DEAR ABBY: My younger sister is getting married next month and has requested that no kids be brought to the reception. My "kids" are teenagers and I feel that at least children of the immediate family should be allowed to attend. Incidentally, Sis and her fiance have a little girl and boy who will serve as a flower girl and ring bearer. The children will participate in the wedding party introductions, then will be carted off.

Finally, she wants my 15-year-old to baby-sit the young cousins. Because we don't think it's right, we have decided that we will attend the wedding ceremony but not the reception. It is not my intention not to share her moment, but I'm afraid my teenagers won't understand why they can't celebrate their aunt's special day. Am I making too much of this? -- RSVP UNDECIDED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNDECIDED: Your sister's reason for excluding "children" could be budgetary -- or fear that young children could be disruptive. By saying "no children" she is trying to be fair to all the parents. However, if she wants your daughter to baby-sit, she should make the arrangements with your daughter -- including offering to pay her for her time -- especially if there will be more children than the flower girl and ring bearer in her care.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Adam," and I have been together for three years, and hopefully will be for many more to come. One of the core values he feels strongly about is not drinking, and not associating with others when they drink. I have never gotten drunk, but I do have one or two drinks a month with friends. When I mentioned it to Adam, he became extremely frustrated. Now things have become rocky between us.

I feel like I have done something devastatingly wrong, even though I know I haven't. I can't promise Adam I'll never drink again, but I respect his values enough to keep to the couple of drinks per month and no more. I feel he doesn't trust me now. What should I do? I love Adam and want to make things right, but I won't make a promise I know I can't keep. -- HARDLY A DRUNK IN SEATTLE

DEAR HARDLY A DRUNK: I wish you had told me why your boyfriend is so against being involved with someone who has an occasional drink. Were his parents alcoholics? Is he in recovery? Was he upset because it took three years for you to tell him you have a drink or two a month with your friends, and that's why he "doesn't trust you"?

While you and I may think your boyfriend's attitude is unreasonable, it's clear to me that if you want him, you will have to take "the pledge." And if you can't do that, Adam is not The One for you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I own a business in a rural community and have two additional employees. We all work together five days a week. It's a small, intimate office and nothing is private. Would it be considered unprofessional if my husband or I greeted each other with a kiss (a peck) when arriving or leaving the office in front of our staff but when no clients are present? I think it's OK, but he doesn't. -- SHOWING AFFECTION IN MISSOURI

DEAR SHOWING: I think it's OK, too. But if your husband isn't comfortable with demonstrations of affection in front of the staff, respect his feelings on the matter and do not force it.

DEAR ABBY: My 87-year-old mother recently discovered that the mausoleum site she had reserved for herself next to my father's grave -- and paid for when he died -- was occupied by my uncle's ashes and headstone. Mom had moved away 20 years ago and had not visited the cemetery in all that time.

My cousin's explanation, when confronted by my tearful mom, was that it was a "temporary solution" as the mausoleum was full at the time of my uncle's death. They were planning to move him. Apparently, it has taken 14 years for them to get around to it.

Mom had to send a notarized letter to the cemetery asking that my uncle's remains be removed. My cousins, who are wealthy and successful people, saved $800 by using my mother's prepaid site. Should Mom charge them rent? -- BEWILDERED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BEWILDERED: I don't think your mother should ask your cousins for "rent," but I do think your mother should contact the owners of the cemetery and ask what they plan to do to compensate her for her distress. Frankly, I don't understand how they could have allowed your uncle's ashes to be placed in her reserved site. The ball will then be in their court -- and if they are ethical and responsible, they may offer free opening and closing costs at the time of her death.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Joy" is 19. She attended a small school with about 40 other students in her grade. She never had a boyfriend -- or even a date -- until the first week of college a year ago. The boy was a high school classmate of hers. They became engaged before he went off to boot camp.

My husband and I are extremely concerned because of Joy's age and inexperience. Her fiance is OK, but we feel they are not for each other. We're positive she could find someone more compatible, but who's going to approach her with that ring on her finger? I feel my daughter has low self-esteem and is afraid she won't find anyone else. How do we make Joy see that she's too young and inexperienced to make such an important decision? -- MAMA KNOWS BETTER IN OHIO

DEAR MAMA KNOWS BETTER: You can't. As well-meaning and caring a mother as you are, if you try to tell your daughter what you have in mind you will only make her defensive. Instead, encourage her to wait until her fiance returns home and she either has her college degree or is close to it before they tie the knot. It will go a long way to making her more employable when she starts a career of her own. And if her fiance decides to make a career of the military, it will make her more employable as they are transferred from place to place.

DEAR ABBY: It's almost Halloween and parents need to teach their children that if a house does not have its porch light on, it means the resident will not be handing out candy or other treats.

There are many reasons people don't participate. Some people run out of treats early, while others simply can't afford to buy candy in the first place. These homes should not be targeted with "tricks" or vandalism. Simply skip the house with the lights off and move on to the next one that has its lights on. -- LIGHTS ON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LIGHTS ON: Your letter is a timely one, and I'm glad you brought the subject up because what you have written is correct. Some people do not participate in Halloween for religious and other reasons, and their beliefs should be respected.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I placed my daughter for adoption. The circumstances that led me to make the decision were compelling. After 18 years, I was surprised and elated to hear from her. She's 23, has a child of her own and is engaged to be married. I tried to maintain communication, but she stopped corresponding.

After a period of not wanting to talk, she is now trying to get back in touch with me and her siblings. We're unsure what to think about this and questioning her motives. Does she truly want us to be involved with her and her daughter? Or is this a way to get gifts for her child and her upcoming wedding?

I would like to discuss this with her, but I'm hesitant for fear of losing her again. I always wanted a relationship with my daughter. I'm confused and afraid of being hurt again. What can I do? -- BIRTH MOM IN WISCONSIN

DEAR BIRTH MOM: By all means have a discussion with your daughter, but do it in reference to the fact that you were puzzled and hurt when she suddenly ceased communication with you. Let her explain what led to it. She may have been dealing with mixed emotions, which seems logical to me.

Because you want a relationship with her, you may have to accept that it will proceed in fits and starts -- and may not blossom the way you might wish it to. You'll know more as you get to know her better.

DEAR ABBY: My mom goes overboard with gifts for my two sons when she goes on vacation or when she shops for birthdays and Christmas. I have asked her to scale back and not buy them each a box full of stuff. I tried to be tactful, but she said they "expect" Grandma to give them stuff.

The problem is she gives them random things that hold no interest for them. My sons are always kind and thank her, but their rooms are packed full of toys, many never opened, because they have too much stuff.

When I asked Mom to just give the boys a book about the next place she visits, she became defensive. I don't know how to tell her in a way she'll understand that she's wasting her hard-earned money on gifts my children won't use or have no interest in. Can you help me? -- TOO MUCH STUFF IN IOWA

DEAR TOO MUCH: Try something like this: "Mom, you are a generous sweetheart, but you are giving them too much stuff. They're inundated! There are toys in their rooms that have never been opened because they have outgrown them. That's why this year we are donating the unopened ones to a homeless shelter. It hurts me to see you spend money on items the boys don't use -- so please, cut back on the number of gifts, and before spending your hard-earned money, ask me what they can use."

DEAR ABBY: I have become close friends with an elderly lady, "Adele." Unfortunately, I don't know her family. I care for Adele and would like to be contacted if anything ever happened to her or if she was not able to call me herself. Would it be appropriate to ask her to have her family call me if she ever has an emergency? -- SOMEONE WHO CARES, ANDOVER, MINN.

DEAR SOMEONE: Yes, it would, and I'm sure Adele would be touched if you suggested it.

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