DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 11 years. We went through eight years of fertility treatments before having our twins. When they were a year old, we discovered I was pregnant with our third child. The twins are now 2 1/2 and the baby is almost a year old.

For the first time in our marriage, my husband and I are at an impasse. We have two embryos left and need to decide what to do. We either use them or destroy them. I think we need to give the embryos the chance they were meant to have. However, my husband is concerned only with the financial side of it as we have been living on one salary and things are tight.

My heart aches over this. Do I do what I believe is right and stand by my religious and moral beliefs, and take the chance my husband will resent me for the rest of our marriage? I'm afraid I'll resent him if I have to destroy them. I'd appreciate some words of wisdom. -- DEADLOCKED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DEADLOCKED: This isn't an either/or question. I discussed it with Diane Goodman, the past president of the Academy of California Family Formation Lawyers, who suggests a third option. Your embryos could be donated for embryo adoption by a couple who have been unable to conceive, and who would love to raise them. For more information, you should contact an attorney who specializes in family formation, or contact the Snowflakes Frozen Embryo Adoption and Donation Program. Its phone number is 714-693-5437 and its website is www.nightlight.org.

DEAR ABBY: I am 29 and met my birth mother last month for the first time. She abandoned two other children besides me. "Angie" is an alcoholic and has cirrhosis of the liver. When I met her she was in rehab and had been sober for two weeks. The day after she was released she was rearrested for driving with a revoked license. The following day she was arrested for DUI.

It's obvious that my birth mother has a major addiction, and my heart breaks for her because she has no support system. Should I reach out and help her or continue on with my life? My friends and family are afraid I'll get hurt, but it's hard to sit back and do nothing. Any words of wisdom will help. -- CONFUSED AND TORN IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR CONFUSED AND TORN: Before involving yourself any further with Angie, take some time to visit Al-Anon (listed in your phone directory) and Adult Children of Alcoholics (adultchildren.org). That you want to help her is laudable, but it's important that you fully understand what you're letting yourself in for if you do.

Much as you might wish to, you cannot "fix" other people -- only they can do that. The Serenity Prayer from AA says it clearly: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." It applies to you.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, from whom I was divorced for many years, died recently. Our middle-aged daughter, who grew up in her mother's care, was unhappy that I chose not to attend the funeral. (Actually, I never considered going.)

Not only would plane fare have been a financial burden, my ex and I hadn't communicated with each other for more than 30 years. She remarried and I didn't.

Was I wrong for not being there? I don't understand our daughter's feelings in the matter. -- MEANT NO DISRESPECT, MESA, ARIZ.

DEAR MEANT NO DISRESPECT: Funerals aren't for the deceased as much as they are for the living. Because you didn't mention whether you had maintained contact with your daughter since your divorce from her mother, I can only guess that she felt she needed your emotional support during that sad time, and that would explain her reaction to your absence.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem that happens once a year -- my birthday at work. There's a huge potluck with cake, banners, gifts and a card that has been circulating around the office for a week. I cringe at the attention. Everyone means well, but these celebrations are pure torture for me. I'm a 7-year-old all over again, trying my best to keep the anxiety and waterworks in check.

It goes back to my childhood. Growing up, we were very poor, and my parents made it clear that sacrifices had been made for my "big day," which always ended up with me guilt-ridden and in tears.

As an adult, I celebrate my birthday with my husband and son. We keep it low-key and I'm surrounded by the unconditional love I craved as a child.

I have tried bowing out and asked that gifts be made to charity instead, but I am told, "Oh, come on! We all have to go through this." I went so far as to confide to the party planners why I'm so uncomfortable. To my horror, a few of them began complaining about how hard they worked pulling everything together or how late they stayed up baking the cake, etc. It was like hearing my parents all over again.

Am I being too sensitive? I'd appreciate your opinion. -- SPARE ME IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SPARE ME: Because you have tried talking to your co-workers about the special circumstances surrounding your reason for not wanting an office celebration, it's time to talk to your supervisor or someone in human resources. I see no reason why you should have to suffer emotional stress so that everyone can have a party on your birthday.

And no, you are not being too sensitive. The party-planners have been insensitive.

DEAR ABBY: My mother never liked my paternal grandmother. Grandma "Jane" was tolerated, but often treated as an object of ridicule or contempt. My sister unquestioningly absorbed my mother's prejudice against her and is blatantly rude to her.

Over the years I have grown close to Grandma Jane. My husband and I visit her regularly. Dad knows, but says it's better if Mom doesn't know.

Grandma has asked me several times if I know why Mom dislikes her. She's in her 90s, isolated from her family and desperately searching for answers. I can only imagine it stems from some disagreement dating back to before I was born.

I am also sad that Dad won't visit his mother because Mom won't go with him. I can't believe Grandma Jane has done anything to deserve being forced to die alone, and it hurts knowing my mother would be so vindictive out of spite.

Grandma's good health can't last forever. I worry what will happen when she can no longer live independently. I believe in reconciliation, tolerance and a little maturity, but I know I am in the minority. What can I possibly do? -- LOYAL DAUGHTER, CARING GRANDDAUGHTER

DEAR LOYAL AND CARING: Not knowing the details of what caused the rift, I'm advising you to do as your father has suggested. If he were stronger, he would have insisted decades ago that his mother be treated with respect. That he would allow her to be ridiculed or treated rudely in his presence while he remained silent is shameful.

While you can't heal the breach, you can remain caring and supportive of your grandmother. When she can no longer live independently, she will need someone to help her or to move her to assisted living. The ideal person to watch over her then would be you.

DEAR READERS: Welcome to 2012! While the last year has been tumultuous for many of us, a new one is here, bringing with it our chance for a fresh start.

Today is the day we discard destructive old habits for healthy new ones, and with that in mind, I will share Dear Abby's often-requested list of New Year's Resolutions, which were adapted by my mother, Pauline Phillips, from the original credo of Al-Anon:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.

I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking.

Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully -- if only for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own actions.

And now, Dear Readers, I would like to share an item that was sent to me by I.J. Bhatia, a reader who lives in New Delhi, India:

DEAR ABBY: This year, no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bandages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."

The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

And so, Dear Readers, may this new year bring with it good health, peace and joy to all of you. -- LOVE, ABBY