DEAR ABBY: I was recently invited to a second cousin's wedding shower and wedding. To be honest with you, if I saw the bride-to-be on the street, I wouldn't recognize her. Although I won't be going to her shower, I am sending a shower gift. I plan on attending the wedding because I don't see this side of the family often.

My question is, what gift should I give the happy couple for their wedding? When I got married, her parents gave me a pair of used vases. How could I tell they were used, you ask? Not only were they not in their original packaging, but they also were dirty. Abby, there were dead flies in them! Being a well-mannered bride, I didn't mention this to my parents, but to this day I still remember. -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR WANTS: Until I saw your signature, I was tempted to suggest you wash and polish the vases, then nicely wrap and send one to your cousin with a note of congratulations, closing with "... more to follow." But knowing you want to do the "right" thing, I'm asking you to please not blame her for the actions of her parents, who may have been financially strapped at the time of your wedding. Then find out where she and her fiance are registered and send them something that's within your budget.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for eight years and are amazed that most of our married friends are unable to separate for even a night.

I was raised in a household where my parents took time for themselves -- whether it was my dad's high school reunion that Mom had no interest in, or my mom's personal growth seminars that Dad was slow to accept. It worked for 48 years until Mom's death.

The wife of one couple we know refused to attend our high school reunion, so her husband didn't go either -- even though many of his close friends would be in attendance. He doesn't make plans for himself because everything has to be run past his wife.

Does our culture create insecurity? Have we lost our independence? -- INDEPENDENT THINKER IN GEORGIA

DEAR INDEPENDENT: No. You have described a man who is passive and prefers to leave the social scheduling to his wife. I don't think it has anything to do with our culture. Many couples operate this way by mutual agreement, and you shouldn't take it personally.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single, never-married, 50-year-old male. I have no children and was raised with strict, conservative Christian values that I have held onto all these years. I have never had any long-term relationships.

Recently I met a single gal at work, and we enjoy each other's company. Our backgrounds, however, are very different. She has been married twice and has two children. In addition, neither of her children was conceived from either of her marital unions.

My question is, would our diverse backgrounds impede the fostering of a healthy relationship, or is this something worth pursuing? -- RELATIONSHIP-CHALLENGED

DEAR RELATIONSHIP-CHALLENGED: It depends on whether the two of you can have a meeting of the minds as well as a meeting of the hearts, and whether you are flexible enough to accept her just as she is and vice versa.

A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight is the night when wee witches and goblins collect their loot. Please supervise them so they'll be safe. -- ABBY

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I relocated to a new area a year ago and, after several hair color disasters, finally found a great stylist/colorist, "Raphael." The problem is, he constantly hits on me even though he's married. He emails and calls me frequently. I told him I'd be willing to see him after hours only if his wife, the salon receptionist, is aware of it. He said, "No, don't tell her."

Raphael tries to lure me into the salon after closing by promising free services, which I decline. There's no question that this is more than the simple flattery most male stylists give their clients. That he's trying to cheat on his wife makes me extremely uncomfortable. The salon is across from my apartment, so when he sees me come out he always asks me to have dinner. I have taken to walking a different route.

I don't want to look for a new stylist after all the mess I had to go through to find Raphael. How can I communicate clearly that I love the way he does my hair, but I'm not interested otherwise? I don't want to make things awkward, but I have tried everything and he won't take the hint. -- DIS-TRESSED IN BETHESDA, MD.

DEAR DIS-TRESSED: There's a reason why Raphael's wife is his receptionist. Raphael may think he is irresistible because he has done this successfully with other customers.

The next time he makes a move on you, tell him plainly you're not interested and that his actions are embarrassing. You will probably have to find another hairdresser afterward because Raphael appears to have a giant ego and may not take rejection well. An excellent way to find one is to ask women whose hairstyles and color you like. In fact, I'm advising you to start doing that right away before your roots start showing.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Cameron" for five years. We're in graduate school, have a wonderful relationship and are discussing marriage. I get along well with his parents, but some things have just come out about his father and I don't know how to deal with it.

Two years ago we discovered that Cameron's father had been having an affair. He promised to stop seeing the woman, get a restraining order so she'd leave him alone and work on his marriage. It seems he lied. We have ound out (again) that he has continued to see her. Cameron was mortified both times and sad his father would treat his mother this way.

His mother said she'd try counseling with him, and if he didn't live up to his promise, she'd divorce him. It has been months and they're still in counseling. His dad isn't allowed to live at home with her.

I'm furious with Cameron's father for being such an idiot. I don't want to see him (one of Cameron's sisters has cut him out of her life completely), but Cameron thinks his father will hurt himself if we all leave him. Please tell me how to handle this because although I never want to see the man again, I may have to. -- WALKING ON EGGSHELLS IN DELAWARE

DEAR WALKING ON EGGSHELLS: Cameron's parents' marriage has hit a "rough patch." However, they're both trying to repair it. While you may be disgusted with Cameron's father, you have no reason to be "furious" with him -- his wife does. So for everyone's sake, cool off and think rationally.

If your boyfriend's parents manage to reconcile, you'll be seeing them with some regularity -- and they will need all of the emotional support they can get. If they decide to divorce, it will be up to Cameron to decide how close he wishes to remain with his father. Please do not add fuel to an already explosive situation. Everyone's suffering enough as it is.

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister is getting married next month and has requested that no kids be brought to the reception. My "kids" are teenagers and I feel that at least children of the immediate family should be allowed to attend. Incidentally, Sis and her fiance have a little girl and boy who will serve as a flower girl and ring bearer. The children will participate in the wedding party introductions, then will be carted off.

Finally, she wants my 15-year-old to baby-sit the young cousins. Because we don't think it's right, we have decided that we will attend the wedding ceremony but not the reception. It is not my intention not to share her moment, but I'm afraid my teenagers won't understand why they can't celebrate their aunt's special day. Am I making too much of this? -- RSVP UNDECIDED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNDECIDED: Your sister's reason for excluding "children" could be budgetary -- or fear that young children could be disruptive. By saying "no children" she is trying to be fair to all the parents. However, if she wants your daughter to baby-sit, she should make the arrangements with your daughter -- including offering to pay her for her time -- especially if there will be more children than the flower girl and ring bearer in her care.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Adam," and I have been together for three years, and hopefully will be for many more to come. One of the core values he feels strongly about is not drinking, and not associating with others when they drink. I have never gotten drunk, but I do have one or two drinks a month with friends. When I mentioned it to Adam, he became extremely frustrated. Now things have become rocky between us.

I feel like I have done something devastatingly wrong, even though I know I haven't. I can't promise Adam I'll never drink again, but I respect his values enough to keep to the couple of drinks per month and no more. I feel he doesn't trust me now. What should I do? I love Adam and want to make things right, but I won't make a promise I know I can't keep. -- HARDLY A DRUNK IN SEATTLE

DEAR HARDLY A DRUNK: I wish you had told me why your boyfriend is so against being involved with someone who has an occasional drink. Were his parents alcoholics? Is he in recovery? Was he upset because it took three years for you to tell him you have a drink or two a month with your friends, and that's why he "doesn't trust you"?

While you and I may think your boyfriend's attitude is unreasonable, it's clear to me that if you want him, you will have to take "the pledge." And if you can't do that, Adam is not The One for you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I own a business in a rural community and have two additional employees. We all work together five days a week. It's a small, intimate office and nothing is private. Would it be considered unprofessional if my husband or I greeted each other with a kiss (a peck) when arriving or leaving the office in front of our staff but when no clients are present? I think it's OK, but he doesn't. -- SHOWING AFFECTION IN MISSOURI

DEAR SHOWING: I think it's OK, too. But if your husband isn't comfortable with demonstrations of affection in front of the staff, respect his feelings on the matter and do not force it.