DEAR ABBY: My mother watches my two children before and after school and during the breaks. She is a caring person, but she is also very critical of my daughter. (She's fine with my son.)

Mom constantly tells my daughter she needs to lose weight or exercise more, or her hair looks stringy, or she isn't dressed properly. My daughter is only 9.

My mother did this to me when I was younger, and it made me feel I could never live up to her standards. How should I approach her about this? I don't want my daughter to feel inadequate. She's a beautiful, intelligent little girl. -- FRUSTRATED IN MISSOURI

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Deal with this firmly, before your mother erodes your daughter's self-esteem as she did yours. Tell her how her constant criticism made you feel, that you don't want the same thing to happen to your little girl, and that anytime she's tempted to make a negative comment, she should substitute a positive one instead. Be direct with her, and if she isn't able to comply, make other arrangements for your daughter.

DEAR ABBY: My siblings have noticed my distant, odd behavior toward one of my brothers. This sibling and I have a history of incest. He raped me repeatedly for years, and I want nothing to do with him. When the family gathers, one or the other of us declines the invitation if the other one is going to be present.

I have told one sibling, "We just don't get along -- old stuff, ya' know!" and left it at that. I want to keep the reason to myself. I feel I may be pushed for a better answer. Shouldn't "old stuff" be enough of a reason? Should I tell or not? -- SHOULD I OR SHOULDN'T I?

DEAR SHOULD I?: A person who repeatedly rapes someone "for years" is a predator. This wasn't two kids "experimenting"; it was sexual assault. How do you know he didn't prey on other siblings or cousins? You should have sought counseling about this years ago, and it's still not too late. Once you do, I'm sure you'll find the strength to stand up for yourself and speak out.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, when I was 25, I quit a good job before I had a new one. Hard times ultimately led to my husband and me divorcing. I went back to school and am now starting a new career. But I can't help but feel that if I had not quit my job years back, I'd be established in a career by now and still be married.

I never listened to anyone back then, although I was polite and quiet. I have grown from the experience, but my heart aches for what I lost. I don't drink or do drugs, so there is no numbing this pain. How do I get over my regrets and heal? -- LOOKING BACK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR LOOKING BACK: You can't change the past. You can only concentrate on and build a future. Do that by making a conscious effort to stay in the present.

When you feel yourself slipping backward and reliving the pain, pull yourself into the here and now. Then thank your higher power for your health, your job, and the chance to rebuild your emotional and financial future. Regret is the cancer of life. Dwell on it, and it will keep you from progressing.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Mindy" for a little more than a year, and mostly we get along. The one thing that is not working is Mindy likes to have long talks on the phone, usually very late into the night.

When I get sleepy and tell her I'm going to bed, she either gets upset, ignores me and continues talking, or tries to guilt me into staying up later to talk. I resent it. I have tried discussing it with her, but she doesn't seem to get it. How can I get across to Mindy that I'd like to go to bed without a fight? -- NODDING OFF IN BELMONT, CALIF.

DEAR NODDING OFF: Do it by telling your chatterbox girlfriend in the bright light of day what time your bedtime is. Tell her that if she wants to have long conversations in the evening, that's fine with you -- but she needs to respect what your bedtime is. As that time approaches, remind Mindy by saying, "I'm giving you five more minutes, then I'm hanging up the phone." Then do it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance's ex-girlfriend "Amanda" has been living with his parents for more than three years. I feel cheated out of the opportunity to have a daughter-like relationship with my fiance's parents. I want her to move out.

I have discussed this with my fiance, and he talked to his mother and told her that we're getting married and it's time for Amanda to leave. Amanda also agrees it's time for her to move, but my future mother-in-law doesn't. I don't think she wants to let go of Amanda and her grandson. It's like Amanda is her daughter.

I don't like the situation. It's not normal, and I don't know what to do. Should I confront his mother or just stay quiet? I want to feel like I'm the daughter-in-law, not Amanda! Please help. -- CHEATED IN HOLLAND, MICH.

DEAR CHEATED: I see nothing positive to be gained from a confrontation. Once you and your fiance are married, you will be the only daughter-in-law.

However, you will have to accept that Amanda's child will always be your in-laws' first grandchild. Regardless of how far or how fast Amanda moves out, her child will have a place in their hearts and their lives. Having had their grandchild living in their home for this period of time has intensified the bond. Please consider carefully how this will affect you before you marry this man, because feeling as you do, it may be a difficult adjustment.

DEAR ABBY: In our house we have a simple dress code. We ban the "three B's". If your clothing shows your butt, your boobs or your belly, you may not wear it. I just don't think it's healthy for my teenage sons (or my older son and husband) to have that in their faces as we eat dinner.

Is there a tactful way to approach the kids' friends -- who are welcome at all times, but sometimes show up with their boobs hanging out? -- COVERING UP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR COVERING UP: Yes. If someone comes to the table suffering from overexposure, take the girl aside and tell her that in your house you "dress" for dinner. Then offer her a garment to cover up with.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing you with an etiquette question. If a neighbor is displaying a card, such as a get-well or thank-you card, is it OK to pick it up and read it? -- JUST WONDERING IN SPRINGBORO, OHIO

DEAR JUST WONDERING: No, not without first asking permission. To do otherwise could be considered rude or even nosy.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked as a nanny for many years for a divorced professional woman. She has a son and a daughter. The son, now 15, is smoking pot. I told his mom, but she's ignoring the problem. She said: "He's just experimenting. I want him to get it out of his system before he enters college."

I love this child, and I feel helpless. He knows better. The boy used to be very honest, but that's no longer the case. How can I help him when his mother isn't making an effort? -- NANNY WHO CARES IN TEXAS

DEAR NANNY: Your employer seems to be clueless. What makes her think her son will get into college if he's spending his high school years stoned on weed? And for that matter, when he grows bored with grass, what makes her think he won't go on to "experiment" with stronger illegal substances? Hiding her head in the sand is not the answer.

Where is the boy's father? If the mother isn't up to the task of keeping her son on the straight and narrow, the father should be informed about what's going on.

DEAR ABBY: My mother and "Simon," the man I consider my father, married when I was a toddler. Simon adopted me when I was in grade school. Most people believe he's my natural father, including my siblings. (I have no contact with or memory of my biological father.)

Last month at my brother's wedding, a guest commented to Dad about how much we look alike. Simon responded with, "Well, that would be tough." The guest replied, "Oh, she isn't yours?" and he said no. I was extremely hurt by his response. This has left me wondering if he feels differently about me than my sisters and brothers.

Nothing has been said since, and I feel I should let it go. Should I say something to my dad or just chalk it up to a stressful day for all of us? -- FEELING EXCLUDED IN OHIO

DEAR FEELING EXCLUDED: Chalk it up to thoughtlessness on Simon's part. You became "his" when he adopted you. What he was focused on at the wedding was the question of biological relatedness, and I'm sure he didn't mean to slight you. Because this has troubled you enough to write to me, discuss it with your father and tell him how it made you feel, and give him a chance to explain.

DEAR ABBY: We have two sons, both married with children. Unfortunately, their wives don't get along, which has resulted in strained family gatherings. There is now a tendency not to invite the "other" couple to family events. Our sons always got along with each other, but this has also strained their relationship.

Any suggestions? Should we, as parents, get involved and talk to both couples at the same time? It is heartbreaking to see our sons and our grandchildren miss out on together time. -- SAD IN SYRACUSE

DEAR SAD: Talk to your sons separately -- and then with their wives. Whatever has caused the tension between your daughters-in-law may take mediation to fix. You are right to be concerned, because if the cousins don't grow up knowing each other, the breach in the branches of your family will be permanent.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Tonight at sundown, Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins. It's a day of fasting, reflection, prayer and repentance. To all of you, may your fast be an easy one.