have suffered. Although you feel left alone by your sister's suicide, the truth is you are not alone. In the United States, millions of people's lives have been touched by suicide -- whether it was that of a colleague, friend or a family member. That you are reminded of your sister when you see your nephew is a normal reaction.

When your sister overdosed, she may have been acting on impulse and trying to end what she perceived to be intolerable psychic pain. Please contact the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Among the many programs it offers is a listing of local support groups for survivors. The website is www.afsp.org; the phone number is (888) 333-2377.

Author Eric Marcus has written an excellent book on this subject, "Why Suicide?" published by Harper One. He, like you, is a survivor of suicide, and you may find the answers you're looking for by reading it.

DEAR ABBY: My nephew, "Charles," a minister in his 50s, confided to me that he is unhappy in his marriage and is attracted to someone else. He asked me to keep this confidential, and I have.

Charles' wife and I are together a few hours per week on a regular basis. She is concerned because he seems depressed and spends most of his time at home sleeping. She knows Charles considers me a mother figure now that both his parents are deceased. She is suggesting that perhaps he has shared with me some of the reasons for his depression.

I feel horrible. If this comes out -- and it will -- Charles' wife will feel betrayed on many levels. I don't know what to do. Can you help? -- IN TOO DEEP IN MICHIGAN

DEAR IN TOO DEEP: Your nephew's wife is on a fishing expedition. That's why she's "suggesting" he might have shared confidences with you. Do not betray them. Instead, tell her that if she's concerned about her husband's state of mind, the person she should be asking is HIM. It's the truth. They have a lot that needs talking about.

DEAR ABBY: Before my husband's 30th birthday, I worked hard planning a surprise party for him. Family members came from other states, and I had housing available for all of them. I hid the food and other supplies at friends' homes. Things went well, and my husband was thrilled to see his family and friends.

My milestone birthday was last year, and my husband didn't do anything special. I didn't mind because I had told him I was "done aging." However, I accidentally discovered he's planning something this year.

While on vacation at my in-laws', I saw his mother had reserved the date of the party on her calendar. When I visited his sister, the invitation was open on the dining room table. I was able to see all the details of my "surprise." When I went to our mailbox, I found two invitations to my party that were undeliverable. I pretended I'd forgotten to pick up the mail and asked him to get it.

Should I tell my husband I know about the party or continue to play "dumb"? I have been told in so many ways that it's getting harder not to say anything, but I don't want to ruin this for him, either. I feel guilty for knowing. What should I do? -- NOT SO SURPRISED

DEAR NOT SO SURPRISED: Stop feeling guilty -- you did nothing wrong. Keep your mouth shut and act surprised. Your husband is going to a lot of trouble to give you a special gift, and you should accept it in the spirit in which it is being given.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 31-year-old woman who was taught growing up that if a person older than I doesn't have a seat, to give mine up. I now have a few questions about this practice.

If someone refuses the seat I offer, what do I do? How long should I remain standing, waiting for him or her to sit down? I have experienced this issue with the baby-boomer generation -- people in their 50s and 60s who refuse to take the seat. I feel like an idiot standing with them while a seat is available. Any help you can offer would be great. -- MINDING MY MANNERS IN NEW YORK

DEAR MINDING YOUR MANNERS: (And beautiful manners they are.) You are dealing with the generation who coined the phrase "Don't trust anyone over 30." Most boomers, some of whom are now turning 65, do not consider themselves to be "older." Don't let it be lost on you that there's a very successful store called Forever 21 that doesn't cater just to teenagers. If one of the eternally young refuses your generous offer, the appropriate thing to do is sit back down. No harm, no foul.