DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away recently. My sister, who lives in another state, flew in with her 4-year-old daughter, "Nikki," to attend Mom's wake.

When the wake ended, Nikki began to place stickers on Mom's hands and one on her face. The stickers had been given to her by another guest before the service started. When my 18-year-old daughter saw what her cousin had done, she removed them, and Nikki threw a tantrum and refused to leave the casket. My sister spoke quietly to her, trying to get the child to leave, then allowed her to put at least two more stickers on my mother's hand. Finally, I gently picked Nikki up and took her away from the casket. My father is a mild-mannered man and, although he frowned in disapproval, he said nothing.

This has caused a huge rift between my sister and me. I feel a 4-year-old is too young to attend a wake. Nikki should not have been allowed to put stickers on my mother. My sister says I "undermined" her parenting and had no right to intervene. What are your thoughts? -- SADDENED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR SADDENED: If one defines parenting as teaching a child appropriate behavior, your sister wasn't parenting at all. Although the child was well-intentioned, unless the stickers said "Return to Sender," they had no place at the funeral. My condolences to your family.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 32-year-old single female. I have a child and am currently in a relationship with "Ty," who has two children of his own from a divorce.

This is a very difficult situation for me. I love Ty, but there's so much drama relating to his ex-wife and dealing with the post-divorce behavior problems of his kids, I sometimes don't know how much more I can handle. The ex constantly throws herself in my face, trying to be friends. And the shuffling of his kids from our house to hers creates issues.

I need advice on what to do. I'm unhappy, and it is getting worse. How can I improve the situation before I just give up? -- OVERWHELMED IN IOWA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Before giving up, let me remind you that as a 32-year-old single mother, you will be encountering more and more men with "baggage" -- so you might as well learn to cope with it now. If you're going to have a future with Ty, it is in YOUR best interest to become a "friend" of his ex-wife. Should you marry him, a cordial and cooperative relationship will be better for everyone.

Look at it this way: Because Ty's children are acting out -- which is to be expected -- the most effective way to deal with it is to form a united front.

DEAR ABBY: I recently started dating a wonderful man, but there's one problem: On several of our dates he was dressed like he was staying home to watch TV -- wearing dirty pajama-type shorts, ripped T-shirts, stuff I'd barely wear even if I were home sick.

I have gently tried to suggest he wear something else, but he has no concerns about his appearance. Any ideas? -- BAFFLED IN BALTIMORE

DEAR BAFFLED: The wonderful man you are seeing is either eccentric or a slob. If you have "gently" tried to suggest that he make himself look more presentable when you go out and have gotten nowhere, you have two choices: Accept him just as he is, or look further for male companionship.

DEAR ABBY: Before I met my boyfriend, "Cory," he had a married female friend he'd go out with -- dancing, dinner, movies, etc. He says there was no sex involved, and I believe him. He has asked me to be friends with her and her husband, and I have tried.

However, whenever she's around Cory, they ignore everyone else. She even tried to go on vacation with us! What really upset me was when Cory thought it was OK to ask if "we" could go out with her! It's like she has always been in our relationship.

I have told him they are (and have been) having a non-sexual affair. He's a wonderful man otherwise, and I know he loves me. How can I get her out of our lives? -- FEELING LIKE A THIRD WHEEL

DEAR FEELING: It would be interesting to know what this female friend's husband thinks about her relationship with your boyfriend. Dinner, dancing, movies -- possible shared vacations -- seems like an unusual amount of "togetherness." Talk to her husband, and you may gain some insight.

As to how you can get her out of your lives, the answer is you probably can't. Unless your boyfriend is willing to accept that their relationship is a threat to the one he has with you and is willing to let it go, she will be in his life -- and yours -- for a long, long time.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for four years. Like many couples, we are discussing having a family and we both agree the time is now.

My husband was adopted at birth by a loving couple whom he has always known as his parents. They are fantastic people, but I'd still like to know my husband's family medical history before putting myself or our child at risk for any hereditary complications.

My mother-in-law thinks this "inquisition into the family's personal business" is uncalled for. I think it's important to get a full family medical history before having children. Am I out of line, or should he try to locate his biological parents? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN IOWA

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: I don't think you're out of line. However, if your husband is reluctant to reach out -- even to request his birth parents' medical histories -- then you may be able to obtain the information you're concerned about by having genetic testing done on the two of you. If necessary, discuss it with your physician.

DEAR ABBY: I am a coach's wife and would love some advice on how to handle "fans" who make rude comments about the people who coach their high school-age kids.

I listen to parents constantly gripe and complain about their children's coaches. How can I gracefully manage this situation? I refuse to listen to degrading, negative comments about my husband and his co-workers. Please advise. -- MRS. COACH IN TEXAS

DEAR MRS. COACH: There is nothing you can do to stop comments like that during a game. Some parents act more like children than their children do. However, if it's happening in social situations, a way to deal with it would be to remind the offenders that you'd rather not hear about "work" when you're trying to have fun. Another would be to excuse yourself if the parent has been drinking.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 50-year-old female, married 26 years, with three grown children. When I was 16, I dated a guy, "Oliver," I cared for very much. We got along, never argued and were very close. The attachment we had I have never experienced since.

Months after we broke up, my mom told me that because we were of different races, she had called Oliver's parents and told them to keep him away from me because we were getting too close.

We both moved on, but through the years I have thought of him often. Sixteen months ago, I found him online. He lives a half-hour away, has two teenagers and is unhappy in his marriage. We spoke on the phone or online for a year. Over the last few months we have been meeting at a nearby park. Our connection is still there. We are soul mates and no longer want to be without each other. And no, we have NOT had sex.

My husband has been good to me. I love him, but I'm not "in love" with him. I am torn between staying with my husband to honor the commitment to my family, or following my heart with Oliver. I'm in love with him and don't want to lose him a second time. -- ANOTHER CHANCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CHANCE: You say you're torn between your commitment to your family or following your heart. But what about Oliver's commitment to his family? Although your children are grown, his aren't. They still need a father at home.

If the feelings you have carried in your heart all these years for Oliver are more than a fantasy, they won't wither if you postpone acting on your feelings. Are you strong enough to do that? Whether you're up to the challenge is something only the two of you can decide.

DEAR ABBY: I have a close friend, "Lindy," who is dying from liver cancer. She could no longer eat or drink even before the chemo was started, and she sleeps most of the time. The chemo has done nothing more for her than make her lose her hair.

Lindy is adamant that she'll beat the cancer. To that end, she wants nothing "negative" passed on to outsiders, including her relatives who live eight hours away. She has no family here except her boyfriend, whom she won't allow to talk to her doctor. He refuses to go against her wishes.

I am torn between being loyal to my friend's belief that she'll get better, or notifying her family about how sick she really is so they can visit her before she passes. If they come, Lindy will be furious (if she's still coherent). But if they don't have the opportunity, it will be unfair to them.

My heart tells me to call Lindy's family and tell them to consider a visit sooner rather than later. What do you think? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: I think that if Lindy were as close to her family as you imagine, they would have some inkling that she's ill. That you are aware of her illness shows how much she trusts you and cares for you. The people who are most important to her know about her condition, so please respect her wishes.