DEAR ABBY: I'm a 50-year-old female, married 26 years, with three grown children. When I was 16, I dated a guy, "Oliver," I cared for very much. We got along, never argued and were very close. The attachment we had I have never experienced since.

Months after we broke up, my mom told me that because we were of different races, she had called Oliver's parents and told them to keep him away from me because we were getting too close.

We both moved on, but through the years I have thought of him often. Sixteen months ago, I found him online. He lives a half-hour away, has two teenagers and is unhappy in his marriage. We spoke on the phone or online for a year. Over the last few months we have been meeting at a nearby park. Our connection is still there. We are soul mates and no longer want to be without each other. And no, we have NOT had sex.

My husband has been good to me. I love him, but I'm not "in love" with him. I am torn between staying with my husband to honor the commitment to my family, or following my heart with Oliver. I'm in love with him and don't want to lose him a second time. -- ANOTHER CHANCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CHANCE: You say you're torn between your commitment to your family or following your heart. But what about Oliver's commitment to his family? Although your children are grown, his aren't. They still need a father at home.

If the feelings you have carried in your heart all these years for Oliver are more than a fantasy, they won't wither if you postpone acting on your feelings. Are you strong enough to do that? Whether you're up to the challenge is something only the two of you can decide.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Lindy," who is dying from liver cancer. She could no longer eat or drink even before the chemo was started, and she sleeps most of the time. The chemo has done nothing more for her than make her lose her hair.

Lindy is adamant that she'll beat the cancer. To that end, she wants nothing "negative" passed on to outsiders, including her relatives who live eight hours away. She has no family here except her boyfriend, whom she won't allow to talk to her doctor. He refuses to go against her wishes.

I am torn between being loyal to my friend's belief that she'll get better, or notifying her family about how sick she really is so they can visit her before she passes. If they come, Lindy will be furious (if she's still coherent). But if they don't have the opportunity, it will be unfair to them.

My heart tells me to call Lindy's family and tell them to consider a visit sooner rather than later. What do you think? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: I think that if Lindy were as close to her family as you imagine, they would have some inkling that she's ill. That you are aware of her illness shows how much she trusts you and cares for you. The people who are most important to her know about her condition, so please respect her wishes.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Will," and I have been married three years. It's a good marriage on most levels, but what causes most of our problems is the way he treats me. Will always assumes his way is correct. When I do something around the house, he comes up behind me and re-does it -- including refolding the clothes. He even corrects the way I speak and pronounce words.

It has gotten to the point that I have shut down. I don't do much of anything around the house anymore because I figure it's a waste of my time. Will gets angry and makes fun of my "laziness." How do I get through to him that some things aren't worth making me feel miserable? When I try to explain how he makes me feel, he gets mad and pouts. -- GETTING TIRED OF IT IN TEXAS

DEAR GETTING TIRED: From your description of your household, your relationship with your husband is not "good." In fact, the way Will is treating you could be considered a form of abuse. By constantly belittling and correcting you, he is trying to assert control and shake your confidence in yourself.

A husband who pouts and makes you feel bad when you tell him he's making you miserable is a poor life partner. He may be insecure, overbearing or have OCD. Or he could be a potential abuser. Insist on marriage counseling to find out which, or get out of there while you still can.

DEAR ABBY: My "Uncle Bernard" has a colorful personality. He has always been full of tall tales about his exploits and celebrity encounters.

About five years ago, my uncle announced that he had been awarded a Purple Heart. I know for a fact that Uncle Bernie was a member of the Merchant Marines on a ship that never left the Great Lakes. He also isn't listed on the official Purple Heart recipient registry, which makes me wonder where he got the medal.

Uncle Bernie hasn't been feeling well, so he has prepared his obituary, which notes that he was a recipient of the Purple Heart. He has also told us he wants the medal displayed at his funeral. I am aghast! I don't think I'll be able to grin and bear this one, Abby. He's a fake, and I don't want his children and church to be embarrassed. What he's doing is wrong. What would you do? -- BITING MY TONGUE FOR NOW

DEAR BITING: Uncle Bernie appears to be a fabulist, which is a polite term for liar. That he would masquerade as a war hero having never set foot in a war zone is disgusting. If I were in your situation I'd wait patiently until the time comes, then talk to his family about the potential embarrassment. When the obituary is published, reference to the medal should be omitted, and at the funeral the medal should not be displayed. Uncle Bernard won't know the difference, trust me.

DEAR ABBY: Today I asked my wife of many years, "Do you still love me?" Her answer was, "At our age, there is friendship at most."

I think that love has no age limit. Who is right? -- LEON IN MARCO ISLAND, FLA.

DEAR LEON: You are. There is no age limit on love. Love is love, whether you're a teenager or an octogenarian, and if you're lucky, even older than that.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I had a debate about who should pay for dates. She thinks the man should pay, especially if sex is involved because "you don't want to give it away for free."

I disagree. I say the man should pay for the first, and maybe the second date. After that, they can agree to alternate.

I have been seeing a wonderful guy for about six months. I'm pretty sure I make more money than he does, but even if I didn't, I don't feel the need to be supported. I don't agree the guy should always have to pay. Times have changed since my mother dated. What's the general consensus on the subject these days? -- INDEPENDENT WOMAN IN MARYLAND

DEAR INDEPENDENT: The consensus is that you're right. Times have changed since your mother dated, and furthermore, paying for a date does not give the payer any guarantee of sexual favors. While in some regions, cultures and age groups there may be the expectation that the man pays, in today's world many women expect to pay their fair share after the first couple of dates.

In other words, it's common to split a check or share the cost of an evening's dinner and entertainment. The idea that a woman should put out for the price of a burger is, thankfully, passe. And that's for the best, don't you agree?

DEAR ABBY: I have known "Arthur" for more than 20 years. Since Day One, he has wanted more than friendship, but I made it clear that I never wanted more than a platonic relationship. I care about him, but have never had romantic feelings for him.

We spend a lot of time together between relationships with other people. (I was married for eight years out of our 20-year friendship.) Arthur comes over -- we hang out, sometimes share a meal or watch a movie, etc. Then we go to sleep in my bed. He sleeps in my bed, where there's no hanky-panky. I'm content with things as they are. He makes me laugh and I feel good about myself.

However, lately I sense he's becoming too attached. I worry that I might be leading him on even though I've made it clear that I don't want anything romantic or sexual. After 20 years, there are no gray areas left to analyze my intentions.

My friends think what I'm doing is wrong, that I might be keeping Arthur from moving forward in his life. Keep in mind that I encourage him to go out with friends and to date. Am I doing anything wrong that may be hurting him in an indirect way? -- PLATONICALLY CONNECTED IN TEXAS

DEAR PLATONICALLY CONNECTED: You are happy the way things are. Arthur appears to have accepted the relationship on your terms. While he may secretly hope that one morning you will roll over, open your eyes and realize that he's Prince Charming, you have been honest with him from the beginning. I see no reason to end a relationship that is rewarding to both of you because your friends are meddling. Your friends should mind their own business.

DEAR ABBY: I have a lot of health problems and need my rest. We have even disconnected the doorbell. So why do people ignore the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the front door and knock anyway? -- DISTURBED IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR DISTURBED: Not knowing who's doing the knocking, I'm guessing they're people who are desperate to sell you something. Certainly no friend would behave that way.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: As the sun sets tonight, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins. As we start this time of solemn introspection, let me wish you all, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life for a good year.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)