DEAR ABBY: My preteen daughter, "Avery," has started developing a more mature figure. She recently told me privately that one night while I was in class, her father smacked her on the bottom and started playing with the back pockets on her jeans. It made her very uncomfortable. When Avery asked him to stop, he told her that she's his "baby girl" and he could smack her "cute little butt" if he wants to.

I think my husband truly believed it was OK and didn't mean (at least consciously) to touch her inappropriately. But if it bothered Avery, it can't continue.

I'm afraid I'll overreact if I try to discuss this with him. I was sexually abused by a relative when I was a young teenager. This relative also said that because he was related to me he could touch me in whatever way he wanted. To further complicate matters, my husband refuses me in bed.

If there's trouble brewing, I want to stop it now, but I don't want to come off as a freaked-out, paranoid former victim seeing abuse where it may be total innocence. Any suggestions? -- UNEASY IN INDIANA

DEAR UNEASY: Yes. Listen to your gut. Tell your daughter you're glad she told you what happened, and you want her to come to you anytime anyone makes her feel uncomfortable. No one has the right to touch her if she doesn't want to be. And because what her father did made her uncomfortable, her "cute little butt" is off limits.

If your husband gives you an argument, insist on professional counseling for the two of you. He may be slow to realize that his little girl is growing up and the rules have changed. A licensed counselor will not come off as a "freaked-out, paranoid former victim" and can help him to understand that his behavior should not be repeated. And while you're at it, raise the issue of your sex life so you will have a clearer understanding of why it is the way it is.

DEAR ABBY: Because ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) affects so many people, my letter may interest many of your readers. An estimated 4.4 million children between the ages of 4 and 17 have this diagnosis. Half of them receive some form of medication for it.

This disorder is also present in adults. According to an April 2006 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, an estimated 4.4 percent of adults 18 to 44 experience some symptoms from it.

Thanks to ongoing research and improved treatment, adults with ADHD can live more successful lives. The largest study on childhood ADHD also shows effective treatments are available.

CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), the largest family-based organization advocating for people with the disorder, provides information, advocacy and support. Our website (CHADD.org) and publications contain science-based information. It includes available parent and teacher training programs as well as support groups in 200 locations.

Thank you for printing this and the advice and wisdom you have shared so consistently over the years. -- MARIE S. PAXSON, PAST PRESIDENT, CHADD ORGANIZATION

DEAR MARIE: I'm pleased to spread the word that effective treatment for ADHD -- which can be inherited -- is becoming more accessible to families affected by it. Treatment for this disorder includes parent training, behavioral intervention, educational adaptations, parent-child education on ADHD and medication. If a child you know has been diagnosed with this disorder, CHADD can be a helpful resource.

DEAR ABBY: "Unsure Out West" (July 26) felt inadequate because she had no upbeat messages to send to her friends on Facebook. Please tell her she's not alone.

I attended a prestigious college, but 35 years later I also find myself with no job, in debt, battling depression and dealing with a host of phobias. I read the school's quarterly magazine and see my peers have great jobs, travel extensively and are happily married. I once sent in "news" that not everyone is so lucky and that I am neither successful nor wealthy. Needless to say, it wasn't published.

When my FB friends ask how I am, I reply that it's a difficult question to answer. I then ask about them and let them know I'm glad they're doing well. And when times get bad, I know I can deactivate my Facebook account until I feel better. -- UNDERSTANDING "FRIEND" IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR "FRIEND": Thank you for writing to support "Unsure." Many people identified with her feelings. My newspaper readers comment:

DEAR ABBY: As a recovering survivor of severe childhood trauma, I can relate to "Unsure's" situation. I have college degrees, am married to a wonderful man and have two grown children. All my energy went into recovering from what happened to me.

For years I felt ashamed that I hadn't lived up to my potential, but it takes courage to recover from abuse or addiction. People who understand this view individuals like "Unsure" and me as successes in the things that really matter.

She should be honest, and as discreet as she wishes. When I have opened up, others have learned the realities of recovery and seen me as proof that it's possible. Too many suffer in silence. They need to know others have sought help and are healing.

I reconnected with a popular, successful high school friend over the Internet and discovered that her adult path was similar to mine. We have been a source of support and encouragement to each other ever since. -- WENDY IN TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: While everyone brags about their kids, careers and wonderful lives, don't forget that they too have put a "spin" on things. Nobody's life is perfect. We've all had our share of hardships.

I have been in "Unsure's" shoes for several years (minus the great hubby), but Facebook has given me confidence and enabled me to meet people who share my interests. Accept yourself for who you are. You don't have to hide the truth. Problems with alcohol or depression do not define you. -- AMANDA IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: "Unsure" should get rid of her Facebook page. If she doesn't, she'll continue reading about the lives of her old acquaintances and feel bad about hers.

I'm 19 -- never had a FB page and never will. Friends have fought over rumors spread there, and I've seen their self-esteem suffer because of the entries and comments of others. Since she has a history of depression, it would be healthier to focus on the positives in her life and eliminate something that makes her feel negatively. -- K.V. IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was well-liked, active and graduated with honors. After college I became sick with a debilitating chronic illness that leaves me mostly homebound. When an old friend reaches out on Facebook, I ask how she's doing, we discuss common interests and I reveal my health struggles. If she wants to know more, she'll ask.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with a friend I hadn't been in touch with for 17 years until Facebook reunited us. She accepted my limitations and showed incredible compassion and empathy. We caught up on mutual friends, hobbies and my health. While not everyone will respond that way, it's worth finding those who will. -- EMILY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Carmen" for a few years, but in the last year she has started becoming violent when we are having an argument. I think this is domestic abuse, but she claims it isn't because I'm a man.

I'm not someone who can take abuse without repercussions. I'm like a mirror. If someone brings violence into my life, I reflect it back on them. So far, I have restrained my instincts -- but eventually I know Carmen will cross the line and I'm going to snap. I have the potential to hurt her badly.

I have tried everything to make Carmen understand how I feel, but she continues to insist it doesn't matter because I'm so much bigger and stronger than she is. When she hits me, it doesn't hurt physically, but the anger I feel is indescribable. I'm at the end of my rope and considering breaking up with her before I hurt her.

I don't want to end the relationship, but I think it's the only way to make her see things from my perspective. Or should I call the cops the next time she hits me? -- BRUISED AND ABUSED BOYFRIEND

DEAR BRUISED AND ABUSED: You may not want to, but it's time to end the relationship before something happens you both regret. Your relationship with Carmen isn't a healthy one. You will land in jail if you respond the way it appears she wants you to.

Please think ahead -- if Carmen resorts to violence when she becomes upset with you, then she very likely will with any children you would have together. She may think her abusive behavior is normal because this was the environment in which she was raised. But we both know it's not -- it's a huge red flag. Run!

DEAR ABBY: I have been a holistic health-care and healing practitioner for 10 years. I love my work and being in a helping profession. I'm the one who is always there for everyone who needs help. A good portion of my work is as a counselor, teacher and shoulder to cry on.

My problem? I'm lonely. I have multiple health issues and struggle with money. I need someone to talk with about me and how I'm feeling. Whenever I find a counselor, member of the clergy, teacher, etc., I end up being the counselor, teacher, listener, whatever.

Living in a small town, it's almost impossible to find anyone who doesn't know me or my family. I went to a minister and ended up taking him to an AA meeting. I went to a counselor at a nearby university; she began asking me for advice about her health. I'm hesitant to try to find someone online.

I'm not looking for a lover or an "adventure" -- just someone to talk with. My batteries are constantly being drained and opportunities to recharge are few and far between. I'm not asking for much, just someone to be there for me the way I am for many others.

I tried talking with my wife about this, but she's so emotionally insecure that even thinking I want someone else to talk with upsets her. Please help me. -- LONELY IN A CROWD

DEAR LONELY: It's not uncommon for therapists to suffer the kind of burnout you have described. They often deal with it by trading services with another therapist because talking about feelings -- as you well know -- can often relieve them. What you should do is contact the association of holistic and/or integrative medical professionals in your state and inquire about this kind of opportunity for you.

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