DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and it is a wonderful marriage. We love each other very much, never argue and get along great. We have a 2-year-old child.

Recently I found a "sex tape" online of my wife with the guy she dated before me. This video was taken without her knowledge and is from 13 years ago. Because of this, I am not upset about it.

My question is, should I bring this to her attention, and if so, how? I feel she needs to know it's out there. I'm reacting to this as a man would. I don't know how a woman would react. Please help. -- IT'S PRIVATE

DEAR IT'S PRIVATE: Although there are no sex tapes of me floating around, I can tell you from a woman's perspective that if there was one (and the lighting was unflattering), I'd be furious. Your wife has a right to know, so don't keep her in the dark.

P.S. How did you come across that video? I'm sure she will be interested to know.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my husband of 30 years became distant. He didn't want to touch me, talk to me or spend time with me. I was devastated.

An old boyfriend emailed me to offer condolences on the death of my brother. There were just chatty emails at the beginning, about our lives and how we had gone such separate ways in 40 years. The emails started becoming more intimate, as I was fed by his seeming "love" for me. He told me I was his "soul mate" and I fell for it. I took risks to see him, eventually slept with him and lied to everyone I know in the process.

Recently my husband came across an email from the past boyfriend. My secret was out and the truth was ugly. I had betrayed God, my husband, my mother and my four beautiful children. My husband no longer trusts me and wants a divorce.

Abby, please tell your readers to think long and hard before acting out of loneliness. It doesn't just affect the husband and wife; it also has an impact on the entire family, circle of friends and standing within the community. -- ADULTEROUS WIFE IN FLORIDA

DEAR WIFE: How sad that you didn't get to the bottom of your husband's distancing before it led to you having an affair. But before you allow your husband to place all the blame on your shoulders, you should make it your business to learn the reason for HIS behavior -- since "everything" is now out in the open.

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband and, for the most part, we get along great. My only complaint is he stays neutral when someone hurts my feelings.

The latest incident involved good friends of ours until the wife hurt me for the last time. She has a history of inviting me out, even talking me into changing my plans, then ditching me if something better comes along. This last time, I was invited to her house, only to learn (as I'm walking out the door) that she had left for the evening. I've had enough! I gave her as many chances as I did only because my husband said I "overreact" and shouldn't let it be a big deal.

This isn't the first time he has chosen not to validate my feelings. The fact that my husband is never on my side hurts me more than what my "friend" has ever done. Am I right? -- GETS NO SUPPORT IN AZUSA, CALIF.

DEAR GETS NO SUPPORT: Your husband may not want to be caught in the middle of a disagreement between two women, but that's no reason for him not to tell you your feelings are appropriate when they are justified. He may be good friends with the husband, but the wife has shown she's not much of a friend to you. Real friends don't stand each other up if something "better" comes along. Her behavior is rude and insensitive, and I don't blame you for being offended.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Not Ungrateful in San Diego" (July 13) missed the mark. Her boyfriend of eight months is flying in business class to France, but he's only paying for a coach ticket for her? I was a divorce lawyer for 31 years (now retired), so I know a few things about relationships.

While Claude had no obligation to pay her way to France, once he invited her, he displayed a troubling character flaw. If he was going to pay her way, he should have paid for her to sit with him in business class. Her seat in coach is a warning sign: She'll always be in the back of the plane, the bus or his life. Of course buying business class seats for the two of them is expensive, but if he's going to take her to his family's chateau, he should treat her as an equal -- or not do it at all. -- PAUL IN SARATOGA, CALIF.

DEAR PAUL: I appreciate your viewpoint, one which is shared by many other readers. The responses to that letter were an interesting mix. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: "Not Ungrateful" is unbelievable! My long-legged husband cannot sit in coach unless he is in an exit row, and those seats aren't always easy to get. Because I'm short, I don't need the extra space and, if I am assigned an exit seat, I gladly give it up to a tall person. That woman will be in France (paid for!) with her boyfriend. I would go in the baggage compartment for such an opportunity. -- HAPPY TO TRADE PLACES

DEAR ABBY: A less-expensive option for long-legged fliers is to buy an extra coach seat. Claude could purchase three seats together. That way he could sit sideways and put items in the central seat. Neither my wife nor I have long legs, but we fly this way for comfort on long flights. -- STEPHEN IN TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR ABBY: When Claude offered to treat her to the trip, he put himself in the role of a "host." A host does not treat himself to steak while offering hamburger to his guest. I am accompanying my husband on a business trip. His company will pay for him to fly business class and I will purchase a coach ticket for myself. My husband insists on flying coach with me, saying that a gentleman would never fly in a different class than his wife. -- WE'RE IN IT TOGETHER

DEAR ABBY: My husband always sits in business class while I sit in coach when we travel long distances. He has a back problem and I don't. Why spend a lot of money on something so fleeting? We have plenty of time together once we arrive at our destination. I have never thought of myself as subservient -- just practical. -- ENJOYS LIFE IN COACH

DEAR ABBY: By all means, "Not Ungrateful" should go to France as planned. Her seatmate in coach could be a delightful person -- maybe even someone with whom she'd rather spend the rest of her life. Or, he could be someone she'll meet in France. Life's little twists and turns can be strange and mysterious, but they lead us to our destiny. -- BETTIE IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR ABBY: Claude wouldn't know chivalry if it bit him in the face. Men usually try to put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship. If this is his best foot, "Not Ungrateful" might want to pass on the trip and him altogether.

Claude is a buffoon to expect his girlfriend to be grateful for something he himself refuses to abide by because "it's uncomfortable." Perhaps he should tie her hair into two pigtails and force her to fly in the cargo hold as a cocker spaniel instead. -- WOOF!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My new doctor has told me I'm considered morbidly obese. We discussed the yo-yoing weight problems I have had since I was a child, and she said I'd be a good candidate for gastric bypass surgery.

My husband is super-supportive of the idea and so is the rest of my family. My mother even suggested I encourage my sister -- who is even heavier than I am -- to research it. But when I mentioned it to my mother-in-law, "Evelyn," she was not thrilled.

Evelyn is the only other overweight person in the immediate family here in Maryland. I suspect that she doesn't want to be the only heavy person in the family if I have the surgery. Her husband wants to be active and do things. He does them with my husband and me because Evelyn can't. I know this upsets her.

How can I tell her that at 28, I want to do something about my weight problem now in order to live a long, healthy life? I don't want to end up like her when I'm older -- bitter about my slimmer, healthier, more active husband doing things without me. -- DYING TO BE HEALTHY

DEAR DYING: This isn't about Evelyn. It is only about you and the fact that your doctor has recommended you consider this medical procedure. If Evelyn raises the subject, remind her that this is the case. And of course, omit any reference to the idea that she might be "bitter," or that her slimmer, healthier husband is doing things without her, because it will only make her more defensive.

DEAR ABBY: My longtime friend Jim had a stroke several years ago. His wife was struggling to keep him at home while working, taking care of the house, cooking and doing other endless chores. She found it difficult even to get out of the house for a haircut. She confided to me the hurt she felt when friends never followed through on their general offers of assistance.

Our discussion led to the formation of the FOJ (Friends of Jim's) Club. Everyone in our "elite" group commits to spending two hours a month with Jim. The time slots we fill are recorded on our FOJ calendar. This time provides a needed respite for Jim's wife and an opportunity for Jim to interact with others and get out of the house. Because the time commitment is for a defined -- but not overly long -- period of time, people are more willing and able to make a commitment they know they can keep.

I encourage your readers to form similar "friends clubs." They can bring light and support to caregivers as well as to those being cared for. And this gift of love will circle back. I know because I'm a ... FRIEND OF JIM'S IN CHAMPAIGN, ILL.

DEAR FRIEND OF JIM'S: Jim and his wife are fortunate to have such a loyal and stalwart circle of friends as you and your fellow FOJ Club members. I have printed letters from time to time about random acts of kindness; yours is the most organized effort I have heard about. The gift of "self" you are giving your friend is the most precious gift one can give. And I hope it will be remembered by anyone who reads your letter.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)